Amber and Aaron

Amber and Aaron

The Fun We've Already Had...

  • Graham Tomas born July 31 at 5:04 P.M. weighing 8 lbs, 12 oz.
  • December 2, 2011: PREGNANT!!!
  • Paisley Kate arrived August 21 at 5:38 P.M. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz
  • DUE DATE: August 25, 2010!!!
  • Dec. 14, 2009- PREGNANT!!!
  • Oct. 07,2009- Had elective D&C.
  • Sept 28, 2009- No embryo on ultrasound. :(
  • Sept 15th, 2009- We found out we're PREGNANT!!!
  • Sept '09- Aaron had varicocele repair.
  • July '09- IUI #1 with HCG shot= No such luck
  • April '09- Ovarian drilling surgery, followed by hospitalization for uterine infection
  • Jan-Mar '09- metformin + 3 rounds of clomid= no ovulation
  • Dec. 11, 2008- Hysterosalpingogram (Fancy word for shooting dye through the ovaries. OUCH)
  • Nov '08- Sent to RE. Tried metformin alone for two months (No ovulation)
  • Oct '08- Diagnosed with PCOS based on amenorrhea and crazy hormone levels.
  • June '08- Aaron convinced me to start trying.
  • June '04- Got Hitched!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Another door closes

We went in today expecting to see our baby's heartbeat. It was supposed to be the greatest day of my life.

Walking into the infertility clinic, I thought it might be my "graduation" day. Time to move on to an OB/GYN. Time to be a mommy.

We've endured so much heartache, disappointment, and sadness over the past year and a half, I thought it was the beginning of a new journey. We'd completed our mission, earned our pass to the next step. Apparently, we were very wrong.

I could tell it on my doctor's face the moment he saw my uterus on ultrasound. Things were not okay. There was only a tiny little sac. No fetal pole. No heartbeat. Not a 6.5 week embryo. In that second, I knew. We were no closer to becoming a family. All of our new hopes and dreams and expectations were crushed. No amount of praying, begging or pleading could change it.

Not a single step of this has been easy. I have fallen into the sucky minority of girls who experience everything bad. Only 5% of girls have PCOS, only 20% of those are thin, only 15% don't ovulate on clomid, only 1% get an infection following surgery, only 15% have a miscarriage... You get the picture.

Your support has been great. It's not the words you say or the advice you give, it's just knowing that you all care. We're not alone. Even though in times like these it can sure feel like it.

I'll be okay eventually. If there's one thing that this has done for me, it's made me stronger. It's also made me less hopeful, more jaded, and far more pessimistic. There is nothing fair about any of it. There is nothing in this world that will make it okay. It will always hurt. And we will always miss this little one who we never got the chance to meet.

I was supposed to see my baby's heartbeat today...

14 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss! I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug in the world!

    Yes, you are strong but it is okay to let it all out! Message me if you ever want to talk. I've been down this road. My email is paramore05@ymail.com

    babyparamore.blogspot.com

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  2. Amber,
    I'm so sorry honey. I don't know if this helps, but I went down the same path... Thin PCOS doesn't O on clomid, had an unidentified infection after surgery, and miscarried my first pregnancy... and I now have two beautiful children who are my and my husband's lives. I know you and your husband have both been through so much lately and I know how much it hurts. You can email/IM me anytime @ thehagemeiers@yahoo.com

    You both are in my prayers. Deidre'

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  3. Amber, my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine having been through what you and Aaron have not only gone through, but gone through with such strength and perseverance.

    Sarah

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  4. What a horrible thing to go through, it's just not fair. Thinking of you!!

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  5. I've been thinking about you all day. I wish there was a way I could take all of this pain away from you! It sucks so much and it just isn't fair. There is nothing that anyone can say right now to make this any better. Please please please let us know if you guys need anything!

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  6. There is nothing to say that hasn't been said, just know that we love you guys and we are so so sorry.

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  7. we love you both annd are so sorry you are having to go through this. we are thinking of you and praying. let us know when you need to talk or need a hug.

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  8. My heart is breaking for you guys. You've been in our constant thoughts and prayers all evening. Please call if you need anything.

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  9. I don't know what to say, but I pray that the pain gets less awful with each new day. Sending hugs your way!

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  10. I'm so very sorry for your loss. No words, so I'm just going to send (((HUGS))))and prayers.

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  11. Oh, Amber, I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you.

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  12. I'm so sorry to hear that, Amber. You ARE a step closer to being pregnant... you are. It will happen for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this to get there.

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  13. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I have never experienced a loss so I won't pretend that I know how you feel. It totally sucks and I'm just so sorry.
    You are my follower and I wanted to let you know I switched domains, so if you would like to keep following me, I'm now at lifeandadoption.blogspot.com

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  14. Thanks for the comment on my blog. I am so sorry for your loss. My first miscariage ended the same way. We were suppose to see our baby's heartbeat, but there was nothing. It was so devasting! Life just seems so unfair doesn't it?

    I hope and pray that you will be stronger through this entire journey.

    (I signed up to follow your blog).

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