Lately I've been really stressed out as a mom. Both kids had fifth's disease which produced a nice rash all over both of them, but the worst part was the foul moods that appeared. We've now had two tough weeks of fits and mood swings. And I was lying in bed last night after fighting Paisley for an hour to go to bed, and a thought hit me like a freight train.
I don't hate being a mom. Trust me, I've felt worried that maybe this wasn't the right role for me. But then I figured it out I sometimes just resent that I'm not as good as I thought I'd be. I know my own mom was better. My expectations I had set for myself were just so much more than what I've actually managed.
I pictured myself as fun and productive and calmer and organized. The kids would have tidy little rooms and perfect schedules and cute activities. And maybe I should have known that none of that fits my personality, but a girl can dream...
What I'm living with currently is an almost 3 year old who has decided she HATES her brother 100% of the time and her mom about 75% of the time. The interesting twist here is that she is obsessively clingy towards me the other 25% of the time. She doesn't like the way I do anything and I feel tons of guilt about bringing her brother into the situation because I know I could do better if it were just her. She wouldn't have to share her toys or her time or her parents if she were an only.
I loved my life as an only child. I still don't wish I had siblings. :)
And then Graham. He is pictured in the dictionary under the phrase "mama's boy". He dotes on me all day long. He requires me to be touching him or holding him. I'm only nursing him twice a day now and it's going to take a nipple removal to completely wean him. And then I think he'll still try.
He is walking yet but is a fast crawler and cruises along everything in the house. Furniture, pets, people... And man, he wants so badly to play with his sister.
And I want so badly to not have to discipline my darling daughter all day. I don't want to end the day with her crying because she doesn't want to go to bed. And for goodness sake, is it too much to ask that the kids could just tolerate each other a bit better again?!?
They really are amazing kids and are so good much of the time. But the past two weeks are the kind that have led people into padded rooms or liquor stores. :)
I feel the same way! I expected to be better at it. I really struggle to admit this is not a natural role for me. I do love it and Avery but its just not what I thought it would be.
ReplyDeleteI hope they get better soon!
DeleteUgh sorry to hear things have been so tough lately. You are a wonderful mom- sibling relationships are really tough, especially for little people who have no reasoning skills or emotional maturity. I hope this week is tons better, but if not, no one would blame you for hitting the liquor store :)
ReplyDeleteWe allll have weeks like that! This will pass but not before it takes a few years off your life! ;)
ReplyDeleteI feel like that as both a mom and a teacher. I never EVER feel like I'm doing enough for my child, let alone enough for the 23 (or more!) kids in my classroom that just have a rough life.
ReplyDeleteLook at your children - sure they act differently when they're sick, but most of the time you describe them as fun, independent, rambunctious, loving, happy children. It just doesn't get any better than that. So be reassured that your children will let you know if something is wrong. No part of my life matches the pictures in my head, so you know what I do? Change the darn photo album LOL (and/or go drink a bottle of red wine!!)
I think we all have weeks like this from time to time. I admit too that I thought I would be better at it and this something I've wanted since I was a little girl! It's what I wanted most in life and sometimes I am sucky at it haha I think we just have to cling to the good days to remind us that we are indeed doing a good job. I mean toddlers are TOUGH in general and babies are tough too! Keep your head up...the good days will be back around again! :)
ReplyDeleteYou know I have thought the same things. How did my mom manage to do it all. I don't ever remember (really) the frustrations. But I think that is just it. We don't remember. I'm willing to bet that it is like we have talked with pregnancy and how we think people just forget what it is like. We will probably do the same thing with this "phase" of life. It is damn hard!! ALL.DAY.EVERY.DAY! We feel like we have epic fail daily. But in reality we aren't failing. Our kids love and adore us more than anything. And we the same with them. What is sweeter than that. I come home every day so happy to see those beautiful smiling faces and laughs. Those soon turn into the same bedtime struggles. I end the day with asking them why this has to be so hard every night? And then go to bed feeling horrible because the last thing I said to them was stern not loving. From what I hear this is what we are in for for the rest of our lives. On days like these I try to constantly remind myself would I want the alternative? What if I went to bed without those sweet faces to kiss? Then life would be unfulfilled. Hang in there. I admire you so much for the mother you are!
ReplyDeleteOh girl, with a few switch ups, I could have written this! I honestly have said in my head recently, "I do NOT like being a mom!" Two 2 year olds is AWFUL a lot of the time - and in the rough days/weeks, it is just pure hell. Seriously. Talk about fighting and defying and melting down. Wow. But...today was one of the good days. And I adore them. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. But yeah, I have been in tears daily, wishing I could just walk away for just a little while. I hit my limit, big time. Anyway, what I Know is that this is the REAL motherhood that EVERY mom understands -I have moments of organized, cute activities, etc and I have even more moments of chaos and yelling and tears. That mom you imagined you would be is there -it's just not 100% of the time because that is not possible! It just isn't!!! Be kind to yourself. You are doing wonderfully and your children are amazing!
ReplyDelete