Smiling Through the Rain

Aaron, me and both our moms went to see New Moon last night. I read the books and always preferred Jacob. It never made any sense to me why Bella would choose Edward. He just seemed so gloomy and serious all the time, while Jacob was fun and kind. However, I solidified my die-hard Jacob status last night watching the movie. Mmmm...mmm....mmmmm. I mean, really , how in the world would you not pick Jacob? Look at him! I can't even give a fair opinion of the movie due to my ridiculous fascination with this guy. I know there are lots of Edward fans out there, but I just can't see the competition... *Note: I was not informed of his underage status until after the movie. Plus, I think any 17- year-old who looks this good is no longer covered under child protective services . Correct me if I'm wrong. *

It may not have been easy, but it could have been worse. The tour of Thanksgiving dinners was survived... We start at my dad's side of the family who live in the country. It's always full of people since I have 13 cousins on that side. My dad was actually there this year and on good behavior which is a rare occasion. The family played horseshoes, checked out Grandpa's new chickens (not kidding), and of course ate turkey. Then we moved on to my mom's side of the family. She was an only child and my grandparents have passed away, so now it's just her aunt, uncle and cousin. My cousin has a 1-year-old so we were able to spend some time with him. At house #2, we discussed how my uncle shot the turkey in the back and we were even shown pictures of the poor turkey we were eating. By this point I am getting extremely full and tired of turkey. House #3: Aaron's family. By far the classiest house we go to on Thanksgiving, we even use china. (The other two house...

Got the "lovely" chance to meet a perfectly nice, new patient today and refer her to an OB since she's 11 weeks pregnant with a perfect baby. Good for her. No really, I am so glad that it only took her 1 month to get pregnant with her 3rd flippin' baby. And that she is "trying" for a boy this time. Thank goooooodness she survived such an ordeal... The holidays are not exactly bringing out the sunshine in me. In fact, I'm having a complete meltdown. I've cried twice this week which is more than I cry some years. And you know what crying does besides making my eyes puffy and my nose run? It makes me mad. I miss my baby. I miss my pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, one of the first things I did was figure out how far along I would be at Thanksgiving. I was about 14 weeks wrong, it turns out. So now what I am is angry. And empty. At a time when I thought I would be so excited. We'd be in the 2nd trimester. We'd be well on our way to m...

Aaron called me on my way to work this morning to ask me if I knew what day it was. This is when sheer panic sets in. The only times I get asked this question is when I've forgotten something pretty huge, like my mom's birthday. (It only happened once and I will NEVER make that mistake again...) And then I realize... November 23rd. The day we became a couple 11 years ago. Wow, 11 years... I had driven up to Stillwater to have dinner with him that night during our 1st year of college. (I moved to Stillwater for my 2nd year to join him.) At this point, most would have thought I was crazy to follow a boy across the state to attend a college I had never considered. But it was the best and most important decision of my whole life. Crazy looking back now at how simple and uncomplicated things were. We were just 18-year-old kids with our whole lives ahead of us. I'm so glad we didn't know then that combined we'd be a reproductive nightmare... What I also didn't see a...

Anyone who knows Aaron and I would say that we are pretty much as different as we can be in many areas. He is more on the quiet side, while I like to tell my business to anyone willing to listen. (Thus, the blog began...) He's very determined and hard-working, while I'm more on the lazy side and will do anything to sneak a nap in. The list could continue forever and you all are free to add your own thoughts in the comment section, but I thought I'd show you two pictures to demonstrate what I mean. I went in to our bedroom the other night and discovered this on my side of the bed. Nope, the bed isn't made up, our decorative pillows are shoved under the bed, and I will guarantee that the dresser needs to be dusted, but notice the floor. Pretty empty, right? But then I made the fatal error of looking on Aaron's side of the bed. And this is what I found: The kicker here is that this is frequently what his side looks like. And those clothes on the bed and floo...

The mall was literally swarming with all things baby tonight. We go to do some unneccessary shopping (retail therapy, as I call it) and I lost count of all the baby bumps, adorable children, and newborns that we saw. It was like women were trying to hit me with their sweet little bellies or run me over with their cutesy strollers or kill me with their picture-perfect families. I get it, people. You can ALL have children and I can't. I just went to the mall to escape!!! It's swine flu season for goodness sake! Did they not get the memo about keeping their babies away from crowds??? Pottery Barn Kids nearly made me lose it. It's like that store is designed to rip me apart at the seams. I do fine with Motherhood Maternity. In fact, I like to joke about how their clothes are designed to make you look stupid when pregnant. But just allow me a glance in the direction of Pottery Barn Kids and I turn into this whimpery, pathetic soul. So, we're back at home. Safe ...

Yep, it's most certainly a period....feeling more like something that is trying to rip my intestines out of my hoo-ha at this point. My cramps are killer, my lower back hurts, I'm nauseated and I might be having some mood swings according to Aaron. (Although I feel like I'm being perfectly pleasant.) *We might need to insert a commercial here for some PMS medication.* So, we're now on Day 2. I'm excited about a new month and a new chance. I'm also worried that I am going to be a tad disappointed (aka: very pissed off) if I don't get pregnant already. So I know the stats are only about 20% get pregnant every month of trying. IF your normal. Which we are NOT . But a girl has to hope. No further news at this time. I will be in the bathtub with a lovely glass (possibly bottle) of wine watching TV, popping Midol like candy. Hope everyone is having a lovely evening!!!

For those who somehow do not enjoy posts about my cycles, please return next time for more pleasant subject matter. Otherwise, feel free to read on... I think I might be starting my period tonight!!! I had one 2 weeks after my D&C which my OB/GYN thought was a bit too early. But now, 28 days later, I am spotting and cramping. It's a little different than usual for me since I'm used to starting first thing in the morning and it's heavier than this. But things might not be the same for a while... Point is, I'm excited than I'm having normal cycles again!!! I've been terrified than I wouldn't ovulate on my own anymore and then I'd be back at square one with those nasty progesterone shots... Thank you ovarian drilling! Several weeks ago, I had a patient come in to the clinic to see me for bleeding during pregnancy. She was a younger girl who didn't plan a pregnancy, but was concerned due to excessive bleeding at 12 weeks gestation. I did a ...

This is my 100 th post on here. I was really hoping it could be something exciting, but I don't have too much to report right now. Just waiting for my 1st real period following my D&C which should arrive early next week. And then we're back to trying... I can't believe I've actually come up with enough to say that I've posted 100 times. I also can't believe that I've had over 10,000 hits to my site or that I have 44 followers now. I feel so incredibly privileged that 44 people actually think that what I write is worth reading... my English teachers would have been so proud. :) This blog was started for simple fun. I thought maybe somebody will read it and maybe even a couple would think it was entertaining. I mainly did it for myself. It feels great to put your feelings down on "paper" and even better to find out that others have felt that way too. What I've found out is that I can't wait to get home to check my comments others have l...

Seriously, I've never been well-endowed. But I was okay with my properly proportioned breasts before. When I got pregnant, "the girls" immediately became much more voluptuous. Kind of like Lynette on Desperate Housewives. Except hers are obviously not really bigger and I didn't wear low-cut shirts all the time to display them. (Which I now regret considering they are gone .) But about 3 days after my D&C, they disappeared. Which sucked. But I thought, well I can live with what I had before. Today, however, I feel like they have nearly disappeared. If things continue at this pace, I won't need to wear a bra by Christmas. I'll just be placing band-aids strategically, especially in cold weather. Great for comfort, not for curves. And they are no longer the same size. I had no idea that my left breast was so unhappy and so quick to bail on me. You can't give a girl a nice instant boob job and then just take it all away along with her pregnancy. I felt lik...

I have never in my life seen a siamese twin strawberry, but I had two in the batch I ate this evening. They tasted delicious, but Aaron questioned the hormones or chemicals used that created such a defect. Uh-oh. What if this affects my fertility??? Maybe I'll grow 100 cysts on each ovary, have high amounts of male hormones, and fail to ovulate unless someone drills 10 holes in each ovary with a laser. (For those who don't know, I'm kidding. Totally already had all of those things happen.) So, I joyfully ate the strawberries. Heck, maybe it'll fix something in there. At this point, pretty sure it isn't going to hurt. :)

We're friends, right? I can totally tell you girls (and some guys who wish to remain private readers because it's apparently embarrassing to read an infertility blog) anything on my mind, can't I? If your answer was "no way" or "I'm not quite comfortable with that", you should probably stop reading now. For the true friends, here goes... So, a realization slammed into me like a mack truck yesterday. When my grandma, cousin, then friend of the family all walked up to me at the funeral and asked when "the little one is due", I had the fleeting idea of answering as if the miscarriage hadn't really happened. I actually wanted to just pretend things are fine, tell them May 22nd was the big day, smile like the proudest expectant mother and maybe even rub my belly for good measure. But that's crazy talk. What in the world is wrong with you, insane girl? Don't worry about me, it's just the infertility talking. You just get...

Today was Kate's memorial service which, of course, was incredibly heart-breaking. Seeing a tiny little casket is completely surreal. Knowing that we will never see her again is hard to imagine. I am glad she will never have to suffer. And I am so thankful that she was brought into our lives. Never will a little one mean so much to me and make such a huge impact in such a short amount of time. Many of our family and friends were there. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. I realized a very important lesson. News of a pregnancy travels like wildfire. News of a miscarriage does not. I can't tell you how many times I was asked today about when I'm due, or congratulated on our baby. And this isn't the first time this has happened. My neighbors congratulated me on Halloween night. And it's so sad to watch their faces go from happy to sad/embarrassed in seconds. They don't realize that I'm okay. Infertility has given me thick skin. They think that they just broke...

I've been trying to complete this post for 3 days now. It's so difficult that I'm going to keep it brief. My cousin, Amee, had identical twin girls on the 4th of July this year. While Marley is completely healthy, Kate was born with a major heart defect. She had open heart surgery at 10 days old and spent 2 months in the hospital. She has been home for the past month and we've been so fortunate to spend a lot of time with her and Marley. (We live about 2 minutes from them.) On Sunday, her heart suddenly stopped and she was taken from us. She was an incredible little girl with a beautiful smile and such a brave spirit. It was just more than she could take. I will never be able to thank my cousin enough for allowing me into Kate's life. She has a permanant place in my heart and will never be forgotten. I feel so much anger and sadness that she won't grow up with Marley. But I'm thankful that we were given the chance to know her and that she won't have to e...