Amber and Aaron

Amber and Aaron

The Fun We've Already Had...

  • Graham Tomas born July 31 at 5:04 P.M. weighing 8 lbs, 12 oz.
  • December 2, 2011: PREGNANT!!!
  • Paisley Kate arrived August 21 at 5:38 P.M. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz
  • DUE DATE: August 25, 2010!!!
  • Dec. 14, 2009- PREGNANT!!!
  • Oct. 07,2009- Had elective D&C.
  • Sept 28, 2009- No embryo on ultrasound. :(
  • Sept 15th, 2009- We found out we're PREGNANT!!!
  • Sept '09- Aaron had varicocele repair.
  • July '09- IUI #1 with HCG shot= No such luck
  • April '09- Ovarian drilling surgery, followed by hospitalization for uterine infection
  • Jan-Mar '09- metformin + 3 rounds of clomid= no ovulation
  • Dec. 11, 2008- Hysterosalpingogram (Fancy word for shooting dye through the ovaries. OUCH)
  • Nov '08- Sent to RE. Tried metformin alone for two months (No ovulation)
  • Oct '08- Diagnosed with PCOS based on amenorrhea and crazy hormone levels.
  • June '08- Aaron convinced me to start trying.
  • June '04- Got Hitched!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Cold Stirrups= Cold Feet

Day 40 brought AF knocking on my door again, which is exactly when it's started every month since I weaned Paisley.  Yay for consistency.  Boo for not even coming close to falling in the "regular range".  And if you're wondering why I haven't blogged in over a week, it's because it nearly killed me.  (And my marriage.)  

The cramping was terrible, my bloating made me consider pulling out my maternity clothes, I was sleeping more hours in a day than I was awake, and my mood was horrendous.  Like clomid horrendous.  Honestly, if they start going this badly from now on, I'm ready to sign up for some good ol' birth control. 

A very familiar feeling set in with this cycle and I remembered why I had been on birth control for SO many years.  Because my periods sucked.   And they made me really physically and mentally sick.  Whereas, birth control made things wonderful.  Like rainbows and unicorns appeared near a beautiful stream, erasing the dark clouds and monsters created by stupid periods.

And of course, I'm again wondering if this isn't all a sign that maybe my dysfunctional ovaries are up to no good again.  I had a gut feeling before we even started trying the first time that maybe something just wasn't right.  No reason to feel that way, I just did.  And the 2 months I got pregnant, I knew I had.  They just felt exactly right.  Again no reason for my optimism, it was just there.  Now, I feel pretty certain that it isn't happening.   If I am ovulating, I think it's the teeny-tiny follicles that I was creating during my early RE appointments.  You know, the ones we forced to happen with multiple medications and hCG trigger shots and watched hopefully on ultrasound every flipping day while the OPK's did nothing and my temps stayed the same.

I haven't heard on my RE appointment yet and I'm getting cold feet about it.  My heart is just begging me to not open myself up to this again.  Walking through those doors as a patient again would be really tough.  Like opening your life story up to a painful chapter, knowing you'd have to relive it.  And maybe the ending wouldn't be so great again.   Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!    I was so hopeful that I wouldn't be back up in the stirrups until my yearly exam.  :(

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. To most people (excluding myself, you and probably a lot of your bloggers) "planning" to have a baby is exciting and fun... To those others of us it can be so devastating and sad. I hope and pray for whatever decision your heart leads you to. It's tough, hang in there.

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  2. I'm sorry. Hopefully things aren't as bad as you're feeling they might be. Since having my son I've been on an AF roller coaster. With my feet up in the cold stirrups I felt the same as you...I was really hoping to avoid this until my next yearly. Blah! :(

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  3. So sorry, hun! That sounds absolutely miserable! I honestly can't imagine stepping onto the TTC rollercoaster again. My heart is with you as you brave it once again. My only advice - try to let go of the worry about the "Ending" and just experience the journey. Take it one day at a time. That is the only way I survived some of my ttc years and it was what got me through our adoption wait. Take care.

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  4. Ugh, Im sorry :( AF sounds like a beast!!! :( Maybe being back on bc might be a good break until you are really ready to deal with the RE and all that comes with it? Such a hard decision I know. Does Midol or anything help?

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