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Decisions, decisions

Crap.  My approval to see Dr. Haas came in the mail today.  I totally expected them to deny it.  He's not a covered provider anymore.  And I should be excited but this is REAL now.

I can call his office and make an appointment.  Anytime.  And then I'll admit that once again I'm not normal and drag myself into his clinic to hear whatever kind of crazy bad news he has to say in his compassionate way.   The first time around, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I'm not quite so blissfully naive now.

And I have my beautiful angel.  What am I really willing to do for another?  I definitely don't want to take any time or money away from Paisley.  And maybe we're not ready for another baby anyways.  Maybe I never will be.

But what if I regret it if I never try again?  There's enough doubt in my mind that I'm not certain.  There are several reasons that I can't wait on this forever.  One:  my age.  Yeah, we're "only" 31, but eggs don't get better with age.  And I don't want to have kids after 35.  Period.  Two: my insurance.  I have COBRA coverage until April which doesn't leave us long until we'll both be on private (aka: crappy and expensive) insurance without maternity coverage.  Luckily, my OB will work with me as a self-pay to make it affordable, but I can't spend a ton on infertility too.  Three:  I feel like the older Paisley gets, the more I'm resistant to go back into the baby phase.  I wanted my babies close in age and they'll at least be 2 years apart now even if I got pregnant quickly.

The baby phase is tough.  I'm definitely not one of those moms who is super sad about her getting older.  I LOVE the independence she's gaining and the things she's learning and our relationship as it evolves.  And I'm not worried that I can't love a 2nd child as much as I love her, but I love that she and I share such a special relationship.  I know I have some time to think about this.  But I don't know if it'll ever be clear to me.

Side note:  I've never adapted well to change and resist it with all my might.   I also avoid healthcare as much as possible even though I work as a health care provider.  Weird, I know...  just not sure I'm ready to start hearing about my "inhospitable" mucus and "inadequate" eggs again...

Comments

  1. FaithSeptember 12, 2011 at 10:48 PM

    I totally get all your wonderings. If mine hadn't come the way they did, I think I also would have wondered about having another one, for all those reasons you mentioned. But, in the end, I always wanted 2, so I would have tried. The right answer is in your heart - follow your heart, or your gut, whatever works for ya;). Thinking of you as you make this big decision...

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  2. AnnieSeptember 13, 2011 at 10:01 AM

    I say go for it! If your current insurance is good, milk it for all it's worth. I did my treatment on COBRA and got pregnant just before we lost that coverage and ended up with NO infertility coverage w/ hubby's new job. Had we not plowed ahead when we did, we would have lost our chance forever. Plus, a sibling for Paisley would be a gift that (hopefully!) would last a lifetime. It would be worth the price she may pay now - irritable, distracted parents!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kev and EricaSeptember 14, 2011 at 1:38 PM

    I'm SO sorry you have to make these decisions, Amber! I can definitely see why it would be a dilemma especially after your previous long journey.

    ReplyDelete

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