Amber and Aaron

Amber and Aaron

The Fun We've Already Had...

  • Graham Tomas born July 31 at 5:04 P.M. weighing 8 lbs, 12 oz.
  • December 2, 2011: PREGNANT!!!
  • Paisley Kate arrived August 21 at 5:38 P.M. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz
  • DUE DATE: August 25, 2010!!!
  • Dec. 14, 2009- PREGNANT!!!
  • Oct. 07,2009- Had elective D&C.
  • Sept 28, 2009- No embryo on ultrasound. :(
  • Sept 15th, 2009- We found out we're PREGNANT!!!
  • Sept '09- Aaron had varicocele repair.
  • July '09- IUI #1 with HCG shot= No such luck
  • April '09- Ovarian drilling surgery, followed by hospitalization for uterine infection
  • Jan-Mar '09- metformin + 3 rounds of clomid= no ovulation
  • Dec. 11, 2008- Hysterosalpingogram (Fancy word for shooting dye through the ovaries. OUCH)
  • Nov '08- Sent to RE. Tried metformin alone for two months (No ovulation)
  • Oct '08- Diagnosed with PCOS based on amenorrhea and crazy hormone levels.
  • June '08- Aaron convinced me to start trying.
  • June '04- Got Hitched!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thankful? Not so much...

Got the "lovely" chance to meet a perfectly nice, new patient today and refer her to an OB since she's 11 weeks pregnant with a perfect baby. Good for her. No really, I am so glad that it only took her 1 month to get pregnant with her 3rd flippin' baby. And that she is "trying" for a boy this time. Thank goooooodness she survived such an ordeal...

The holidays are not exactly bringing out the sunshine in me. In fact, I'm having a complete meltdown. I've cried twice this week which is more than I cry some years. And you know what crying does besides making my eyes puffy and my nose run? It makes me mad.

I miss my baby. I miss my pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, one of the first things I did was figure out how far along I would be at Thanksgiving. I was about 14 weeks wrong, it turns out. So now what I am is angry. And empty. At a time when I thought I would be so excited. We'd be in the 2nd trimester. We'd be well on our way to meeting our baby. All the should-have-beens keep rolling through my mind.

This has turned out to be a lot harder than I expected. I read somewhere than women who have struggled to get pregnant have a tougher time dealing with a miscarriage. This is not to say it isn't always hard. But when you've been waiting on this baby for so long and have been through so much already, it's extra tough. We wanted this so much.

Suddenly it seems like everyone else is getting pregnant. Like 90% of the female population. And I can't help but wonder why not me? Why do they get to keep their babies and I had to lose mine? Why are they posting belly pics and ultrasound photos and I'm still dealing with infertility? And why do they always have to be everywhere that I am???

The road isn't fair and there are NO good answers. I get that. If there is one thing I've learned through this, it's that every single story is very unique. Every ending is different. And every journey varies in distance, direction and speed. And all that I really want is to know that at some point, we will bring home a baby. But no one can guarantee that.

Tomorrow will be one year since we first walked in to the fertility clinic. I remember how scared and excited and hopeful I felt. I remember thinking that I didn't really belong there. At some point, they'd realize there was a mistake. I was fine... I remember when he told me I had PCOS and what our treatment plan was. Things were so different then. I believed in my heart that I would soon be pregnant. And I never thought I'd be one of those girls who had trouble or who lost a pregnancy. But here we are. And it sucks. Plain and simple- the whole thing sucks. And right now, I'm just not okay with it.

* Good news of the day: Aaron entered a weight loss challenge at our gym and worked his tush off for the past 6 weeks. We just found out that he lost the biggest % of body fat of the 20 participants so he gets $400.00!!! I'm so proud of him!!! *

6 comments:

  1. You have every right to be angry. It is not fair. I'm so sorry for all you've been through and are still going through.

    WTG on the weight loss challenge! Very cool!

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  2. *hugs* I've gone through many of the same emotions. I'm sorry your having a hard time today *hugs*

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  3. I just got off the phone with Aaron, wanted to let you all know we will be thinking of you tomorrow. I remember how hard thanksgiving was for me last year with all the baby questions. We love you. Hang in there and call if you need to talk or cry!Go do some Black Friday shopping to celebrate surviving Thanksgiving!

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  4. Congratulations to Aaron! And you, Amber, I am so sorry for your sadness, but I get it too.
    It is hard to be somewhere so different from where we imagined.

    I wish I lived in a land where sex could mean pregnancy and two lines might mean a baby. IF land sucks rocks.

    wishing you the best,
    Kate

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  5. IF sucks, sucks, sucks and sometimes anger is the only way to get through the day. And holidays just make everything worse.

    Thinking of you.

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  6. DUDE! It totally seems like 90% of the population is preggo. Even most of the IF bloggers I read are now pregnant (although I must say I feel much better about them being pregnant than I do about people who have been "trying" for a whole month......at least I get to feel happy for SOMEONE!). I'm with you on the anger part of the holidays this year. I have THREE pregant sisters (one is mine and 2 are DH's) right now, so Christmas is really gonna suck a big one. :( And I can't even blog about it because they ALL READ!!!! ARGGGG!

    Maybe we can both hang in there......

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