Smiling Through the Rain

I was driving home the other day and it occurred to me that we'll possibly be doing IVF in about 3-5 months depending on the outcome of this surgery and the 0.0001% chance that I'll just get pregnant on my own in the next few months. (Rolling your eyes and laughing would be appropriate responses.) And I realized that although I'm dealing with the concept of IVF somewhat better, I apparently have a bit of a sentimental feeling towards our potential embryos. Didn't see that coming... Reason I know that I'm "attached" to the hypothetical embryos is that I was thinking I would want to see them under microscope before they inserted them. They would be little Amber/Aaron cells. And I guess that means I would already consider them a baby. Uh-oh. Which I had not considered when they were someone else's embryos. Then they're just cells dividing. Now, don't get all worried that I'm going to implant ALL of them just to see what happens. I'm no...

Buckle your seatbelts, friends. I'm having that rare feeling where I want to say nice things. Doesn't happen often, so try to soak it up. The regular Amber will return and I'll be making fun of you all again in the next breath. I just got to thinking today (my Wednesday activity) about how many things I have to be thankful for. Seems like all I do is whine about how poor ol' me has to deal with this infertility business. Let's face it- it's not fun, but it could be worse. And the reason it isn't that bad is because I have the most awesome support system ever!!! So I'd like to take a moment to point out the things I have been blessed with. Dr. Haas - what an incredible doctor. Not only is he a genius at what he does, he has shown compassion, kindness, and dedication to us for the past 9 months. He held my hand and comforted me before surgery, he called me and visited me a ton while I was in the hospital, and he has led us through this by giving us the kno...

The other day while me and Aaron were waiting for my doc to come in to talk with us, we had a moment to survey the room and apparently way too much time to think. I've always noticed that they always have an ample supply of tampons and pads in the restroom and exam rooms for patients to use if needed. Which I totally wouldn't need if I could just get pregnant already. So we made a comment about how we could try to make our money back by " borrowing " all of the free stuff at the clinic. Not quite sure how much we can re-sell these items for, but we're going to start stocking up on tampons, pads, rubber gloves, K-Y Jelly, condoms (used on the ultrasound probe), etc. Brilliant plan. We're going to raise the money we need for IVF in no time if we keep up the smart thinking. Stealing our way to a baby. That's got to bring good luck! (For my sarcasm naive friends, I'm totally kidding. Unfortunately, there isn't a font to show wittiness.)

We met with Dr. Haas today to talk about our family planning. I can't remember a time when we didn't include a third person in this private process. :) Oh, and all of you faithful readers! Our discussion went as I expected. He agrees that surgery would probably be a worthwhile step for us to take for Aaron. He's not as sure that it will change things as I was hoping, but still thought it was possible. (The urologist gives it a 70-80% chance of success.) He gave us 4 options: 1.) Do 3 more IUI's with clomid. 2.) Use a sperm donor and do IUI. 3.) Have Aaron do surgery and then wait 3 months. 4.) Move on to IVF. I was looking for an option 5- do nothing and get pregnant. Apparently we weren't on the same page... So, surgery is scheduled for September 3rd. It will take at least 3 months to begin to see the improvement in counts. So, we'll wait... Which for me means no charts, no medications (except my metformin three times a day), and no doctor...

We have a consult with my doc tomorrow to discuss the plan from here. I'm really anxious to see what he has to say. Biggest reason for going is that I want to make sure he's confident enough in my ability to get pregnant to justify Aaron having surgery. I kinda like the guy. Don't really want to see him in pain. At least not most days. :) I'd actually like to propose that we nominate one month a year as "non-baby" month. No one should be able to announce a pregnancy, have a baby shower, deliver a baby, etc, in this month. Babies R Us would be closed and Target would remove all of the adorable baby crap. It would be such a welcome break from it all, knowing that you won't be surprised by the "happy news" of others. For example, a drug rep came into work today and proudly told me that his wife is expecting. He might as well have punched me in the stomach and loudly mocked my inability to have a baby. It seemed like a personal attack. ...

It's been one of those months where I found out that 95% of the female population is pregnant. And once again, I didn't make the list. I'm grateful that I went into this blindly optimistic. I'm glad that I had no idea how much time it would take and how much disappointment it would bring. Maybe I should be glad that I don't know what the future will hold, so that I can't dread it and so that I may keep that little glimmer of hope. We possibly had a faintly positive pregnancy test last weekend. Neither of us said much about it. I never even felt excited. It never crossed my mind that it could be truly positive. And my period the next day proved it. I realized that even a positive test would just be one of many hurdles. Pregnancy isn't even a sure path to a baby. I have several friends who have suffered devastating miscarriages who prove that. It's been a long, winding road with plenty of road blocks and detours along the way. We're hangi...

It's been a crazy week for us. Work has been super busy which I always expect when I get back from vacation. But my patients were extra "special" this week which makes for an even longer week than usual. I sat in patient rooms watching the clock tick off seconds... Also, Aaron found out this week that he has a varicocele which is a common cause of male infertility. Bad news is that it adversely affects his counts. Good news is that it is fixable. Bad news is that surgery is the best option. It kinda changes everything for us from here as far as I'm concerned. If we can get those counts up, our chances increase a ton. I'll be calling Dr. Haas to make a consult appointment so we can discuss our latest discovery. Not sure what he'll suggest we do, but I trust him to guide us in the right direction. Great news about Baby Kate: she was extubated this morning (removed the breathing tube) and she is doing well. They will be keeping her in the hospital u...

We had an awesome time with our friends in Playa del Carmen. The resort was really pretty and the food was incredible. Our favorite was the chinese food/sushi. We ate there 4 times... Obviously food is my favorite part of a trip. Now I'm eating the normal amount of food and I think I'm starving to death... We're already trying to plan another vacation. It's definitely what keeps me going. Some people like to shop for clothes, buy jewelry, buy new cars, etc. I like to travel. I'm able to leave most of life's stresses and inconveniences behind and just relax. And it's great because Aaron and I get a chance to just hang out without having tons of responsibilities. (Bad part of working in the medical field.) I even stopped taking my fertility medications and temperature while we were there, which was a great break! (Shhh...don't tell Aaron.) So, here's some pictures...

I don't have long to post right now, but I wanted to let everyone know that we are home from our vacation. It was a lot of fun and we are so glad we got to spend a week with our closest friends, but it's so hard to come home. We did lots of fun stuff- we snorkeled in Cozumel, swam with sea turtles in Riviera Maya, and shopped on 5th Avenue. We ate tons of great food and I got my fair share of yummy mango margaritas. I actually weigh 5 more pounds than when we left. Not kidding! For those wondering about my whole baby process, I did ovulate this month so I should be starting this week. (I've given up on the whole, maybe I won't start idea.) Then we'll do another cycle of IUI with the HCG trigger shot. But this time I'll be taking clomid to hopefully boost the process a little. Can't really hurt, can it? I'll post pictures either tomorrow or Wednesday and talk more...

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to be gone on vacation for a week. No updates, no posts, no comments from me. Hang in there, people, it'll be over before you know it. We're going to Playa del Carmen, Mexico with 4 of our closest friends for a week of fun. We see two of them a lot since they live close by but we haven't spent much time with the other 2 in way too long. So we are super excited about seeing our friends and escaping the craziness for a while. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories when I get back, plus I have a camera again so I can post pictures. YAY!!! Hope you all have a great week.