Smiling Through the Rain

My favorite holiday of the whole year is Halloween. I love the costumes, decorating, parties, scary movies, candy, trick-or-treating, etc. There are no gifts involved and I don't have to see all of our crazy family members. Last year, I did have a minor melt-down while handing out candy because it hit me that I may never have a child to take door to door. Let's hope I do better this year. Sobbing scares away little children. :) We usually have a big Halloween party to celebrate with friends, but due to the month we've had, I chose not to. Now I'm sad about it! I thought I'd include some of our past Halloween pictures. Fred and Wilma Flinstone (we wore these to a freezing cold outdoor party) We were able to survive due to Colby's special party drink he made! Whoopie Cushion and a Paper Doll (mine was made of cardboard) Pinocchio and a Chia Pet (my costume weighed a ton!) I'm still surprised ...

This may not be much of an important post because I don't have that much important stuff to say right now. I'm not saying that I don't have anything to say because let's all face it- I always have something to talk about. And maybe it's never all that important. My doc suggested that maybe I do ovulation tests this month to track things. I thought about it. And decided that I'm gonna pass. I've done ovulation tests plenty of times and get nothing accurate. My body loves nothing more than to confuse me and my docs. And infertility tests just add to the madness. So, no thanks. I give my patients "homework" all the time just to keep them busy. I know it won't make them better, but it distracts them. I'm not falling into that trap... I am, however, watching my temps every now and then. So far, they've been all over the place but they are trending downwards. The other day I even got a 97.2 which is my normal pre-ovulation tem...

Due to popular request, I am giving this update on the two fish convicted of assault and harrassement. They are both still being held in isolation from the other fish. Sheriff Aaron feels that they will learn their lesson and behave. I believe that they are fish and lack the ability to learn a lesson. We'll see who is right... I'd have already flushed them.

Warning: this post may not be suitable for all readers. It contains violence and adult language. The day began like any other. The fish tank was peaceful and it's occupants were happy. Until three adorably fat goldfish decided to move in. Aaron returned to work and left me to ensure their acceptance by the other fish and to make sure they liked their new home. Everything was going well until several hours later... One of the sweet precious little goldfish was being chased and picked on by an ugly, evil fish in the tank. I'll call him Bandit. I was none too happy to see this rude behavior so I thumped the glass several times (which Aaron repeatedly tells me is a big no-no) and called the fish some bad names. It did not deter him. This fish was unstoppable. Granted, Bandit Fish is about 1/4 the size of the sweet angelic goldfish, but with attitude like that, there was no telling what he was capable of. I knew he must be stopped. So with a net and incredible bravery, I caught him...

I went for my 2 weeks post-op today. Dr. D feels that we can start trying again immediately (would have anyways) and that I may actually already be on my period. (When did it become a question of maybe?) I hadn't bled at all since the D&C and then started heavily bleeding last night and today. He feels that it's early for a cycle but that it probably is. After all, my body does not follow the rules. If there's one thing we've come to know, I am NOT normal!!! He suggests I do ovulation tests and track temperatures to watch for ovulation. My worst fear is that this screwed up my "new and improved" cycles. I do not want to go back to amenorrhea and shots of provera. My cheeks are finally not sore letting me sit comfortably. :) I have learned of so many girls that I know who have infertility and/or miscarriage experiences. It's almost like joining a really sucky, exclusive club. We all have different stories and lives and outcomes. But what we share is ...

We had another good weekend. Nothing big to report, just enjoying spending time with family and friends. We went to the OSU-Missouri game on Saturday night. It was a lot of fun and we won!!! It's awesome to have a winning OSU season. I've had to cheer them on through so many "less-than-winning" years, it's a nice change. I go in for my post-op recheck on Thursday and it should be pretty uneventful. I'm just hoping he tells me I can start trying again next month. It's never a good sign when you're supposed to prevent pregnancy while trying to conceive. Kind of a step in the wrong direction. Pretty sure I'm going to try again anyways even if he tries to sit me out of the game. Last week I realized that I've been counting on the chance that I'll get pregnant again right away. I just assumed the quicker I had everything taken care of, the faster I could do it again. I am trying to remind myself that it very likely won't go that ...

I just found an online article in the New York Times titled, "The Gift of Life and it's Price". It's discussing IVF and the costs, risks, etc associated. The media does a fantastic job at casting a terrible light on infertility and the treatments of it. We rarely see the struggle a couple actually went through to become a family, or the medical condition causing the problem. You hear about the costs, the babies who have problems, the octo-mom, overzealous doctors... You miss the part about the couple who is completely financially and emotionally prepared to welcome a child and finds out that they can't without help and maybe not even with. These aren't single, teenage moms who are on welfare. These are your friends, neighbors, and co-workers who would love a child with all their heart and have the resources to care for them. Some of the ignorant comments from readers following the article: "People want miracles, and they want someone else (you an...

So, a moment of insanity washed over me yesterday and I decide that we should go see "Zombieland" last night. (I know, we're in the movie-seeing-mood now that it's getting cold) Weird choice for me seeing that I have about 4 true fears in life: 1.) Being stuck in a room with a lot of children by myself. 2.) Midgets. I know it's ridiculous. Kinda relates to the herd of children thing. 3.) Taco Bueno closing down or getting rid of their mexi-dips and chips. 4.) Zombies and/or the living dead. I love scary movies. The scarier, the better. Except when it includes the living dead. Totally freaks me out and I turn into one of those whiny girls clinging to their date, refusing to look at the screen. So imagine Aaron's surprise and curiosity when I suggest it. I saw the previews and knew there would indeed be zombies. The name itself kinda suggests that there might be. And yet, I thought Woody Harrelson looked funny enough in it to subject myself to the terror that is...

Aaron and I decided to go last night to see Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughn. Well, not with Vince Vaughn, I'm sure he had other plans. I should say "starring". The premise of the movie is that a couple is really contemplating divorce because their marriage is falling apart. Why you ask? Oh, because they've been dealing with infertility for 12 months. Only 12 months... That was when it just started to get bad. Up till then we still had hope. Anyways, I digress... So there I sat through half of the movie, missing the funny parts because I was wondering why we are handling this so well. What makes us immune to the fighting or depression or even divorce? Infertility can wreck your life and it definitely changes your relationships. All of them. We actually know about 4 couples going through divorce right now and none of them really have anything all that bad going on. And they've all been married less time than us. Aaron and I have always been great ...

First of all, the D&C was by far the best idea. I don't even have to think about how things would have went at home. I had NO pain when I woke up, and it was the closest thing I can imagine to just having things "disappear". I had a tiny amount of spotting yesterday right after surgery but have had none since. Awesome! And I feel really good. I actually feel better. Now I realize that I think the pregnancy was making me feel pretty sick. My operating room nurse who took me back to the OR told me that she lost a baby 26 years ago and she still misses that baby even now, especially on her due date. She did go on to have one baby, so she told me to keep hope. I bawled when she told me so she hugged me and the anesthesiologist put me to sleep so quickly through my IV that I don't remember anything else. She was just so kind to acknowledge what I was going through. Funny story: Aaron, my mom and I were in the waiting room with just one other man. He was dres...

I struggled with my decision all night last night and this morning. I called DeLene who is the OB/GYN nurse practitioner and a good friend of mine. We talked things through and decided that I will have the D&C on Wednesday. But to make myself feel absolutely right about it, we're going to repeat the ultrasound right before. I need to gather my strength by seeing inside my uterus one last time. I mean, what if a roaming, homeless little embryo stumbled across my unoccupied gestational sac and thought, "this might be a nice place to stay... for let's say 9 months." Yeah, I know, there won't be a change. It will be one last glimpse at my failed pregnancy. But I need that for closure and to go into this without extra regret. And as much as I dread it, I am ready to put this in the past. I can't look forward to our future with such an obstacle in my path. I appreciate the comments so much. It was pretty much unanimous for having the D&C. It just really hits...

I was given two choices: 1.) Have a D&C to empty out my uterus. 2.) Wait until my body decides to have a "natural" miscarriage. I was hoping for choice #3 being keep this pregnancy and have a baby. Apparently, that wasn't in the cards so then I was hoping for pretend it never happened, have a regular ol' period, and have everything reset to normal. Again, not an option on the table. I immediately decided on D&C. Why wouldn't I want to move on with this? But today, the wheels in my mind started spinning. And now they're spinning out of control. Everytime I've had anything medical done this year, it's turned out bad . From the minute I walked into the infertility clinic, I've received very little good news. Most of the time it's "I'm sorry to tell you...", "This is not what we were wanting to see...", "Looks like you're in the small percentage..." Point is: nothing has worked out easy f...

Raw sushi.... check! Turkey lunchmeat.... check! 7 mango margaritas.... check! I've had a great weekend considering the circumstances. This is the toughest blog I've ever posted considered the large amount of tequila I've consumed this evening with my mom and husband in tow. Nothing like a crapload of margaritas to lift your spirits and numb your sadness. Now it's sleepy time for this girl...

Not a shocker today- my ultrasound showed the same empty sac I had 4 days ago. Maybe it's a little bigger, but still empty. No baby. Even as I emptied my bladder for the transvaginal part of the u/s, I prayed so hard that he would find a baby with a heartbeat. Maybe you shouldn't pray on the toilet? My doc was called out to deliver twins (not only do they get to have twins, but they do it during my appt time...) so I saw his nurse practitioner who I love. She's getting me set up for the D&C next week. Hopefully she'll call me with a time soon. Then Dr. Dachaeur will be calling to talk to me about everything. Thanks again for the positive comments, e-mails, cards, phone calls... You are the most amazing group of people ever! This would be so much harder without the encouragement. I'm going to go eat lots of raw sushi and have some mango margaritas this weekend. Wish I could find a rollercoaster and a horse to ride. Kinda chilly for waterskiing. But I'm back ...

Of course I'm having a rough week. Not a good way to start a Monday finding out your only pregnancy in 15 months isn't going to work out. And even better- that my body isn't clever enough to figure it out. Awesome. But to make matters worse, I started feeling better yesterday. Strange that I'd all of a sudden feel the clouds lifting. And that's when it hit me- I'm hopeful . I'm praying for that once in a lifetime, never going to happen, we've never documented something like this kind-of miracle that my baby is actually fine. "Woops, we were wrong on Monday. Yeah, I know we've looked at a gazillion ultrasounds and this is our specialty , but you really fooled us. " I know deep down how things will really go and I know how I'm going to leave feeling. But it's so hard to realize something is wrong when I have had NO bad symptoms. My stupid little uterus is just ticking along like it's actually doing something productive. In realit...