OPT's can kiss my....

Alrighty infertile friends (or regular friends who just know a lot about ovulation),
Let me pass this one by you to see what you think. My temperature charting is erratic this month. It had been normal up until 4 days ago when it spiked to 97.9, then dropped back to 97.2 back up to 97.8 and now 97.3 today. Last month, it held nicely around 97.2 until I ovulated. Then it stayed around 98.0. Aaron says my chart looks like a saw. I say it looks like a big fat waste of time...

Stay tuned, my OPT's are another fun story. I'm working my tush off to do the same thing every time I test, but that's apparently not working out so well. Yesterday the test line was almost as dark as the control (CD 10) and I'm supposed to call him when there is any increased darkening of the line on the next test. So today, I do another one and the line is MUCH lighter. Question is: do I call him tomorrow if the line is darker than today or only if it's darker than the day before?

Here's what I'm looking for in this situation: I want a chart and "pee tests" that will actually tell me something accurately. I don't want any of this "well, it looks like you ovulated on ___." I've totally figured out that this is not an exact science, but considering I have ovulated around day 14 for 2 months straight, where's the harm in just making my appointment for Day 13? Or how about just letting me try this at home unmonitored and unharassed for a little while?

Hope everyone is having a good week- I'm super excited about the LONG weekend!!! If my follicle doesn't get with the program, I'll be going in for a 4th of July ultrasound.

OPT's start tomorrow

Well, I get to start doing my ovulation predictor tests (OPT's) tomorrow morning which is just thrilling. I figured out that each test costs me about $5.00 which makes me a little nauseated to think about. Let's just stick with the annoying temperature chart. I can print those off at the cost of a tiny bit of ink and my thermometer is already paid off. :)

So, I'm about to get a little less sleep and a little more to do this week. And when we do see a change indicating ovulation is headed our way, I'll be going back in to see the doc. Another pelvic, more bloodwork, the loss of even more dignity and self-respect. I figured out that I have seen the dr. 13 times over the past 7 months and that doesn't count my surgery or subsequent hospitalization during which I saw a lot of him! I've lost count of the number of blood draws, pelvic exams, and other fun that I never knew I'd get to experience so much of.

And the sad part is... I don't even go nearly as much as some girls going through this. I feel stupid for even complaining about it when I read other blogs. But I also know that it's my future if my uterus doesn't get in line soon. IVF isn't a walk in the park!!!

On a totally different note: Renna, one of Mendy's twin girls, will be having her heart surgery tomorrow morning. I'm sure everything will go perfectly, but some prayers and positive thoughts can't hurt anything. I'll update you on that as soon as I hear anything. They're such precious little babies!!!

The Creativity is Overwhelming Tonight

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I just managed to actually fancy up my page a little. It was a little ugly and boring compared to others and maybe it still isn't anything to write home about, but it's about as good as it gets for me.

Nothing much new here, just waiting patiently for Day 10 to arrive so that I can start my ovulation tests. So, Dr. Haas tells me that he wants me to use my 2nd morning pee of the day to test with. Okay, I can do that. But then he tells me that he prefers I test around 7 a.m. so I can get in to see him quickly.

Holy crap, maybe I'm misunderstanding something here... you want me to get up and pee twice by 7 a.m. He says, "yes, you can get up around 5 and go the first time, drink a glass of water, wake up around 7, check your temperature, then go do the ovulation tests. To me, it all adds up to a peaceful night's sleep :)

I feel like someone should just admit me into some sort of facility for all of this nonsense so that someone can keep me on a tight schedule. Everything is SO scheduled and there is NO room for flexibility. Because if there is one lesson I've learned, it's that infertility does not care if it's a good time for you or if you feel like doing it. You suck it up, put on your big-girl panties, and do it anyways.

Our Little Slice of Heaven

I'm finally getting around to posting some pictures from our vacation! Now keep in mind that these are from a disposable camera since our real camera was stolen. The first picture was taken on our 5th anniversary which we celebrated while in Mexico. Aaron found the book that I'm "reading" from ones you could borrow from the resort and brought it to me. Read the title to see what a sweet husband I have... In case you have trouble reading it, the title is "The Devil in Amber." And boy, was he ever proud of himself.
















This is a picture on the grounds at our resort. It was absolutely beautiful! Aaron and I always love the food everywhere we stay, so we always pack on the pounds. We try not to give our opinion about food since we always love it. It's like asking me if something is spicy or not. I'm responsible for a couple of people's stomach ulcers due to poor advice on that matter. "Habaneros, sure you can eat them by themselves. Just wash it down with some jalapenos."











We are like fish on vacation, so most of our time was spent in these two places- in the pool or in the ocean! My fingers and toes were constantly wrinkly from being submerged. It was beautiful water and sand there, and the water was pretty calm. We met tons of really nice people (especially like the England crew- and LOVED their accents). It was a great break from all of our normal daily stresses and a reminder of how much I really love spending time with Aaron!

And here we go again

My period has arrived, bringing with it "cycle day 1". That means a brand new chart and new hope. It's crazy how many months my period just never came, which was the reason I sought medical attention and was diagnosed with PCOS so early on.

One of the benefits of having the ovarian drilling is so that I may get regular cycles without taking hormones that destroy my personality and threaten to ruin all of my relationships. Turns out in my case- it worked. I've had two perfect cycles since the surgery.

A period = not pregnant, but after 12 months of not even having periods on my own- we're taking it one step at a time. And even in "normal" people trying to conceive, it can take up to 1 year. Each cycle only has a 20% chance of pregnancy even for those playing with a full deck. You might say I'm riding the short bus to starting a family.

So, now we have ordered our ovulation predictor tests (fancy ones from my fertility pharmacy that I'm sure are no different that over-the-counter tests). I start peeing on those on Day 10 and as soon as I see ANY change in color, I call him immediately for a pelvic ultrasound. He'll check my follicle that's developing and give me an injection at that time. This cycle will be pretty closely monitored which probably means more pelvics, more time and lots more money.

But at least we haven't gotten to in vitro yet. I still feel like we're doing this the "natural way" right now. I'm kinda freaked out about a lot of intervention and at one point said I would quit before all of that. Now, I'm sure that I would try anything! Crazy how it changes when you're in the situation...

The Tale of a June Bug

If you like to read posts that make sense and have some sort of importance in life, stop reading now. This will be a complete waste of your time and energy in the great scheme of things, but I'm sharing anyways.

It all began last night when I walked into our restroom to find a june bug on the tile floor. Now, I'm not freaked out by bugs, but I'm not an insect lover either. So, I contemplate the options. I can kill it (unlikely since I hate the sound they make when you crunch them), yell for Aaron (at which point I get made fun of), or carry it outside to release it.

For some reason, I'm feeling rather heroic, so I carefully scoop the little bug up into about 85 sheets of toilet paper. (I do NOT want his sticky, little, creepy legs to accidentally touch me). I walk very slowly and cautiously through the house, open the front door, and prepare to set him free.

I'm feeling rather proud of myself at this point and consider calling for Aaron to see what a brave person I've been, but instead gently release him onto our front porch. Not two milliseconds later, a giant toad jumps over and eats my little friend instantly. He never got to enjoy the fresh air or freedom. But I catered a wonderful dinner for the toad.

Moral of the story: Don't release anything without checking for known predators first.

Good News!!!

Did I just hear you ask, "So Amber, what have you been doing lately?" Well, for your information, I have been ovulating... on my own... like a real girl... without any medications or treatments...

Looks like it happened on June 6 (day we left for vacation) which makes me 9 days post-ovulation. Great news is that he drew my progesterone level today and it was 15.4 which is way higher than usual. Even better news is that I escaped his office for the first time without taking my pants off (aka: no pelvic ultrasound). Which is lucky, not because I have any trace of humility remaining, but since I have some seriously ridiculous tan lines right now and did not shave my legs.

There was certainly a point when I thought the surgery was a terrible decision (especially when I felt that I literally might die and had to be hospitalized), but now I'm so glad I tried this. Of course, we aren't guaranteed that anything will happen, but at least now I have a chance. I might even get to take a pregnancy test at some point. Hopefully soon...

So the new agenda: if I don't start by 6/22 (Tues) I go in for a pregnancy test in his office. If I start before then, I call him on Day 1 and we start doing ovulation predictor tests at home. As soon as the line changes at all, I go in for an ultrasound and hopefully an injection to improve that ovulation. This next month will be more closely monitored, meaning I get to spend more money on doctor's visits. Yeah!!!

Most importantly: one of my very best friends just had her twin girls at 28 weeks gestation (12 weeks early) and although they're all doing better than expected, please pray for them. They each weigh just over 2 pounds each and it's going to be a long road for all involved. This couldn't have happened to a nicer person and we're so thankful that everyone has done so well so far.

Mexico: My Perfect Escape

We had an absolutely perfect time on our Mexico trip. It really was one of my very favorite trips of all time, possibly because I've never needed a vacation so much. We stayed at a great resort which was only 40% occupied due to the economy and swine flu scare. So we got great service and always had a beach chair. Everyone at the resort was super nice, so we made lots of friends and ate tons of yummy food.

I had intended to post some pictures on here of our trip, but unfortunately someone (Aaron would now point at me) might have lost a locker key during an excursion and someone (bad person in Mexico) found it and stole our money and our camera. We were upset for an hour until we got back to our hotel and had some drinks and swam. Then we bought a disposable camera for way too much money. So once I develop pictures the old-school way, I'll post them.
I'm sure they'll be great quality. :)

I have lots of fun Mexico stories, but no one wants to read a novel so I'll include my favorite one now and maybe save the others for the rest of the week. Okay, so I've never seen a bidet which is essentially a fancy French "toilet like" device that you use to rinse off after "taking care of business". Well, our room had one. So I think great, I love to try new things. So I bend over it to watch what's going to happen when I turn it on, and I carefully turn the handle expecting to barely see anything come up, and I get a gush of cold toilet water all over my face and chest. Aaron turns around just in time to see me dripping all over it! I never chose to use it on my tush after that considering the force with which it hit me in the face....

Also, I see Dr. Haas in the morning (way too early) and I ovulated again this month on Day 15 while we were gone, so we'll see if my progesterone levels are miraculously any better this month. I'll post again tomorrow!!!

Off to Mexico!!!

We are leaving for Tulum, Mexico (near Riviera Maya) tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. Of course, we're super excited about some time away! I wish I could leave all of this infertility nonsense behind, but I still have to take my temp every morning so the chart is tagging along too. As well as my meds. But it could always be worse.

We're not sure what we'll be doing when we're there yet, we aren't plan-ahead kind of people. I definitely want to check out Xel-Ha and maybe some cenotes, but otherwise I'm pretty content just lying on the beach or swimming. Oh, and eating ridiculous amounts of food! I may show before and after swimsuit pictures. It's something like Jenny Craig in reverse.

My next doc's appointment (aka: "stirrup day") will be 6/15 which is the day after we get back. And my first day back at work, which is awesome because that means I'll get to wake up even earlier for my first day to make it by 7:30 to see the doc. But I'll be anxious to see how the ol' ovaries are doing. I hope everyone has a great week and I'll post pictures and stuff when we get home. (Of vacation, not my ovaries)

Off to catch some sun, relaxation, and swine flu- Amber

I can have sharp objects in the house again

Well, based on several much-appreciated responses I got to yesterday's posting, I think I may have worried some people. So, I need to take a minute to reassure you all that I really am fine. Sometimes I like to throw myself on the ground, kick my feet and throw a temper tantrum. I have 68 different emotions throughout the course of the day and I need to wait till it swings back around to a more pleasant one before I post messages. Leason learned...

I'm having a ridiculously stressful week at work and preparing for vacation is always a bit overwhelming for me. Plus, I have all these brand-new female hormones floating around in there creating nothing but pure chaos in my formerly stable system. I'm not making excuses, just explaining the currently wild and crazy world I live in. Learning to be a girl is not easy!!!

Sometimes I really can't figure out why anyone would put up with me as a friend, daughter, wife, co-worker, etc. but I'm sure glad you do. I think you must be the most patient people in the world and without you all, I am pretty sure I'd be a raging lunatic. So thanks and sorry for being such a party pooper yesterday!

Just Need a Break

I've been okay most of the time about this whole infertility business, but this has been one of those weeks where I'm just not okay. I'm irritated, frustrated, sad, and pessimistic. The question of "why" keeps rolling through my mind, and I know that there is no good reason. It's just the hand we're dealt. And one year into this, our marriage is stronger than ever and my life is still fantastic. And yet I feel my heart break a little more every day with the thought that we'll never be parents.

It's crazy because I had such a blissful ignorance going into this whole thing. I really did think we'd just get pregnant right away because that's what happened for EVERYONE else. Considering that I was dragging my feet with the baby thing, I was somewhat happy that it wasn't the first two months.

But as time has gone by, I've become so much more distraught at the tiniest things. One of the worst days was mother's day. We went to a graduation and they had the moms stand- I felt like the only one sitting. And at church they gave carnations to the moms- I entered the pew empty-handed and broken-hearted.

Every week in church, we have "children's prayer time" where they play this sweet lullaby type music and all the kids go to the front to kneel and lead us all in prayer. Everyone else smiles and watches them, having no idea how much effort it takes for me not to cry. I bite my lip and put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Just like I deal with it all the time. You never forget that you're infertile. Not a single minute passes where I don't remember. It influences everything in your life. I constantly have to remind myself that people do not mean to make me sad. I'm really not depressed and I rarely cry (like twice a year and it's usually over an animal) so don't get too worried about me. I just needed to express my feelings. And now I feel a lot better.

Also, we're leaving for Mexico on Saturday so soon my worries will be left behind. And I'm already on cycle day 9, so I'll probably ovulate in the next 4-5 days if I'm going to. So we'll see how this month goes. I promise not to be such a bummer next time!!!