Many mornings, I have actually felt a tear roll down my cheek before I even manage to pry my eyes open. That is never a good sign for how the day will then progress. I've learned that grief comes and goes in brutal, unpredictable waves. The stretches of "good" days has definitely gotten longer with every passing day and I start feeling confident that I have things under control. And then... BAM. The sadness and anxiety hits me like a train and I may spend a day merely surviving.
This has all taught me a ton about self-care. I have to be extra mindful to get my sleep, rest when my body and mind are screaming at me to do so, and avoid any stressful situations as best as I can. Because grief is EXHAUSTING. When I say that, I mean it feels similar to the worst flu you've ever had as far as the fatigue goes. I will literally have to lay down and often even sleep to manage the overwhelming sensations it brings.
What has really been interesting to me about it all is how I can go from completely hopeless and defeated one moment, certain that this can absolutely never get better. Then a song comes on the radio that I love, and before you know it, I'm singing happily in the car like nothing ever happened. I swear your mind does this to protect you from emotions and situations that are just too much for the human brain to accept. And with compounding losses such as I've had, I also can only sort through them one tiny piece at a time. The others have to be boxed up and put away neatly for some other day.
But how am I doing after losing my husband and both parents in a very short period of time? Better than I ever would have expected to be possible. The human spirit is amazingly resilient and no matter how much a person suffers, there is always that hope that remains for the future. I'm lonely without my people. I would give anything for a phone call from my mom. But this is what it is. And I'm going to pick up the shattered remnants of what life used to be, and turn that into something beautiful.
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