Amber and Aaron

Amber and Aaron

The Fun We've Already Had...

  • Graham Tomas born July 31 at 5:04 P.M. weighing 8 lbs, 12 oz.
  • December 2, 2011: PREGNANT!!!
  • Paisley Kate arrived August 21 at 5:38 P.M. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz
  • DUE DATE: August 25, 2010!!!
  • Dec. 14, 2009- PREGNANT!!!
  • Oct. 07,2009- Had elective D&C.
  • Sept 28, 2009- No embryo on ultrasound. :(
  • Sept 15th, 2009- We found out we're PREGNANT!!!
  • Sept '09- Aaron had varicocele repair.
  • July '09- IUI #1 with HCG shot= No such luck
  • April '09- Ovarian drilling surgery, followed by hospitalization for uterine infection
  • Jan-Mar '09- metformin + 3 rounds of clomid= no ovulation
  • Dec. 11, 2008- Hysterosalpingogram (Fancy word for shooting dye through the ovaries. OUCH)
  • Nov '08- Sent to RE. Tried metformin alone for two months (No ovulation)
  • Oct '08- Diagnosed with PCOS based on amenorrhea and crazy hormone levels.
  • June '08- Aaron convinced me to start trying.
  • June '04- Got Hitched!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Black Sheep

My Grandpa's funeral was yesterday morning and for the most part, it was peaceful.  I have 15 cousins so it is a LARGE family with lots of people who dearly miss this man.  He had 5 children (1 is deceased), 15 grandkids, and 16 great-grandkids.   Not to mention his wife of 55 years (my Grandma).

My half-brother gave the speech at the funeral and did an amazing job describing my Grandpa and how wonderful he was.   He is serving in the Marines so he looked great in his dress blues and we were so proud of him.  

We all went to their house afterwards which was difficult of course, but my Grandma enjoyed everyone being around so much that she requested we do another cookout today out there.  So we are.  Even though the house seems empty without him there.

The only true black cloud surrounding yesterday was my "father".  I put it in quotations because I never call him that.  I call him by his first name, which I don't want to put on my blog.  So let's call him "Black Sheep" since that is his role in my family. 

We've always had a rocky relationship.  My mom divorced him when I was less than 1, so I wasn't raised by him at all.  He gave up visitation with me and never paid a dime of child support.  My mom kept a close relationship with his parents and siblings, however, so I saw them all the time.  In fact, she hasn't ever missed a holiday or birthday at their house.  And my grandparents have always considered her one of their kids.  Wonderful situation and I'm grateful to my mom for being such a great person.

Anyways, he has been on and off with the family forever.  Sometimes he shows up and acts decent, other times he's been ran off for acting out of control.  The police have even been called.   It's always best when he just fails to show up at all.  He hadn't met Paisley until the night Grandpa went into the hospital and if we could have avoided it, we would have.

When I was young, I used to feel hopeful when he'd call me and want to get together.  But time and time again, he let me down.  And eventually, I stopped caring and shut him out of my life.  Several months ago, my Grandpa shut him out too.  He just couldn't take anymore and banned him from their house.  We had several conversations about it and I agreed with the decision entirely.

Well, "Black Sheep" and his wife were there yesterday.  She kept urging me to talk to him because he needed me to comfort him.  And I just didn't care.  I lost a man who I respected greatly.  And I know he loved me too.  But I also know how much "Black Sheep" hurt him.  And that just makes me angry.  Angrier than any other time he's disappointed me. 

So, I'm feeling a bit confused right now.  Most of me says that he's a person who has only made bad decisions in life and I don't owe him anything.  He chose substance abuse and anger problems over his family and that won't ever change.  Then there's that teeny-tiny part of me that tries to hang on to a shred of hope and wants me to be the bigger person.  But I think this loss just permanently closed that miniscule part of my heart that was left for him to hurt.

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. It's hard when family doesn't act like family should.

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  2. Oh I can sort of relate, well not to that extreme, but there have been time with my father where I try to forget things and be the bigger person. But its just so hard. I dont blame you for wanted to avoid him meeting paisley. Doesnt sound like he deserves it. Anyways, Im so sorry about your grandpa:) Hope you are smiling over the memories you have with him :)

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  3. So sorry about your grandpa, I know he will be dearly missed. Here is my 2 cents because I, too, have a father who doesn't deserve that title. I cut him out for a few years, then allowed him to come to my wedding, slowly eased back into being in contact with him, and then he hurt me again. What I decided do to was to keep contact with him, but at a great distance. Because the distance protected MY heart. He's been more than happy to be on the sidelines, because that's the kind of "father" he is. I haven't seen him in years and he's never met my children. He sends e-cards for things and has sent gift cards for the babies when they were born. And that's it. It keeps me from feeling guilty for cutting him off, but safe from being hurt. It's my balance. I hope you can find some for you too, hun. I'm so glad Paisley and my kids have better daddies than you and I had:).

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss and I am sorry your "father" made it even more difficult ... I will pray for peace for you and for your family during this time.

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  5. I'm so sorry about your grandpa. He sounds like a kind and inspiring person. I'm so glad Paisley got to meet him. I am sending my thoughts to your family.

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  6. I'm so sorry, my friend. I lost my grandpa right before Davie was born. I'm so, so happy that although your father wasn't the man he should've been, your grandpa loved you completely. Your mother is amazing for developing those wonderful family ties despite all she must've gone through.

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