Amber and Aaron

Amber and Aaron

The Fun We've Already Had...

  • Graham Tomas born July 31 at 5:04 P.M. weighing 8 lbs, 12 oz.
  • December 2, 2011: PREGNANT!!!
  • Paisley Kate arrived August 21 at 5:38 P.M. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz
  • DUE DATE: August 25, 2010!!!
  • Dec. 14, 2009- PREGNANT!!!
  • Oct. 07,2009- Had elective D&C.
  • Sept 28, 2009- No embryo on ultrasound. :(
  • Sept 15th, 2009- We found out we're PREGNANT!!!
  • Sept '09- Aaron had varicocele repair.
  • July '09- IUI #1 with HCG shot= No such luck
  • April '09- Ovarian drilling surgery, followed by hospitalization for uterine infection
  • Jan-Mar '09- metformin + 3 rounds of clomid= no ovulation
  • Dec. 11, 2008- Hysterosalpingogram (Fancy word for shooting dye through the ovaries. OUCH)
  • Nov '08- Sent to RE. Tried metformin alone for two months (No ovulation)
  • Oct '08- Diagnosed with PCOS based on amenorrhea and crazy hormone levels.
  • June '08- Aaron convinced me to start trying.
  • June '04- Got Hitched!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Grief

Yesterday I was numb with shock and disbelief. I saw patients which kept me from being able to feel everything. As soon as I was alone, I fell apart. The reality of it all hit me like a hurricane. And I know grief is part of this, but I thought I'd handle it all better.

Today, I woke up knowing that my world was changed. The smile that has graced my face every morning since I found out is now gone. I had gotten used to reaching down to touch my slightly protruding belly throughout the day, but now I avoid even looking at it. It's like a cruel reminder that although my body still thinks it's pregnant, it's all over.

I know everyone is trying to be helpful with all of the encouragement, but right now it just doesn't help. I don't feel comfort in knowing that "at least I got pregnant", or "next time it will work out", or that "there was probably something wrong with the baby." It might never work out. I know it and anyone else in this situation knows it. This might be just another step to nowhere for us. And I will always mourn this pregnancy. The next one won't replace this. It won't just fix it.

I still don't have any cramping or bleeding and my stupid HcG levels had went up to 30,000 so we're repeating an ultrasound on Friday to check the situation. Before I get a lot of hopeful comments about this, that number sucks and my ultrasound showed NO embryo. Hope is kinda out the window here. We'll decide Friday whether I'll have surgery to clean things out or wait for a natural miscarriage which could take up to 6 weeks. I'm voting surgery. I can't even begin to work through this right now since it hasn't even happened.

We're angry and sad and frustrated. My way of dealing with this is to shut myself off from the world. I don't feel like talking and acting like life has carried on. Mine hasn't. And it won't for a while. We're going to be fine, we just need time to ourselves. I still love the comments and e-mails. Just don't be upset when I don't respond right now. I just can't. Emotionally, I feel like I'm drained. Just working is exhausting me. I'm so sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings or let anyone down. Please bear with me. Normal Amber will be back...

7 comments:

  1. oh honey, I know what you mean! It made me so sad when people would say "well maybe something was wrong with the baby". Was it not enough that he or she died, do you have to say that something was wrong with him or her.

    Take all the time in the world that you need...if you need a friend, I'm alwasy here for you! And please let it out...cry if you need to!

    I'm going to leave you with a poem that helped me through some of my hard times:

    Only the Best
    A heart of gold stopped beating
    Two shining eyes at rest,
    God broke our hearts to prove
    That He only takes the best.
    God knows you had to leave us,
    But you did not go alone,
    For part of us went with you,
    The day He took you home.
    To some you are forgotten,
    To others just part of the past
    But to us who loved and lost you,
    The memory will always last.

    (I tear up every time I read this poem...sigh!)
    babyparamore.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. You take all the time you need and allow yourself to grieve. You're not letting anyone down. No one expects Normal Amber b/c your life is not normal right now. Aaron and you have experienced an incredible loss and disappointment, and no one understands exactly how you're feeling. We are here whenever you need us even if it's not for a while. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are absolutely not letting us down. Do whatever you need to do and take as much time as you need. We will be missing our normal amber in the mean time. We love you both and are here anytime...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am so sorry Amber. I have been reading through your blog and it just breaks my heart. You are such a sweet, amazing person and you and your husband our in my prayers. All our love and prayers,
    Jessica and Mike Tomolonis

    ReplyDelete
  5. Take all the time you need to mourn this loss. Take one step at a time...starting with just trying to get throught the day. My thoughts are with you and your husband.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You & Moose need to grieve in your own way, nobody can understand exactly what you're going through. Just know we are all here to support you in anyway you need, even if its just for you to vent your feelings. No one will be angry with you no matter how you handle the situation. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  7. We love you and are so sorry that you guys are hurting like this.

    ReplyDelete