Monday, November 9, 2009
Bye, bye Breasts...
But about 3 days after my D&C, they disappeared. Which sucked. But I thought, well I can live with what I had before. Today, however, I feel like they have nearly disappeared. If things continue at this pace, I won't need to wear a bra by Christmas. I'll just be placing band-aids strategically, especially in cold weather. Great for comfort, not for curves. And they are no longer the same size. I had no idea that my left breast was so unhappy and so quick to bail on me.
You can't give a girl a nice instant boob job and then just take it all away along with her pregnancy. I felt like I should get to keep them as a consolation prize. But instead they've decided to head for the hills. Great, now I look like a pre-adolescent boy... So NOT fair!!!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Siamese Strawberries
So, I joyfully ate the strawberries. Heck, maybe it'll fix something in there. At this point, pretty sure it isn't going to hurt. :)
Friday, November 6, 2009
Go Ahead, Lock me Up
So, a realization slammed into me like a mack truck yesterday. When my grandma, cousin, then friend of the family all walked up to me at the funeral and asked when "the little one is due", I had the fleeting idea of answering as if the miscarriage hadn't really happened. I actually wanted to just pretend things are fine, tell them May 22nd was the big day, smile like the proudest expectant mother and maybe even rub my belly for good measure.
But that's crazy talk. What in the world is wrong with you, insane girl?
Don't worry about me, it's just the infertility talking. You just get to a point where you're tired of disappointing people around you. It's always, "nope, still not pregnant", "that treatment didn't work", or "we lost that pregnancy". People are starting to dread talking to us for fear of having to hear about another failed month. And I'm quite honestly tired of talking about it.
It was such a wonderful change of pace to tell people I was pregnant. To talk about pregnancy symptoms and due dates and ultrasounds where you expect to see something in the uterus. I've talked myself and everyone around me to death about infertility. People are ready to fling themselves from moving vehicles to avoid hearing about my cycles, cervical mucus, and emotional turmoil.
And then I realized, I'm just one slippery step away from being like those crazy women who fake their pregnancies and steal someone's baby. Uh-oh... When did I lose my mind? Now, let's take a minute to note that I am perfectly aware that stealing a baby is also spelled F-E-L-O-N-Y. I'm just saying- infertility and pregnancy loss can make the mind play tricks on you. You become a little desperate. Which in my book also equals crazy.
So, now that I've worried everyone about my sanity or lack thereof, I hope you all have a great weekend. Just back away from the computer and forget that this ever happened.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Memorial Service
Many of our family and friends were there. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. I realized a very important lesson. News of a pregnancy travels like wildfire. News of a miscarriage does not.
I can't tell you how many times I was asked today about when I'm due, or congratulated on our baby. And this isn't the first time this has happened. My neighbors congratulated me on Halloween night. And it's so sad to watch their faces go from happy to sad/embarrassed in seconds. They don't realize that I'm okay. Infertility has given me thick skin. They think that they just broke my heart. I can't convince them that it will take a lot more than that.
But I realized that I have to keep the next pregnancy (God willing) a lot more private. I just don't want to see the hurt faces again next time. And we will probably be even less excited about the next pregnancy than we were about this one. I never felt completely comfortable about it. You can't put this much time, money and effort into something and not feel total fear that it will all be taken away.
I am sad for our loss. It's unfair that we'll never meet our baby. But I'm even more upset for Amee and Billy. I just can't even begin to imagine their pain. It really puts my own situation into perspective...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sweet Little Kate
On Sunday, her heart suddenly stopped and she was taken from us. She was an incredible little girl with a beautiful smile and such a brave spirit. It was just more than she could take.
I will never be able to thank my cousin enough for allowing me into Kate's life. She has a permanant place in my heart and will never be forgotten. I feel so much anger and sadness that she won't grow up with Marley. But I'm thankful that we were given the chance to know her and that she won't have to endure any more surgeries or pain.
We were able to spend about 4 hours with her on Sunday and took some great pictures with her. She was happy all day that day which makes this so hard to understand. I just wanted to share her with those who didn't get the chance to meet her.
Marley (pink headband) & Kate (green headband)
Aaron with Kate
Me and Kate
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween!!!

Fred and Wilma Flinstone (we wore these to a freezing cold outdoor party) We were able to survive due to Colby's special party drink he made!

Whoopie Cushion and a Paper Doll (mine was made of cardboard)

Pinocchio and a Chia Pet (my costume weighed a ton!) I'm still surprised
that Aaron agreed to this one.

Loofah and a Bathtub (we won 1st place with this one during vet school)
And lastly, I want to share a picture of a gift Aaron bought me for Halloween. He thought it fit me perfectly. A little background for those that don't know me, I was an only child and an only grandchild on my mom's side. I was raised with lots of praise and encouragement. They tought me that if someone makes fun of you or is mean to you, it's because they're jealous. Let me tell you- that theory got me through school. I was always the shortest kid in class and we were pretty poor so I never had the coolest clothes, hair, etc. So in my defense, I think they did a great job parenting me!
Stay tuned- tomorrow I will post pictures of our furry babies in their Halloween costumes. Go ahead, make fun of us. We dress up our pets for Halloween. Further proof that we are well overdue for a baby!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
My Plan: The Lazy Approach to Infertility
My doc suggested that maybe I do ovulation tests this month to track things. I thought about it. And decided that I'm gonna pass. I've done ovulation tests plenty of times and get nothing accurate. My body loves nothing more than to confuse me and my docs. And infertility tests just add to the madness. So, no thanks. I give my patients "homework" all the time just to keep them busy. I know it won't make them better, but it distracts them. I'm not falling into that trap...
I am, however, watching my temps every now and then. So far, they've been all over the place but they are trending downwards. The other day I even got a 97.2 which is my normal pre-ovulation temp. So maybe we're getting there.
I considered checking my HCG this week to see how much it's lowered, but again I just haven't. It's terribly hard to motivate myself to put in all this effort when I never got pregnant while "trying". The month I did absolutely nothing... BAM! Pregnant. So I think what I'll do is just hang out, look at my thermometer on the dresser every now and then, and wait for a period. That will tell me that I ovulated. And after several failed months of my approach, I'll consider going back to the infertility doc. Until then, I'm pretending to be "normal".