Smiling Through the Rain

 So here we are.  It's now a blog graveyard.  The followers have long since moved on and infertility is something that I've somewhat put in the past (only considering I don't want any more kids).  So why am I here and writing again?  What's the purpose?   This was my safe place.  It was where I came when everything seemed much too hard and I needed to feel comfort.  I wanted to express myself in a venue that others would reassure me and even understand me.  I still love and have always loved this blog.  It guided me during some of the hardest years of my life, dealing with infertility and miscarriage. And you know... I guess it will help me again now.  Because life is freaking TOUGH.  You know the phrase "I've went through Hell and back"?  Yeah, I feel that in my soul now.  I could have a blowout in the middle lane of the highway during rush hour traffic, manage to pull over my car on the side and call for roadsi...

Many mornings, I have actually felt a tear roll down my cheek before I even manage to pry my eyes open.  That is never a good sign for how the day will then progress.  I've learned that grief comes and goes in brutal, unpredictable waves.  The stretches of "good" days has definitely gotten longer with every passing day and I start feeling confident that I have things under control.   And then... BAM.  The sadness and anxiety hits me like a train and I may spend a day merely surviving. This has all taught me a ton about self-care.  I have to be extra mindful to get my sleep, rest when my body and mind are screaming at me to do so, and avoid any stressful situations as best as I can.  Because grief is EXHAUSTING.  When I say that, I mean it feels similar to the worst flu you've ever had as far as the fatigue goes.  I will literally have to lay down and often even sleep to manage the overwhelming sensations it brings.   What has r...

 Once you've heard a bit about what I've been doing the past 2 years, you might better understand why my blog went unattended.  So, in a nutshell: I was living my perfect life.  I'd been married for 15 years to the best guy I knew, finally had the two kids I had struggled so hard to have, and was living in my "forever" home on the most beautiful land.  It was good.   And then it absolutely came crashing down.  I found out that my marriage wasn't at all stable anymore, and that one of us (him) had essentially checked out without notifying the other (me).  It was absolutely devastating.  I left home with the kids for a few weeks to gather my thoughts and feel like I was in a place where I could mourn the loss of a relationship I had long cherished.  I was certain I would grow old with this person.  Obviously, I learned a whole lot about how much someone can change and that no one can truly be completely trusted. Things were tough from...

It has been WAY too long since I’ve posted here and I’m eager to rejoin the blogging world!!!  The kids are 5 and 7 and super fun, I’m working at a medspa doing injectables and lasers full time and I’m 14 years in to marriage now.   But here’s where life has now lead me!  I have been driven to do a medical mission trip over the past few weeks and I’m very set on Haiti.  Yes, they are currently having a temper tantrum over the increased fuel prices which they definitely can’t afford, but that country needs help!!!!!   So, I’m here to tell my story of how this all goes!  I’ll need lots of prayers and support in this crazy endeavor!

The fact that I blog less than I exercise is not a good sign.  I miss you all.  And I'm glad to be where I'm at because the problem is that my cup runneth over.  Life is crazy.  The kids are growing and becoming real people and exploring and I'm still struggling to figure out how to parent a VERY challenging 3-year-old. Dear Paisley is actually quite a joy to raise.  She is spunky and energetic and funny.  We desperately struggle to stifle our laughter as we discipline her for things that I never expected her to do or say.  She is the center of attention and loves her baby brother like there's no tomorrow.  I've never met a more opinionated and divalicious child though.  She picks every piece of clothing she wears, which toy she brings in the car, exactly what she is willing to eat, how her hair is fixed, which door she uses to get in the car, etc.  I hear you out there judging me.  I would have to until I gave birth to Whitney ...

Last month, I went to Chicago for 5 days with two of my PA classmates for a board review course. Can I just tell you how EASY it was to fly alone?!?  I made it through security in record speed, sat uninterrupted throughout the flight and even read a book (gasp!!!).   And even though I missed the little people, I thoroughly loved eating with friends and sleeping peacefully and bathroom time alone.   Aaron and I will be in Costa Rica for 8 days this summer and I worried about how I could leave them for so long but now I know I can.  It's important for me to have time away so I can remember who I am and enjoy doing non-mommy things.  Plus, I'm super excited to spend a week with poor neglected Aaron!!!

I had several people who read this who asked for more details so for those of you who have no interest in my new breasts, skip this post.  I won't blame you.   I went in at 8 am and had surgery at 9.  We were in the car driving home by 10:45.  I initially felt some tightness around my chest from the muscles being stretched, but have had no discomfort since coming home.  I took one norco for pain and I'm icing the girls every 2 hours.  I've been lying down because I'm supposed to but I feel like I could easily tolerate mild activity.   For those who are local, I used Dr. Justin Jones at Waterford plastic surgery.  He came highly recommended as the best in the state for this from a pa friend who works in the field and an anesthesiologist friend who has worked with a lot of plastic surgeons.  I had several consults but chose him because he was very thorough, and had amazing before and after pictures.   We did silicone gel implants under the...

Well, in two days I will be gaining back some of my awesome nursing curves.  I have decided to have a breast augmentation!  Now, before any of you go to judging me and acting like I'm super self-absorbed, let me explain my reasoning. I have always been super happy about my appearance and am really low maintenance.  I've never even used an eyelash curler, see a hairdresser about once every two years and buy clothes and purses that are not name brand.  Those things just aren't important to me. I've always placed a lot of importance on taking care of my body with exercise and decent eating (love Mexican food and cheesecake unfortunately).  I loved my appearance during pregnancy.  Even with 45 extra pounds and swelling in my legs that made them look like elephants, I thought I was pretty.  I loved my curves! And breastfeeding was even better.  I got to be skinny again and have awesome boobs.  What more could you ask for?   So I spent four ye...

My kids love to freak me out.  These kids never go to the pediatrician for any reason other than vaccinations.  They aren't ever sick or hurt.  It's pretty amazing.  But we just made our third ambulance trip last night. First was Paisley's trip in Vegas after having a seizure.  Next was Graham's transfer to the children's hospital from another hospital with meningitis.  Now last night.... Graham was sitting on a cute kid's chair in our living room.  He stood to scoot it behind him and tipped forward, hitting his head on our wood floor.  He stood up immediately but couldn't get a sound out and then passed out.  Aaron yells for my help and hands me an unconscious, non-breathing baby.  He is now stiff and blue and non responsive.   I tell Aaron to call 911 and thump Graham on the chest a few times.  (It's the beginning of CPR).  I haven't checked for a pulse yet but I know he isn't breathing.  So, after what seemed like ...

I miss blogging.  It's just that I'm trying to minimalize the busy-ness in my life right now because the holidays always make me overwhelmed.  Like I get a bit crazy.  All the gift-giving, shopping, parties, family, friends, drama, food, etc.  Sounds fun to most people but I just do better with simple.   And that word hasn't described my life since giving birth 3 years ago.  Sooo, I go missing from time to time, but I keep up with everyone else's blogs!   This was my mom's attempt at a Christmas card with the kids.  It looks like they were decently enjoying it but the truth is both kids were having fits for absolutely no reason.  She used it anyways. My ornery little stud-muffin playing on the stairs. Graham having a VERY rare fit.  I had to capture the moment. Sweet sibling time in pajamas.  Times like this one melt my heart and make me feel good about my decision to have two kids. Graham was tota...

Paisley's teacher, Ms. Cristi, sent home a picture of her from school today that made my heart so happy.  If you don't know which one she is, that would be the very pink and frilly little movie star in the middle.  No, it isn't picture day.  It isn't Easter or a school program.  That was just the outfit she insisted upon that day. Raising Paisley is far from easy.  Her day can fall apart if things don't go just right.  You have to put on her left shoe first.  Never cut up her bananas- she likes them whole.  She will get herself in and out of the car without your help thankyouverymuch.  She turns off the lights and TV when we leave.  And heaven forbid you don't zip up her jackets and put the hood on before opening the door. But what I've learned is with every demand she has, she also is becoming a very strong-willed independent girl who knows what she wants.  She isn't ever afraid to voice her opinion and she stands up for herself. ...

 Where in the world has time gone?  It's like I blink and a month has passed without a single blog post from me.  I would try to explain the Bermuda triangle of time that seems to suck away hours and even days without anything to show for it.  But it is truly just filled with crazy kid stuff.  And a teeny-tiny bit of sleep.   We've been doing great!  Spending lots of time with the horses while the weather has been nice.  The three girls are all doing wonderful.  One of them had a squamous cell cancer of the eye, but one of our best friends happens to be an equine surgeon so he removed it and she's doing well.  I realize the above picture is of a baby naked on a horse.  This is Graham as Lady Godiva.  :)   Actually, he had just destroyed his clothes playing at the land...  Paisley is still her very happiest on top of a horse.  She sings sweet songs and zones out into her own pleasant little world...

Five months after the deadly tornado that tore through my city leaving a wake of destruction in its path, houses are popping up all over.  Businesses have rebuilt, street signs are repaired and the debris is cleaned up.  People have healed. Right? My mom and I were running errands by our house yesterday and just decided to stop by the elementary school (Plaza Towers) where 7 young kids were killed when the tornado leveled their school.  We've been by here a few times to check for progress or visit the small memorial on site.   Yesterday was the most encouraging because so many houses are being re-built and most of the tragic destruction is removed.  It almost looks like a normal new neighborhood, save for a few seemingly abandoned houses that still look like a warzone.   It felt good to see that.  Even the school has been completely cleaned up and the beginnings of construction are underway to replace it. But on the far side of the schoo...

When someone described parenting as a job, they were mostly correct.  It is a lot of work.  The part they seemed to have missed was that you are completely unpaid.  And usually underappreciated.  And you never get to leave "work".  The job continues 24/7.  You may think when they go to bed at night that you have you're "break" time.  I disagree.  You are still on call.  Those little munchkins may wake up crying or with explosive vomiting or diarrhea or with a sudden desire to pee/get a drink/eat a snack/change pajamas.   I'm so thankful when we go 8 hours straight without an interruption.  The current stages we are in is definitely difficult.  Paisley goes through weeks where she is so pleasant.  She is funny and enjoyable.  Then she can transform into this little terrorist whose sole purpose on this planet is to torture her mom.  Right now, she doesn't like me.  For real.  She chooses my mom o...

Such an interesting turn of events that the blog that started as my comfort and safe place during the lonely world of infertility and charting and fertility drugs has now morphed over time into this.  The days that I am embarking on long-term birth control and preventative family planning.  Marking the end to my family building and settling in to the wonderful little group we've become.  It's a happy place for me.   I love and adore my two little people.  They are incredible and I love them even more as they are getting bigger and more fun and more interactive.  Our lives are full and exhausting and overwhelming.  And I don't want an accidental number three. My IUD has been in since Graham was 8 weeks old.  I would have had it inserted during my C-section if I thought that was an option.  We went with the paragard which is non-hormonal.  It was a simple procedure to have put in and hasn't caused any trouble since.  Who...

Hey friends, It's been a month and I've been totally MIA.  We went on a week-long cruise with both kids to the Virgin Islands which was amazing.  And tiresome.  And we're still recovering.  I should totally post some adorable babies in swimsuits on the beach photos.  If only I could remember where I downloaded them. The big thing going on in my mommy-world right now is weaning.  Or the attempt to wean.  Big man is now almost 14 months old and if it were his choice, we would nurse until college.  Seriously.  So, whereas with Paisley and I it was more of a mutual decision and seemed natural and easier, this one is a doozy. I've weaned him down to one feeding just in the mornings but I swear my breasts are hard as a rock and fuller than I've ever seen them by morning.  The milk fairy needs to spread the love elsewhere because I cannot cold turkey this with the production still up like it is.  Why is my body not getting the hint t...

I cannot believe my firstborn has turned THREE!!!  The moment she entered this world, my life changed forever.  I have not been well-rested or relaxed since that day, but it is all so worth it. She has the most infectious little laugh and has such a huge personality.   We had an awesome party with a cookout and swimming and then horseback riding.  Even daddy's tortoises came to meet everyone!

For those of you who live out of state, you may think all Oklahomans ride horses to work everyday and wear belt buckles the size of our heads.  TV shows do not help our case with such stereotypes.  We always cringe about the contestants they choose from here on all shows because they are always as country bumpkin as they can get. With that said, we have always wanted horses.  I have loved riding since I was a little girl and Paisley already adores them.  So when a popular riding stable near us closed due to owner retirement, all of their horses went to auction.  We went and won three of the child friendly horses!!! Meet our three mares, "Honey", "Buzz", and "Molly". They are amazingly gentle with our kids and we are all in love with them.  They do great with trail rides and give us lots of affection.

Everyone can breathe a giant sigh of relief and tell DHS that they don't need to investigate for now.  This house is back to normal. There is a very direct correlation between my attitude towards parenting and breaks from Mother's Day out.  When they have a break for holidays, they spend way too much time with me and with each other.  And then add an illness for each of them along with teething for one and you have a MESS! And the kids seem to thrive on the structure of school.  Which is just not something I am good at providing.  I'm very much a "let's-just-wake-up-when-we-feel-like-it-and-do-whatever-we-feel-like-doing-at-the-moment" kind of person.  Plans are fine if they happen to be made, but Aaron and I were spontaneous and unstructured before kids.  And now we are even more so because life is crazier. Moral of this story is that I should give you all fair warning when the kids will be out of school for several weeks again (Christmas) so that I d...

Lately I've been really stressed out as a mom.  Both kids had fifth's disease which produced a nice rash all over both of them, but the worst part was the foul moods that appeared.  We've now had two tough weeks of fits and mood swings.  And I was lying in bed last night after fighting Paisley for an hour to go to bed, and a thought hit me like a freight train. I don't hate being a mom.  Trust me, I've felt worried that maybe this wasn't the right role for me.  But then I figured it out I sometimes just resent that I'm not as good as I thought I'd be.  I know my own mom was better.  My expectations I had set for myself were just so much more than what I've actually managed. I pictured myself as fun and productive and calmer and organized.  The kids would have tidy little rooms and perfect schedules and cute activities.  And maybe I should have known that none of that fits my personality, but a girl can dream... What I'm living with currently ...