Bye, bye Breasts...

Seriously, I've never been well-endowed. But I was okay with my properly proportioned breasts before. When I got pregnant, "the girls" immediately became much more voluptuous. Kind of like Lynette on Desperate Housewives. Except hers are obviously not really bigger and I didn't wear low-cut shirts all the time to display them. (Which I now regret considering they are gone.)

But about 3 days after my D&C, they disappeared. Which sucked. But I thought, well I can live with what I had before. Today, however, I feel like they have nearly disappeared. If things continue at this pace, I won't need to wear a bra by Christmas. I'll just be placing band-aids strategically, especially in cold weather. Great for comfort, not for curves. And they are no longer the same size. I had no idea that my left breast was so unhappy and so quick to bail on me.

You can't give a girl a nice instant boob job and then just take it all away along with her pregnancy. I felt like I should get to keep them as a consolation prize. But instead they've decided to head for the hills. Great, now I look like a pre-adolescent boy... So NOT fair!!!

Siamese Strawberries

I have never in my life seen a siamese twin strawberry, but I had two in the batch I ate this evening. They tasted delicious, but Aaron questioned the hormones or chemicals used that created such a defect. Uh-oh. What if this affects my fertility??? Maybe I'll grow 100 cysts on each ovary, have high amounts of male hormones, and fail to ovulate unless someone drills 10 holes in each ovary with a laser. (For those who don't know, I'm kidding. Totally already had all of those things happen.)

So, I joyfully ate the strawberries. Heck, maybe it'll fix something in there. At this point, pretty sure it isn't going to hurt. :)

Go Ahead, Lock me Up

We're friends, right? I can totally tell you girls (and some guys who wish to remain private readers because it's apparently embarrassing to read an infertility blog) anything on my mind, can't I? If your answer was "no way" or "I'm not quite comfortable with that", you should probably stop reading now. For the true friends, here goes...

So, a realization slammed into me like a mack truck yesterday. When my grandma, cousin, then friend of the family all walked up to me at the funeral and asked when "the little one is due", I had the fleeting idea of answering as if the miscarriage hadn't really happened. I actually wanted to just pretend things are fine, tell them May 22nd was the big day, smile like the proudest expectant mother and maybe even rub my belly for good measure.

But that's crazy talk. What in the world is wrong with you, insane girl?

Don't worry about me, it's just the infertility talking. You just get to a point where you're tired of disappointing people around you. It's always, "nope, still not pregnant", "that treatment didn't work", or "we lost that pregnancy". People are starting to dread talking to us for fear of having to hear about another failed month. And I'm quite honestly tired of talking about it.

It was such a wonderful change of pace to tell people I was pregnant. To talk about pregnancy symptoms and due dates and ultrasounds where you expect to see something in the uterus. I've talked myself and everyone around me to death about infertility. People are ready to fling themselves from moving vehicles to avoid hearing about my cycles, cervical mucus, and emotional turmoil.

And then I realized, I'm just one slippery step away from being like those crazy women who fake their pregnancies and steal someone's baby. Uh-oh... When did I lose my mind? Now, let's take a minute to note that I am perfectly aware that stealing a baby is also spelled F-E-L-O-N-Y. I'm just saying- infertility and pregnancy loss can make the mind play tricks on you. You become a little desperate. Which in my book also equals crazy.

So, now that I've worried everyone about my sanity or lack thereof, I hope you all have a great weekend. Just back away from the computer and forget that this ever happened.

Memorial Service

Today was Kate's memorial service which, of course, was incredibly heart-breaking. Seeing a tiny little casket is completely surreal. Knowing that we will never see her again is hard to imagine. I am glad she will never have to suffer. And I am so thankful that she was brought into our lives. Never will a little one mean so much to me and make such a huge impact in such a short amount of time.

Many of our family and friends were there. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. I realized a very important lesson. News of a pregnancy travels like wildfire. News of a miscarriage does not.

I can't tell you how many times I was asked today about when I'm due, or congratulated on our baby. And this isn't the first time this has happened. My neighbors congratulated me on Halloween night. And it's so sad to watch their faces go from happy to sad/embarrassed in seconds. They don't realize that I'm okay. Infertility has given me thick skin. They think that they just broke my heart. I can't convince them that it will take a lot more than that.

But I realized that I have to keep the next pregnancy (God willing) a lot more private. I just don't want to see the hurt faces again next time. And we will probably be even less excited about the next pregnancy than we were about this one. I never felt completely comfortable about it. You can't put this much time, money and effort into something and not feel total fear that it will all be taken away.

I am sad for our loss. It's unfair that we'll never meet our baby. But I'm even more upset for Amee and Billy. I just can't even begin to imagine their pain. It really puts my own situation into perspective...

Sweet Little Kate

I've been trying to complete this post for 3 days now. It's so difficult that I'm going to keep it brief. My cousin, Amee, had identical twin girls on the 4th of July this year. While Marley is completely healthy, Kate was born with a major heart defect. She had open heart surgery at 10 days old and spent 2 months in the hospital. She has been home for the past month and we've been so fortunate to spend a lot of time with her and Marley. (We live about 2 minutes from them.)


On Sunday, her heart suddenly stopped and she was taken from us. She was an incredible little girl with a beautiful smile and such a brave spirit. It was just more than she could take.


I will never be able to thank my cousin enough for allowing me into Kate's life. She has a permanant place in my heart and will never be forgotten. I feel so much anger and sadness that she won't grow up with Marley. But I'm thankful that we were given the chance to know her and that she won't have to endure any more surgeries or pain.


We were able to spend about 4 hours with her on Sunday and took some great pictures with her. She was happy all day that day which makes this so hard to understand. I just wanted to share her with those who didn't get the chance to meet her.

Marley (pink headband) & Kate (green headband)

Aaron with Kate

Me and Kate

Kate, you had the most amazing smile and sassy personality. You were a joy to be around and I'll never forget the hours I spent just holding you. Your face always lit up when we talked to you. You are still the toughest, most resilient baby I've ever met and I'm going to miss you so much. I would give anything in this world to have you back with us, but I know you're in a better place. We know you'll watch over Marley from Heaven. We love you so much.

Happy Halloween!!!

My favorite holiday of the whole year is Halloween. I love the costumes, decorating, parties, scary movies, candy, trick-or-treating, etc. There are no gifts involved and I don't have to see all of our crazy family members. Last year, I did have a minor melt-down while handing out candy because it hit me that I may never have a child to take door to door. Let's hope I do better this year. Sobbing scares away little children. :)

We usually have a big Halloween party to celebrate with friends, but due to the month we've had, I chose not to. Now I'm sad about it! I thought I'd include some of our past Halloween pictures.

Fred and Wilma Flinstone (we wore these to a freezing cold outdoor party) We were able to survive due to Colby's special party drink he made!

Whoopie Cushion and a Paper Doll (mine was made of cardboard)

Pinocchio and a Chia Pet (my costume weighed a ton!) I'm still surprised

that Aaron agreed to this one.

Loofah and a Bathtub (we won 1st place with this one during vet school)

And lastly, I want to share a picture of a gift Aaron bought me for Halloween. He thought it fit me perfectly. A little background for those that don't know me, I was an only child and an only grandchild on my mom's side. I was raised with lots of praise and encouragement. They tought me that if someone makes fun of you or is mean to you, it's because they're jealous. Let me tell you- that theory got me through school. I was always the shortest kid in class and we were pretty poor so I never had the coolest clothes, hair, etc. So in my defense, I think they did a great job parenting me!

Stay tuned- tomorrow I will post pictures of our furry babies in their Halloween costumes. Go ahead, make fun of us. We dress up our pets for Halloween. Further proof that we are well overdue for a baby!

My Plan: The Lazy Approach to Infertility

This may not be much of an important post because I don't have that much important stuff to say right now. I'm not saying that I don't have anything to say because let's all face it- I always have something to talk about. And maybe it's never all that important.

My doc suggested that maybe I do ovulation tests this month to track things. I thought about it. And decided that I'm gonna pass. I've done ovulation tests plenty of times and get nothing accurate. My body loves nothing more than to confuse me and my docs. And infertility tests just add to the madness. So, no thanks. I give my patients "homework" all the time just to keep them busy. I know it won't make them better, but it distracts them. I'm not falling into that trap...

I am, however, watching my temps every now and then. So far, they've been all over the place but they are trending downwards. The other day I even got a 97.2 which is my normal pre-ovulation temp. So maybe we're getting there.

I considered checking my HCG this week to see how much it's lowered, but again I just haven't. It's terribly hard to motivate myself to put in all this effort when I never got pregnant while "trying". The month I did absolutely nothing... BAM! Pregnant. So I think what I'll do is just hang out, look at my thermometer on the dresser every now and then, and wait for a period. That will tell me that I ovulated. And after several failed months of my approach, I'll consider going back to the infertility doc. Until then, I'm pretending to be "normal".