Smiling Through the Rain

 So here we are.  It's now a blog graveyard.  The followers have long since moved on and infertility is something that I've somewhat put in the past (only considering I don't want any more kids).  So why am I here and writing again?  What's the purpose?   This was my safe place.  It was where I came when everything seemed much too hard and I needed to feel comfort.  I wanted to express myself in a venue that others would reassure me and even understand me.  I still love and have always loved this blog.  It guided me during some of the hardest years of my life, dealing with infertility and miscarriage. And you know... I guess it will help me again now.  Because life is freaking TOUGH.  You know the phrase "I've went through Hell and back"?  Yeah, I feel that in my soul now.  I could have a blowout in the middle lane of the highway during rush hour traffic, manage to pull over my car on the side and call for roadsi...

Many mornings, I have actually felt a tear roll down my cheek before I even manage to pry my eyes open.  That is never a good sign for how the day will then progress.  I've learned that grief comes and goes in brutal, unpredictable waves.  The stretches of "good" days has definitely gotten longer with every passing day and I start feeling confident that I have things under control.   And then... BAM.  The sadness and anxiety hits me like a train and I may spend a day merely surviving. This has all taught me a ton about self-care.  I have to be extra mindful to get my sleep, rest when my body and mind are screaming at me to do so, and avoid any stressful situations as best as I can.  Because grief is EXHAUSTING.  When I say that, I mean it feels similar to the worst flu you've ever had as far as the fatigue goes.  I will literally have to lay down and often even sleep to manage the overwhelming sensations it brings.   What has r...

 Once you've heard a bit about what I've been doing the past 2 years, you might better understand why my blog went unattended.  So, in a nutshell: I was living my perfect life.  I'd been married for 15 years to the best guy I knew, finally had the two kids I had struggled so hard to have, and was living in my "forever" home on the most beautiful land.  It was good.   And then it absolutely came crashing down.  I found out that my marriage wasn't at all stable anymore, and that one of us (him) had essentially checked out without notifying the other (me).  It was absolutely devastating.  I left home with the kids for a few weeks to gather my thoughts and feel like I was in a place where I could mourn the loss of a relationship I had long cherished.  I was certain I would grow old with this person.  Obviously, I learned a whole lot about how much someone can change and that no one can truly be completely trusted. Things were tough from...