Smiling Through the Rain

Yesterday I was numb with shock and disbelief. I saw patients which kept me from being able to feel everything. As soon as I was alone, I fell apart. The reality of it all hit me like a hurricane. And I know grief is part of this, but I thought I'd handle it all better. Today, I woke up knowing that my world was changed. The smile that has graced my face every morning since I found out is now gone. I had gotten used to reaching down to touch my slightly protruding belly throughout the day, but now I avoid even looking at it. It's like a cruel reminder that although my body still thinks it's pregnant, it's all over. I know everyone is trying to be helpful with all of the encouragement, but right now it just doesn't help. I don't feel comfort in knowing that "at least I got pregnant", or "next time it will work out", or that "there was probably something wrong with the baby." It might never work out. I know it and anyone el...

We went in today expecting to see our baby's heartbeat. It was supposed to be the greatest day of my life. Walking into the infertility clinic, I thought it might be my "graduation" day. Time to move on to an OB/GYN. Time to be a mommy. We've endured so much heartache, disappointment, and sadness over the past year and a half, I thought it was the beginning of a new journey. We'd completed our mission, earned our pass to the next step. Apparently, we were very wrong. I could tell it on my doctor's face the moment he saw my uterus on ultrasound. Things were not okay. There was only a tiny little sac. No fetal pole. No heartbeat. Not a 6.5 week embryo. In that second, I knew. We were no closer to becoming a family. All of our new hopes and dreams and expectations were crushed. No amount of praying, begging or pleading could change it. Not a single step of this has been easy. I have fallen into the sucky minority of girls who experience everything...

My ultrasound was not good. I'll post more about it later. Looks like I'm either waiting on a miscarriage or to have a D&C. I can't believe how much this all sucks and how angry I feel. So sorry to let everyone down.

Tomorrow is finally upon us. We'll get to have our first ultrasound where we are actually hoping to see something in my usually vacant uterus. And hopefully, we'll get to see that precious little heartbeat. I'll post tomorrow to let you all know the results. If anyone wants to talk at about 3 am, I'll bet I'm wide-awake. And I will probably get to the doc's office about an hour early...

Aaron and I headed to the fair this evening to hear one of our all-time favorite singing groups..... Boyz II Men. First I had a little temper-tantrum because everyone in front of us stood up and I couldn't see anything but big butts. Granted, I would have blocked their view if I had the chance, but nevermind that... I may have gotten a little teary-eyed for a moment, but then I was able to crawl up on top of a concrete pole and had a great viewpoint. They sang for 1.5 hours and I got to hear all of my favorites!!! Keep in mind that this is our THIRD try at seeing them in concert. We bought tickets 9 years ago during college and they cancelled due to illness. Then it was rescheduled soon after and cancelled again. So I just knew something was going to happen again! I can't believe how many of their songs take me back to a special moment in my life... a first slow dance, missing a friend, surviving a break-up, enduring the teen years. They had so many songs that almost captu...

My feelings have been all over the place since those double lines appeared on the test. I have truly felt almost every single emotion possible in a much more exaggerated manner. On the outside, I probably seem secluded at times. What's really going on is I'm focused. I'm focused on ignoring the stress around me and making sure my body stays calm. It's crazy how much my world changed. The only thing that I care about right now is protecting this baby. I'm not as worried about myself or my own emotions if I lose this pregnancy, but feel sad that we'll never meet this little one. I have been truly blessed with the best support system. I'm so incredibly sorry that I know so many people who have experienced infertility or miscarriages, but you all have given me the best advice and understanding possible. One of these friends (KW) had dinner with me last night. She is one of the most unselfish and caring people I know. She has endured her own loss this ...

We're about 5.5 weeks now and I'm definitely getting some symptoms. I suddenly LOVE tomatoes. Always liked tomato products (spaghetti sauce, pizza,etc) but now I love whole tomatoes. Pretty much continuous nausea. Very mild and no vomiting. Newly improved breast size, very painfully tender. Sending in my Playboy pics soon. :) Bloated belly and increased reflux. Sexy... Lots and lots of fatigue. I am one sleepy girl. I've had three sets of labs drawn... kind of my newest addiction... and my latest levels were good again. HcG= 10,003 and P4= 22.1. I just love to see that number go up. I'm definitely looking forward to my ultrasound on Monday. To see a healthy beating heart is my dream come true. I'm so incredibly worried about everything right now. I know a lot of people don't get it, which amazes me. If something takes you this long and this much effort, you'd do anything to make it work. And you can't help but feel constant fear that you may lose ...