Woo-hoo! Ovulation has occurred...

Of all these months that I've tried to do ovulation predictor tests (for my IUI, clomid cycles, etc)and have been absolutely baffled by the results, I finally got my positive test. In the past, I've done them and thought, "is that line as dark as the control line?" "Am I doing this right?" "It is urine I'm supposed to use on this, right?" Now, I get it. This is what a positive should look like.

R is the control line and T is the test line. It's checking the LH (luteinizing hormone) in my body. LH peaks right before ovulation occurs. What you're looking for is the test line to be as dark or darker than the control line. I got this positive yesterday(on CD 16) and then my temp peaked this morning. So, it looks like the egg has been laid...

I've done my part. Let fertilization occur. Or not. But for now, I just want to say how happy I am that my surgery worked. We never had a chance at getting pregnant before. I NEVER ovulated even with fertility drugs. But now I do it even without seeing my RE. Wow.

So, this cycle looks good as of now. Of course, we still only have about a 20% chance of getting pregnant which is quite lame if you ask me. But it's better than 0%. And I'm trying to be thankful that I at least have a chance. We're back in the ballgame.

Team Jacob

Aaron, me and both our moms went to see New Moon last night. I read the books and always preferred Jacob. It never made any sense to me why Bella would choose Edward. He just seemed so gloomy and serious all the time, while Jacob was fun and kind. However, I solidified my die-hard Jacob status last night watching the movie.

Mmmm...mmm....mmmmm.

I mean, really, how in the world would you not pick Jacob? Look at him! I can't even give a fair opinion of the movie due to my ridiculous fascination with this guy. I know there are lots of Edward fans out there, but I just can't see the competition...

*Note: I was not informed of his underage status until after the movie. Plus, I think any 17- year-old who looks this good is no longer covered under child protective services. Correct me if I'm wrong.*

Survive Thanksgiving: Check

It may not have been easy, but it could have been worse. The tour of Thanksgiving dinners was survived...

We start at my dad's side of the family who live in the country. It's always full of people since I have 13 cousins on that side. My dad was actually there this year and on good behavior which is a rare occasion. The family played horseshoes, checked out Grandpa's new chickens (not kidding), and of course ate turkey.

Then we moved on to my mom's side of the family. She was an only child and my grandparents have passed away, so now it's just her aunt, uncle and cousin. My cousin has a 1-year-old so we were able to spend some time with him. At house #2, we discussed how my uncle shot the turkey in the back and we were even shown pictures of the poor turkey we were eating. By this point I am getting extremely full and tired of turkey.

House #3: Aaron's family. By far the classiest house we go to on Thanksgiving, we even use china. (The other two houses use paper plates.) My mother in law had scratched her eye while in the shower before we got there, so she wasn't able to open one eye. Made for some great jokes, but nevertheless, Aaron and I went to his vet clinic to get her some eye drops. She eventually felt better and we ate. Turkey. Again.

I can't tell you how many times people tell us that we're not eating enough, or we must not like their food. We ate at 1 pm, 3 pm, and 6 pm. Do the math, people. Our metabolism can't possibly keep up with that. It's like we're in a traveling turkey-eating-competition. And a person can only eat so much turkey.

Point of this whole story is that not one person mentioned the miscarriage or the infertility. And even better no one asked when we were going to have kids. That's the blessing of telling everyone about our problems. I didn't have to deal with stupid questions! Of course I was sad. The thought was never too far from me that I should be pregnant. And I am sure hoping that next year I will be. Maybe then I'll be able to eat more of their stupid turkey...

*Catie- your message that you sent me a couple of posts ago was incredible. It brought tears to my eyes. You have been such a positive, uplifting support for me through this. And I can't thank you enough for your friendship. Your joy would never cause me pain... You are such an amazing person and I am SO glad Robbie married you!

Thankful? Not so much...

Got the "lovely" chance to meet a perfectly nice, new patient today and refer her to an OB since she's 11 weeks pregnant with a perfect baby. Good for her. No really, I am so glad that it only took her 1 month to get pregnant with her 3rd flippin' baby. And that she is "trying" for a boy this time. Thank goooooodness she survived such an ordeal...

The holidays are not exactly bringing out the sunshine in me. In fact, I'm having a complete meltdown. I've cried twice this week which is more than I cry some years. And you know what crying does besides making my eyes puffy and my nose run? It makes me mad.

I miss my baby. I miss my pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, one of the first things I did was figure out how far along I would be at Thanksgiving. I was about 14 weeks wrong, it turns out. So now what I am is angry. And empty. At a time when I thought I would be so excited. We'd be in the 2nd trimester. We'd be well on our way to meeting our baby. All the should-have-beens keep rolling through my mind.

This has turned out to be a lot harder than I expected. I read somewhere than women who have struggled to get pregnant have a tougher time dealing with a miscarriage. This is not to say it isn't always hard. But when you've been waiting on this baby for so long and have been through so much already, it's extra tough. We wanted this so much.

Suddenly it seems like everyone else is getting pregnant. Like 90% of the female population. And I can't help but wonder why not me? Why do they get to keep their babies and I had to lose mine? Why are they posting belly pics and ultrasound photos and I'm still dealing with infertility? And why do they always have to be everywhere that I am???

The road isn't fair and there are NO good answers. I get that. If there is one thing I've learned through this, it's that every single story is very unique. Every ending is different. And every journey varies in distance, direction and speed. And all that I really want is to know that at some point, we will bring home a baby. But no one can guarantee that.

Tomorrow will be one year since we first walked in to the fertility clinic. I remember how scared and excited and hopeful I felt. I remember thinking that I didn't really belong there. At some point, they'd realize there was a mistake. I was fine... I remember when he told me I had PCOS and what our treatment plan was. Things were so different then. I believed in my heart that I would soon be pregnant. And I never thought I'd be one of those girls who had trouble or who lost a pregnancy. But here we are. And it sucks. Plain and simple- the whole thing sucks. And right now, I'm just not okay with it.

* Good news of the day: Aaron entered a weight loss challenge at our gym and worked his tush off for the past 6 weeks. We just found out that he lost the biggest % of body fat of the 20 participants so he gets $400.00!!! I'm so proud of him!!! *

11 years later...

Aaron called me on my way to work this morning to ask me if I knew what day it was. This is when sheer panic sets in. The only times I get asked this question is when I've forgotten something pretty huge, like my mom's birthday. (It only happened once and I will NEVER make that mistake again...) And then I realize...

November 23rd. The day we became a couple 11 years ago. Wow, 11 years...

I had driven up to Stillwater to have dinner with him that night during our 1st year of college. (I moved to Stillwater for my 2nd year to join him.) At this point, most would have thought I was crazy to follow a boy across the state to attend a college I had never considered. But it was the best and most important decision of my whole life.

Crazy looking back now at how simple and uncomplicated things were. We were just 18-year-old kids with our whole lives ahead of us. I'm so glad we didn't know then that combined we'd be a reproductive nightmare... What I also didn't see at that time was that we were strong enough to make it through anything. I knew that he was perfect for me and that I couldn't live without him. But I had no clue how much I would need him or how much we would go through.

Hoping that I can give him the best gift of all in the upcoming year. I'm feeling like year 12 is our year...

Opposites Attract

Anyone who knows Aaron and I would say that we are pretty much as different as we can be in many areas. He is more on the quiet side, while I like to tell my business to anyone willing to listen. (Thus, the blog began...) He's very determined and hard-working, while I'm more on the lazy side and will do anything to sneak a nap in. The list could continue forever and you all are free to add your own thoughts in the comment section, but I thought I'd show you two pictures to demonstrate what I mean.

I went in to our bedroom the other night and discovered this on my side of the bed. Nope, the bed isn't made up, our decorative pillows are shoved under the bed, and I will guarantee that the dresser needs to be dusted, but notice the floor. Pretty empty, right?



But then I made the fatal error of looking on Aaron's side of the bed. And this is what I found:
The kicker here is that this is frequently what his side looks like. And those clothes on the bed and floor are sometimes clean. How does he know that? No idea, they look dirty to me. But he's got some kind of "system". Now, I would like to take a minute to give him credit for doing his own laundry. I feel that all men with at least one arm are capable of doing their own laundry, but do appreciate that he does his without a fight.

Which leads us to one last difference between us. Aaron feels that laundry should be sorted in to nice organized piles based on some technical mathematical formula and done in about 10 loads. Then some things are dried, some are laid flat, and some are hung up.

My laundry works like this:

1. Take the entire laundry basket and dump in washer. Squish it in if it doesn't want to fit in one load.
2. Move all to drier. If anything doesn't survive this process, it wasn't meant to be.
   
   

I thought I'd put a picture of us with the twins of our best friends, Mendy and Adam. They started out at 2 pounds each, so they have come a LONG ways. We were able to spend the evening with them last night and enjoyed it so much. They are such an incredible family and we are so very lucky to have them in our lives. Thanks for always being there for us!!!

No Room for Infertiles Here

The mall was literally swarming with all things baby tonight. We go to do some unneccessary shopping (retail therapy, as I call it) and I lost count of all the baby bumps, adorable children, and newborns that we saw. It was like women were trying to hit me with their sweet little bellies or run me over with their cutesy strollers or kill me with their picture-perfect families. I get it, people. You can ALL have children and I can't.

I just went to the mall to escape!!! It's swine flu season for goodness sake! Did they not get the memo about keeping their babies away from crowds???

Pottery Barn Kids nearly made me lose it. It's like that store is designed to rip me apart at the seams. I do fine with Motherhood Maternity. In fact, I like to joke about how their clothes are designed to make you look stupid when pregnant. But just allow me a glance in the direction of Pottery Barn Kids and I turn into this whimpery, pathetic soul.

So, we're back at home. Safe and sound. Aaron has made a promise to hide all of the Christmas cards that we get of our friends with their adorable families. Only ones with dogs are allowed this year. It's like how he hides the envelopes from wedding invitations when people address it to Mr. and Mrs. Aaron. I am not Mrs. Aaron, thank you very much. Marriage did not delete my first name. (I could go on and on here, maybe another time.)

I've officially lost my mind. Which sucks considering I didn't have much control over it in the first place.