Amber and Aaron

Amber and Aaron

The Fun We've Already Had...

  • Graham Tomas born July 31 at 5:04 P.M. weighing 8 lbs, 12 oz.
  • December 2, 2011: PREGNANT!!!
  • Paisley Kate arrived August 21 at 5:38 P.M. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz
  • DUE DATE: August 25, 2010!!!
  • Dec. 14, 2009- PREGNANT!!!
  • Oct. 07,2009- Had elective D&C.
  • Sept 28, 2009- No embryo on ultrasound. :(
  • Sept 15th, 2009- We found out we're PREGNANT!!!
  • Sept '09- Aaron had varicocele repair.
  • July '09- IUI #1 with HCG shot= No such luck
  • April '09- Ovarian drilling surgery, followed by hospitalization for uterine infection
  • Jan-Mar '09- metformin + 3 rounds of clomid= no ovulation
  • Dec. 11, 2008- Hysterosalpingogram (Fancy word for shooting dye through the ovaries. OUCH)
  • Nov '08- Sent to RE. Tried metformin alone for two months (No ovulation)
  • Oct '08- Diagnosed with PCOS based on amenorrhea and crazy hormone levels.
  • June '08- Aaron convinced me to start trying.
  • June '04- Got Hitched!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Baby Numero Dos?

Even while I was pregnant with Paisley, I had already started contemplating having a 2nd child.  Which is crazy for several reasons.  1.)  I was huge pregnant during the HOT summer months.  2.) I grew up an only child and always thought I'd also want an only child.  3.) We'd actually started to think we'd never even have one, so 2 was crazy talk.

My pregnancy was such a great experience, and even her delivery wasn't too bad.  However, my first 6 weeks as a new mom were EXHAUSTING. I didn't get any sleep, and felt like I might just die from feeling overwhelmed.  I'm not quite sure if it's as bad with a 2nd child, or maybe if it's even worse.  And who knows if I might get a 2nd baby who actually does like to sleep more than a few hours a day.  And is willing to be put down every now and then (that's the sound of Paisley gasping in the background at the thought.)  But how could I manage with a toddler in the house?  And I know traveling would be easier with one.  And we can afford to do more with just her...

Then the other side of me says, I can't imagine never feeling a baby move inside of me again. Or watching my belly grow larger every week with a tiny human (rather than just too much food.)  I want to get out her newborn clothes again and put them on a new baby.  I'm not ready to sell her tiny baby things and move on to big girl stuff.  And maybe she'd be happier with a sibling.  I know I always wanted one when I was little.  Now I think the idea is ridiculous and realize how much more attention I got being an only!  *Side note: I came from a poor family though, so I didn't end up spoiled rotten with expensive stuff.  In fact, I've never owned a brand-name purse and have no desire to, frequently buy things only on sale/clearance, and own fewer hair products than my husband.*

Back to my point...  I want whatever is best for Paisley.  I don't want a new baby to steal my time from her.  She and I have developed an amazing relationship.  And yet I don't want her to be lonely either.  I grew up with 13 cousins so I felt like I had siblings.  She's the only kiddo on either side of the family.  My husband has 2 siblings and had a lot of fun growing up with them.

And the craziest part is that all of this may not even be up to us.  I may not ever be able to get pregnant again.  Or I may have more miscarriages.  It took us 2 years and a whole lot of medical intervention to have her.  And maybe that's why I can't commit either way.  I'm not willing to pour my heart into this again if it won't ever happen.  Infertility has controlled our lives for too long.  And I am SO thankful that we were able to have this amazing baby at the end, but we may not be so lucky again.  I can't go through another 2 years of crying myself to sleep after yet another failed month.  I don't want to take my temps every morning, keep a chart on my nightstand and pee on LH tests every day.  But I'm not ready to close this chapter of my life either. 

(For those curious, I haven't had a period yet since having her which could very likely be due to nursing, but in the back of my mind- I have to wonder if it's my PCOS again.  Was it my metformin that made me ovulate?  Did the surgeries only work for a little while?  Will I ever be able to carry another baby anyway?  My RE was interested to see if I'd ovulate again after having her, so I guess we'll find out eventually.)

9 comments:

  1. What I've found is that for BIG questions like these, the answers eventually come to us when we are ready and listen to our hearts. There is no sense in wondering and worrying because our guts and our hearts will lead us when the time is right. My guess is one day you'll just KNOW without a doubt that you do or do not want another baby. At least that's how I've noticed things go for me -I obsess and agonize over things, but when the timing is right, it all seems so simple and clear! I hope that happens for you. It is such a hard and personal decision. Good luck and enjoy that little princess of yours in the meantime:)!

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  2. Ive always thought about when I do have a baby if I will have this overwhelming feeling to try again for another. Even after all the heartbreak and money and disappointments, would I want to try again? I can see myself having a baby and then just "seeing what happens." I'm not sure I could go through all of this again. But also, I bet once you have a baby in your arms, it makes everyting and anything you went through worth it :) So like Faith said, just listen to your heart...

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  3. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't started my period yet either so maybe it's not PCOS. It is difficult to know what is best. I definitely don't want to go through the "trying" process again because it is so exhausting, but then when you have your sweet baby in your arms it makes it all seem worth it. Oh the dilemma!

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  4. It is such a big decision!! I am in awe that you're even thinking about it so soon, but it's good to get thinking because timing is everything. I think that the potential infertility issues can't possibly be as bad this time around (let's say if you strruggle to conceive) because you already have little Paisely. A miscarriage would, of course, be devastating no matter what the circumstance. I feel like I don't want another, but we have 2 frozen embryos that I cann't possibly destroy. I do think that Sofia would appreciate a sibling, but I also feel like life is perfect and I don't want to mess with it. We'll try our frozen babies, probably next summer as Sofia is about to be 2 and see what happens. If it doesn't work, that's it for us. You have more options though. So much to consider!!

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  5. Well.. during the first 9-10 weeks of having my baby, I made it very clear to my husband, friends, family, church members, strangers passing by on the street.. that this WOULD be my only child! My world was r-o-c-k-e-d by this new little person. And, if I were to be completely honest .. I truly just always wanted the experience of pregnancy WAY more than the experience of raising a child! So, when the final weeks of my pregnancy came, and I realized that I was actually going to be giving birth to a human that was going to need my FULL attention 24/7/365 for the next 18 years... I panicked! And I continued to panic until about 2 weeks ago when my life became a little bit more adjusted. I grew up with 3 older sisters and I always said that I wanted 4 kids.. but (if the Lord even gives me another one?) the most I would want to have is 2! I have heard a lot of women say that going from 0-1 child was by far the hardest. Then, each additional child after that was easier, so maybe I'm just still stuck in the
    'newborn phase". Also, like you, I have thought about if we just have our 1 son.. we will have more money to travel with him and to allow him to do more activities. But, should that outweigh giving him a sibling that he might enjoy way more than getting to go to exotic places every year?? Or would he end up fighting constantly with his sibling, and wish that he had our full attention?? Who knows??... so, what I've decided to do is... pray about it!! Because only God knows our future, He knows what we can handle and what our families need! I'm going to enjoy my little guy for the next couple of years and in the meantime, pray that God will let me know what's best for us!

    I'm afraid if I leave it up to myself.. I'll make the wrong decision! =)

    I hope that you find your answer soon! I'm looking forward to seeing what you (and your husband) decide to do!!! =D

    God bless you girl!!

    xoxo

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  6. Whoa!! Sorry for the novel of a comment! I've obviously had WAY too much coffee this morning. LOL

    But, here's a link to a couple blog posts that I found interesting/informational a couple of months ago. You might like them too. (the comments on them are great as well!)

    http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/search/label/esp%20for%20new%20mommies

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  7. I go back and forth on the same subject. I've always wanted at least 2 kids, but part of me is scared of having another! Another part of me wants to give all my love and attention to my boy! And... Eli is almost 9 months old... I am nursing him and haven't gotten my period back either.

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  8. I agree with Faith that you'll know what's best for your family when you know. It's hard not to wonder about how it will all play out with the IF aspect. I'm 100% prepared to go through with IVF again if that's what it takes, my husband's not so sure. It's a big decision.

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  9. By the way... Did you know that Dr Haas has moved to Deaconess... That is the hospital I work for.. We are so happy to have him...

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