So here we are. It's now a blog graveyard. The followers have long since moved on and infertility is something that I've somewhat put in the past (only considering I don't want any more kids). So why am I here and writing again? What's the purpose?
This was my safe place. It was where I came when everything seemed much too hard and I needed to feel comfort. I wanted to express myself in a venue that others would reassure me and even understand me. I still love and have always loved this blog. It guided me during some of the hardest years of my life, dealing with infertility and miscarriage.
And you know... I guess it will help me again now. Because life is freaking TOUGH. You know the phrase "I've went through Hell and back"? Yeah, I feel that in my soul now. I could have a blowout in the middle lane of the highway during rush hour traffic, manage to pull over my car on the side and call for roadside assistance without my pulse increasing even 1 beat per minute.
That actually happened. And when it did, I realized that none of the world's minor inconveniences or everyday worries would ever be able to affect me again. I'd survived some of the worst blows possible. Nothing could destroy me at this point. And there is some kind of strange relief that comes with knowing that. I'm more resilient and strong and flexible than I ever imagined. And what's even crazier- I've learned that most of it comes from within.
Obviously, it's amazing to have a terrific support system. And I am forever grateful to my friends who have pulled me through this nightmare. But I also realize that YOU are tough enough in your own core to pick yourself up and carry on. Through whatever challenges and battles and heartaches life throws your way. Because it will.
I thought my life was perfect. And for a moment in time, it was. I had everything I'd ever hoped for. The only problem was that lying just around the corner, in the dark shadows I was unaware of, lied a series of terrible misfortunes that have wrecked the existence that I just recently loved so much.
People will betray you. Even a person you have loved over half of your life and shared children with. And sometimes it will come in a way more shocking than what you ever could have imagined. People will die. And they don't necessarily spread their departures out pleasantly to allow you time to grieve and heal. It can literally happen within months. My parents died 4 months apart.
And all of this sounds super gloomy and sad, except my entire message is to say that better times are coming. I'm at rock bottom. This is what despair and sadness and loneliness feels like. But I KNOW this is not it. I'm destined for greater things and happier days. So hang in there. Today can be really ridiculously hard, but you have no idea what treasures await you tomorrow.
Hi Amber. I was a reader of your infertility blog back in the day when I was going through the same thing (I was The Impatient Optimist at that time). Most of the blogs I followed at that time are now inactive and have been for many years (mine included). But there are some people - like you - who felt important to me during that time and who have stuck with me as a result. I often wonder what they are doing now, and have kept their blogs on my reader list just in case they ever post again. And here you are!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that life has been so very difficult for you in the last few years... I cannot truly imagine the trauma. But I think it's great that you are writing again as a way to process and move forward. Welcome back to your safe space.