Skip to main content

Decisions, decisions

Crap.  My approval to see Dr. Haas came in the mail today.  I totally expected them to deny it.  He's not a covered provider anymore.  And I should be excited but this is REAL now.

I can call his office and make an appointment.  Anytime.  And then I'll admit that once again I'm not normal and drag myself into his clinic to hear whatever kind of crazy bad news he has to say in his compassionate way.   The first time around, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I'm not quite so blissfully naive now.

And I have my beautiful angel.  What am I really willing to do for another?  I definitely don't want to take any time or money away from Paisley.  And maybe we're not ready for another baby anyways.  Maybe I never will be.

But what if I regret it if I never try again?  There's enough doubt in my mind that I'm not certain.  There are several reasons that I can't wait on this forever.  One:  my age.  Yeah, we're "only" 31, but eggs don't get better with age.  And I don't want to have kids after 35.  Period.  Two: my insurance.  I have COBRA coverage until April which doesn't leave us long until we'll both be on private (aka: crappy and expensive) insurance without maternity coverage.  Luckily, my OB will work with me as a self-pay to make it affordable, but I can't spend a ton on infertility too.  Three:  I feel like the older Paisley gets, the more I'm resistant to go back into the baby phase.  I wanted my babies close in age and they'll at least be 2 years apart now even if I got pregnant quickly.

The baby phase is tough.  I'm definitely not one of those moms who is super sad about her getting older.  I LOVE the independence she's gaining and the things she's learning and our relationship as it evolves.  And I'm not worried that I can't love a 2nd child as much as I love her, but I love that she and I share such a special relationship.  I know I have some time to think about this.  But I don't know if it'll ever be clear to me.

Side note:  I've never adapted well to change and resist it with all my might.   I also avoid healthcare as much as possible even though I work as a health care provider.  Weird, I know...  just not sure I'm ready to start hearing about my "inhospitable" mucus and "inadequate" eggs again...

Comments

  1. FaithSeptember 12, 2011 at 10:48 PM

    I totally get all your wonderings. If mine hadn't come the way they did, I think I also would have wondered about having another one, for all those reasons you mentioned. But, in the end, I always wanted 2, so I would have tried. The right answer is in your heart - follow your heart, or your gut, whatever works for ya;). Thinking of you as you make this big decision...

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnnieSeptember 13, 2011 at 10:01 AM

    I say go for it! If your current insurance is good, milk it for all it's worth. I did my treatment on COBRA and got pregnant just before we lost that coverage and ended up with NO infertility coverage w/ hubby's new job. Had we not plowed ahead when we did, we would have lost our chance forever. Plus, a sibling for Paisley would be a gift that (hopefully!) would last a lifetime. It would be worth the price she may pay now - irritable, distracted parents!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kev and EricaSeptember 14, 2011 at 1:38 PM

    I'm SO sorry you have to make these decisions, Amber! I can definitely see why it would be a dilemma especially after your previous long journey.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Meet Our Little Miracle, Paisley Kate

The post I have been waiting 2 years to write is finally here and I can't really believe it. On Saturday, I woke up at 8:30 a.m. with BAD contractions. By the 2nd one, I knew I was in "real" labor. They were SO different than the braxton-hicks. I got out of bed and decided that I'd take a bath, until water ran down both legs. The pain after that got pretty unbearable immediately and I was having contractions every 2 1/2 to 3 minutes. So, I called Aaron at work to tell him it was "the big day". He decided I was kidding until I nearly leapt through the phone to wring his neck. :) We got to the hospital an hour later and I was dilated to a 4 and having very active contractions. They quickly got me moved to an L&D room. I got my epidural ( AMAZING - we'll talk about this in its own post soon) at a 6 and then my doctor broke my water. (Apparently at home, it had just leaked a pocket of fluid). After he broke my water, labor started picking up ...
42 comments
Read more

Blogging Failure

The fact that I blog less than I exercise is not a good sign.  I miss you all.  And I'm glad to be where I'm at because the problem is that my cup runneth over.  Life is crazy.  The kids are growing and becoming real people and exploring and I'm still struggling to figure out how to parent a VERY challenging 3-year-old. Dear Paisley is actually quite a joy to raise.  She is spunky and energetic and funny.  We desperately struggle to stifle our laughter as we discipline her for things that I never expected her to do or say.  She is the center of attention and loves her baby brother like there's no tomorrow.  I've never met a more opinionated and divalicious child though.  She picks every piece of clothing she wears, which toy she brings in the car, exactly what she is willing to eat, how her hair is fixed, which door she uses to get in the car, etc.  I hear you out there judging me.  I would have to until I gave birth to Whitney ...
2 comments
Read more

The Resurrection

 So here we are.  It's now a blog graveyard.  The followers have long since moved on and infertility is something that I've somewhat put in the past (only considering I don't want any more kids).  So why am I here and writing again?  What's the purpose?   This was my safe place.  It was where I came when everything seemed much too hard and I needed to feel comfort.  I wanted to express myself in a venue that others would reassure me and even understand me.  I still love and have always loved this blog.  It guided me during some of the hardest years of my life, dealing with infertility and miscarriage. And you know... I guess it will help me again now.  Because life is freaking TOUGH.  You know the phrase "I've went through Hell and back"?  Yeah, I feel that in my soul now.  I could have a blowout in the middle lane of the highway during rush hour traffic, manage to pull over my car on the side and call for roadsi...
1 comment
Read more