Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Lately I've been really stressed out as a mom. Both kids had fifth's disease which produced a nice rash all over both of them, but the worst part was the foul moods that appeared. We've now had two tough weeks of fits and mood swings. And I was lying in bed last night after fighting Paisley for an hour to go to bed, and a thought hit me like a freight train.
I don't hate being a mom. Trust me, I've felt worried that maybe this wasn't the right role for me. But then I figured it out I sometimes just resent that I'm not as good as I thought I'd be. I know my own mom was better. My expectations I had set for myself were just so much more than what I've actually managed.
I pictured myself as fun and productive and calmer and organized. The kids would have tidy little rooms and perfect schedules and cute activities. And maybe I should have known that none of that fits my personality, but a girl can dream...
What I'm living with currently is an almost 3 year old who has decided she HATES her brother 100% of the time and her mom about 75% of the time. The interesting twist here is that she is obsessively clingy towards me the other 25% of the time. She doesn't like the way I do anything and I feel tons of guilt about bringing her brother into the situation because I know I could do better if it were just her. She wouldn't have to share her toys or her time or her parents if she were an only.
I loved my life as an only child. I still don't wish I had siblings. :)
And then Graham. He is pictured in the dictionary under the phrase "mama's boy". He dotes on me all day long. He requires me to be touching him or holding him. I'm only nursing him twice a day now and it's going to take a nipple removal to completely wean him. And then I think he'll still try.
He is walking yet but is a fast crawler and cruises along everything in the house. Furniture, pets, people... And man, he wants so badly to play with his sister.
And I want so badly to not have to discipline my darling daughter all day. I don't want to end the day with her crying because she doesn't want to go to bed. And for goodness sake, is it too much to ask that the kids could just tolerate each other a bit better again?!?
They really are amazing kids and are so good much of the time. But the past two weeks are the kind that have led people into padded rooms or liquor stores. :)