We all have them and many are the same. Fears that are too painful to confront. We all just push them into a small dark corner of our mind and try our hardest to forget they exist. We strive to believe that they can't happen to us. These happen to people we don't know in places we've never been. Far, far away from our own safe, little life.
For me, the day I decided I wanted a baby was also the day that these fears became overwhelming and powerful. There were times while dealing with infertility that the fear of never having a child controlled every bit of my soul. Then during my 2nd pregnancy, I was terrified that we would lose this baby just like we had the first. The thought of dealing with another loss was excruciating.
Later, after being blessed with my two babies, it was worry over their health and safety. Mostly my kids have been super healthy kids and I am so fortunate for that. But it doesn't stop me from worrying that they are masking an underlying ailment or disease, or that someone could harm them, or that they could be involved in an accident. Those thoughts paralyze me.
Paisley gave us such a scare when she had a seizure in Las Vegas. Even with my medical degree, I could not detect that she was experiencing a seizure nor decide what to do to help with the situation. Watching your little baby turn completely pale with blue lips and go limp and unresponsive is terrifying. My mind shut down and my body wouldn't move. I know I called 911 and I remember at some point seeing her start seizing, but it doesn't even seem real. At last, we were in an ambulance and my fatigued child was draped across my chest on the gurney. What if that had been more than a febrile seizure? What if it had been the presenting symptom of something more serious?
With Graham, I awoke to find him running a terribly high fever and panting. He had cried out several times overnight in pain and had been very sensitive to light the day before. Again my medical training failed me and I ignored warning signs of meningitis. The drive to the ER with him was mind numbingly long. I was so scared that he would stop breathing in his seat. We watched our 4 day old baby endure two spinal taps, multiple attempts at starting an IV, countless injections and X-rays and lab studies. What if his tiny body hadn't been strong enough to fight the infection?
I reminisce about these two occurrences to say that there are people out there who deal with these things every day. I have friends who have lost babies. I know others who will. My own cousin's baby died from a heart defect at 4 months the same day we had babysat her for several hours.
We knew she was sick. But that day she was fine. She seemed happy and peaceful and beautiful as always. We held her and loved on her. I remember staring at her sweet face and wondering how something so perfect could be so sick. And then she was gone a few hours later. I've never felt such an unfair loss and it still haunts me that we couldn't keep her here with us. Every time I see her now 3 year old twin, I think of what she would now be doing.
Being a parent means having your heart exposed to the world. These two little people mean more to me than my own life. And knowing people who deal with terminal illness and death in their own babies makes it more palpable for me. I try to soak in every single moment because we truly are beyond lucky for THIS day.
For me, the day I decided I wanted a baby was also the day that these fears became overwhelming and powerful. There were times while dealing with infertility that the fear of never having a child controlled every bit of my soul. Then during my 2nd pregnancy, I was terrified that we would lose this baby just like we had the first. The thought of dealing with another loss was excruciating.
Later, after being blessed with my two babies, it was worry over their health and safety. Mostly my kids have been super healthy kids and I am so fortunate for that. But it doesn't stop me from worrying that they are masking an underlying ailment or disease, or that someone could harm them, or that they could be involved in an accident. Those thoughts paralyze me.
Paisley gave us such a scare when she had a seizure in Las Vegas. Even with my medical degree, I could not detect that she was experiencing a seizure nor decide what to do to help with the situation. Watching your little baby turn completely pale with blue lips and go limp and unresponsive is terrifying. My mind shut down and my body wouldn't move. I know I called 911 and I remember at some point seeing her start seizing, but it doesn't even seem real. At last, we were in an ambulance and my fatigued child was draped across my chest on the gurney. What if that had been more than a febrile seizure? What if it had been the presenting symptom of something more serious?
With Graham, I awoke to find him running a terribly high fever and panting. He had cried out several times overnight in pain and had been very sensitive to light the day before. Again my medical training failed me and I ignored warning signs of meningitis. The drive to the ER with him was mind numbingly long. I was so scared that he would stop breathing in his seat. We watched our 4 day old baby endure two spinal taps, multiple attempts at starting an IV, countless injections and X-rays and lab studies. What if his tiny body hadn't been strong enough to fight the infection?
I reminisce about these two occurrences to say that there are people out there who deal with these things every day. I have friends who have lost babies. I know others who will. My own cousin's baby died from a heart defect at 4 months the same day we had babysat her for several hours.
We knew she was sick. But that day she was fine. She seemed happy and peaceful and beautiful as always. We held her and loved on her. I remember staring at her sweet face and wondering how something so perfect could be so sick. And then she was gone a few hours later. I've never felt such an unfair loss and it still haunts me that we couldn't keep her here with us. Every time I see her now 3 year old twin, I think of what she would now be doing.
Being a parent means having your heart exposed to the world. These two little people mean more to me than my own life. And knowing people who deal with terminal illness and death in their own babies makes it more palpable for me. I try to soak in every single moment because we truly are beyond lucky for THIS day.
So true, It must be all the more real to you, as you have actually experienced true scares. I am sooo grateful the worst thing we have had is reoccurring ear infections.
ReplyDeleteThat is terrifying, so much so that I can't watch or read stories about the death, disease or criminal acts involving kids.
Oh sweetie, hugs. The seizure thing- terrifying. The most scared I have EVER been was Grayson's first seizure. I was positive he was dying in my arms. I think in some ways, dealing with healthy kids is scarier than sick ones. At least with Grayson, I know what's coming. I look at Charlotte and am terrified to think about all the unknowns- what could happen to her. Raising kids is hard- and scary- no matter what situation you are in.
ReplyDeleteSeizure???! How did I miss this???? OMG..how scary. My friend's 13 month old just had a febrile seizure and she said it was terrifying. I am constantly always thinking of the what if's. And I also have a horrible fear of me not being here for her..something happening..and her being without me :( The thought crushes me. I also have a crazy extreme fear of her being kidnapped :(
ReplyDeleteI needed this post today. We are in a difficult position in our next adoption and the fear of what may happen with this Agency is literally got me into a crippling life-altering fear. It's sucking the life out of me and brining into mind painful past times with struggling to become a family.
ReplyDeleteI am so with you. I just read stories, see sadness, and wonder how anyone is supposed to survive it all? I don't know if I could be strong enough. It is so true what they say about our children being our hearts walking outside of our bodies - so vulnerable. One bad thing happening to them and I would be done, just done. I can't handle it! Do you remember the post I had about the dream? I just couldn't believe how deeply affected I was by even a dream about losing one or both of them. I can't believe how vulnerable I have become. You are right, THIS day is a gift!
ReplyDeleteI have to stop myself from thinking of worst-possible-scenarios all the time. Sometimes I have to turn off the news or a movie. It's immobilizing. Troy is better at it than me.
ReplyDelete