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Stupid infertility

One of those days just happened. You know the ones. Everything should be fine, but inside you're just a mess. No real good reason, nothing to blame it on, no one to yell at. Just a battle within. And I'm losing.

I guess it's mostly just that I'm tired of infertility. Kinda feels like it has conquered me lately. I try to keep control of the situation, but after 19 months of ups and downs, that gets hard. Loneliness and hopelessness settle in, and hope and positivity pack their bags. We'll get back there again. I just need a little time. I'm not sure what I need time for, or if it would really even help. But it sounds good.

Stupid holiday season is what's doing this. I wouldn't even put up a tree this year because we should be putting our child's gifts under this year's tree. And we're not. We could have a million gifts and it would still seem empty because in my heart I know what's mising. So I don't want a dumb tree to remind me of the losses we've had this year or the struggles we've faced. One day we'll look back and it will all be worth it. But until then, I'm trying to ignore my infertility and all the baggage that comes with it. Because frankly, it's really getting on my nerves.

Comments

  1. JDecember 17, 2009 at 10:54 PM

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. I wish you weren't hurting...I wish infertility didn't exist! I'm praying that 2010 brings you 10 toes and 10 fingers!

    Last year was a blur...I couldn't even tell you what I did for Christmas.
    I could not put up a tree last year. It broke my heart knowing that I should have had a toddler, a baby and be pregnant! Our tree would have been filled with their gifts...sigh, I'm sorry love, I know exactly how you feel.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LinDecember 18, 2009 at 8:42 AM

    I COMPLETELY know the feeling...having one of those days/weeks here, too! (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  3. EmilyDecember 18, 2009 at 10:13 AM

    Honey...I COMPLETELY know what you are feeling. I just did a blog like this one a few days ago. The holidays just plain suck when the one gift you want, no one can give you. I pray that you get your miracle soon!! Stay positive and focus on the now. Enjoy every minute you have with DH this holiday season. I know for me...it's the only thing that is going to get me through!

    Here's my blog on the same feelings: http://emilymorrisfoster.blogspot.com/2009/12/coming-apart-at-seams.html

    ReplyDelete
  4. PriscillaDecember 18, 2009 at 11:36 AM

    Amber: I'm so sorry your feeling such pain this holiday season!! ((Hugs)) I have hated so many holidays in the past!! I hope you start feeling better soon!!! Just drink a lot of wine...thats what I did!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnnaDecember 18, 2009 at 3:57 PM

    Yes, feeling that way too. I have cried over IF every single day for 6 days. I have nothing to look forward to this year. I thought we would have a baby by now. I find myself dwelling on the fear that we still might not have a baby by this time next year. It is so unfair.

    ReplyDelete

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