I've been okay most of the time about this whole infertility business, but this has been one of those weeks where I'm just not okay. I'm irritated, frustrated, sad, and pessimistic. The question of "why" keeps rolling through my mind, and I know that there is no good reason. It's just the hand we're dealt. And one year into this, our marriage is stronger than ever and my life is still fantastic. And yet I feel my heart break a little more every day with the thought that we'll never be parents.
It's crazy because I had such a blissful ignorance going into this whole thing. I really did think we'd just get pregnant right away because that's what happened for EVERYONE else. Considering that I was dragging my feet with the baby thing, I was somewhat happy that it wasn't the first two months.
But as time has gone by, I've become so much more distraught at the tiniest things. One of the worst days was mother's day. We went to a graduation and they had the moms stand- I felt like the only one sitting. And at church they gave carnations to the moms- I entered the pew empty-handed and broken-hearted.
Every week in church, we have "children's prayer time" where they play this sweet lullaby type music and all the kids go to the front to kneel and lead us all in prayer. Everyone else smiles and watches them, having no idea how much effort it takes for me not to cry. I bite my lip and put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
Just like I deal with it all the time. You never forget that you're infertile. Not a single minute passes where I don't remember. It influences everything in your life. I constantly have to remind myself that people do not mean to make me sad. I'm really not depressed and I rarely cry (like twice a year and it's usually over an animal) so don't get too worried about me. I just needed to express my feelings. And now I feel a lot better.
Also, we're leaving for Mexico on Saturday so soon my worries will be left behind. And I'm already on cycle day 9, so I'll probably ovulate in the next 4-5 days if I'm going to. So we'll see how this month goes. I promise not to be such a bummer next time!!!
It's crazy because I had such a blissful ignorance going into this whole thing. I really did think we'd just get pregnant right away because that's what happened for EVERYONE else. Considering that I was dragging my feet with the baby thing, I was somewhat happy that it wasn't the first two months.
But as time has gone by, I've become so much more distraught at the tiniest things. One of the worst days was mother's day. We went to a graduation and they had the moms stand- I felt like the only one sitting. And at church they gave carnations to the moms- I entered the pew empty-handed and broken-hearted.
Every week in church, we have "children's prayer time" where they play this sweet lullaby type music and all the kids go to the front to kneel and lead us all in prayer. Everyone else smiles and watches them, having no idea how much effort it takes for me not to cry. I bite my lip and put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
Just like I deal with it all the time. You never forget that you're infertile. Not a single minute passes where I don't remember. It influences everything in your life. I constantly have to remind myself that people do not mean to make me sad. I'm really not depressed and I rarely cry (like twice a year and it's usually over an animal) so don't get too worried about me. I just needed to express my feelings. And now I feel a lot better.
Also, we're leaving for Mexico on Saturday so soon my worries will be left behind. And I'm already on cycle day 9, so I'll probably ovulate in the next 4-5 days if I'm going to. So we'll see how this month goes. I promise not to be such a bummer next time!!!
We love you and I'm sorry. I hope you guys have a great time in Mexico, you definitely deserve some fun and R&R.
ReplyDeleteI think I had most of these feelings today. It is so hard to watch others around you be blessed with the one thing we want so bad.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a great time in Mexico!
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My heart just breaks everytime I read these things. As much as it sucks that we are going through this, it's so nice to have someone who can completely relate to your feelings. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.
ReplyDeleteKandice