Once you've heard a bit about what I've been doing the past 2 years, you might better understand why my blog went unattended. So, in a nutshell: I was living my perfect life. I'd been married for 15 years to the best guy I knew, finally had the two kids I had struggled so hard to have, and was living in my "forever" home on the most beautiful land. It was good.
And then it absolutely came crashing down. I found out that my marriage wasn't at all stable anymore, and that one of us (him) had essentially checked out without notifying the other (me). It was absolutely devastating. I left home with the kids for a few weeks to gather my thoughts and feel like I was in a place where I could mourn the loss of a relationship I had long cherished. I was certain I would grow old with this person. Obviously, I learned a whole lot about how much someone can change and that no one can truly be completely trusted.
Things were tough from there. I filed for divorce, and tried to begin scraping up the shattered remnants of the life I once had. It felt empty and I felt lost. Betrayal is one of the hardest things to deal with, in my opinion. This was a form of grief, but with the person still living and breathing. And I've found that in most cases, the person who caused the destruction doesn't typically feel any type of guilt. I've had to learn to forgive when an apology isn't made.
Soon after this, my father committed murder. I'm not kidding. He shot and killed my stepmom. There will be lots of posts regarding this because it is a pivotal point of my existence. I can tell you that it changes your perspective on so many things, and actually I learned even more about forgiveness. He spent several months in jail before having a stroke, and dying in the hospital shortly after. If there is one crisis that I have dealt with the most, it is this one. And I realize that sounds crazy.
Speed forward a grudgingly terrible 3 months, and my very best friend in this world (my mom) was diagnosed with lung cancer. And it was already advanced. This is a woman who spent 12 hour days at Universal Studios with me and the kids 6 weeks prior and rode the biggest rollercoasters while there. So to say it was a shock doesn't even do it justice. She had a cough. Then she had fatigue. And then two different doctor visits got her nowhere. She fought for a mere 2 months before it became too much. And March 12, 2020, I lost my mom.
Of all the trauma I have endured over the past few years, losing her was in a league of its own. I could conquer anything with her by my side. We were always together, and talked so many times a day. We took trips together and raised my kids together. She was my person. And then she was gone. And the loneliness and emptiness I have felt since is astounding and deafening. I've thought sometimes the heartache is so intense that it will surely stop beating. But it doesn't.
So, here I am. I'm raw and vulnerable and angry and hopeful. Everything has changed, and yet my kids are the most important people ever. My focus is so much clearer now and I'm able to truly see what my time and energy should be spent on. And I'm unwilling to spend any time with a person who drains any of that from me. I'm glad you're here and I'm looking forward to writing this next chapter in my life.
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