Smiling Through the Rain

A certain someone turned 29 today which is WAY too close to the big 3-0. It brought with it the realization that if I'm not miraculously pregnant within the next couple of months that I will not be able to pop out a little one before I'm 30. It was a great birthday as far as birthdays go. I'm not a huge holiday type person especially when gift-giving is involved, so I kinda just tolerate it all. We went to dinner with my mom, Aaron, his parents and my sis-in-law. I got everything I could have ever asked for and then some. (Including a replacement camera for the one I lost.) Which has caused a little bit of regret on my part. You see, I'm a terrible gift-giver. Always have been and I'm sure always will be. I find it gut-wrenching to hunt for the "perfect" gift and I never pick up on those subtle clues that people give. Or not so subtle in the case of my mother. I didn't actually give Aaron anything for his b-day this year and last year I gave...

It's truly incredible how just when the day is going okay, someone throws a wrench in the ___. I'm not great with sayings, so whatever goes there- feel free to put it in for me. Point is: someone screwed up my good day. So, I enter one of my exam rooms today to see an 82-year-old patient who I really like. He's always very kind and thankful, so I look forward to his visits. And it's very fortunate for him that I feel that way, because if it had been someone else, I'd have kicked him to the curb with a script for some better judgement. First, he says that I look great which I very much appreciate and never tire of hearing. Before I can feel too great about it though, he whispers sweetly, "are you expecting?" Expecting what ? More infertility bills, a raise for dealing with questions like that, to never wear a loose dress again... sure. Oh, a baby. No, I'm not expecting one of those. Look, dude, I ate a big lunch. Maybe it was my posture. Def...

The urge to quit trying is battling for control. Maybe not forever, but I'm in desperate need of a break. And I know that I'm technically on a break this month for vacation, but I'm still temp charting. And now I'm starting to think about the road ahead and the tough decisions we are about to face. IVF: Great chance of having a baby bearing our own awesome genetics, but it's terribly expensive and a lot of effort on my part. Plus, an IVF failure would be the end of the road. Also, I'm not too psyched about multiples, although the TV deal would be great. Egg/frozen embryo/sperm donation: These options eliminate the need for our own contribution to be award-winning. It's like cheating the system. Downfall is that it wouldn't be a baby that the two of us created in love... However, I think that love fell out of this equation when we invited Dr. Haas into our personal lives. Adoption: It's a scary system to enter into, filled with extensive paperwork,...

We went out to dinner last night for my mom's birthday and while we're there, my mom and I are gossiping about everyone we know that is worth gossiping about. Don't worry, I'm sure it's none of you. :) Anyways, we're talking about a family member who has a new baby, already going through a divorce and is now dating someone else. I find this completely crazy and can't imagine that being a good idea. My comment about the situation was, "who in their right mind would want to date a girl with a 7-month-old baby?" With perfect timing and absolute conviction, Aaron answers "I would." We laughed so hard I thought I'd pee my pants. So for those of you with kids, watch out. Aaron's on the prowl for some step-kids...

Our collie, Chance, passed away this morning. He had been having some health problems for several months now, but went downhill quickly last night. We aren't sure what happened, but we're thankful that he didn't have to suffer long. Aaron was spared the task of euthanizing him since he went on his own. I just want to say a couple of things about him, so for those of you who don't believe dogs are family members, you may want to stop reading now. For anyone who has ever had a four-legged furry best friend, you'll understand. We adopted Chance when he was 4 years old from a rescue group. He fit into our family and into our lives instantly. I have about a million good memories about him and so many happy times we spent together. He was the most loving and friendly dog I'd ever been around. People would always stop us and want to pet him when we walked him because he looked like "Lassie". I personally think he was way better than Lassie... :) Aaron, thank ...

I've had several questions about what we'll do from here. Great question... What I've learned through all of this is that there is never a set road. Medications don't always work, certain treatments are not effective for all, and every couple has their own set of problems. (Seems we have a ton.) And just when Dr. Haas, Aaron and I seem to get a plan- things change. I didn't expect last month to turn into an IUI, but it did. Earlier on, I didn't expect to fail on clomid and have surgery, but I did. When this all began, I never would have expected to go through this much already and still not be pregnant. But here we are... So, I'm not quite sure what we'll do. We're going on vacation with 4 of our best friends in 2 weeks, so it will eliminate this month from IUI (unless one you of 4 is willing to learn). Dr. Haas had mentioned having us come in for just a simple consultation visit to talk over our options soon. And I feel like maybe it would...

I'm sure you already know from the title who showed up today. And not only did she show up, but it was a grand arrival... I woke up to take my temp (which had sadly fallen) so I already knew what was coming. I stood up to go to the restroom and passed a LOT of blood clots. Oops, should have warned the faint-hearted about TMI. Anyways, I've had a rather unpleasant day of bloating, cramping and possibly bleeding to death. :) I even questioned whether it could be a miscarriage since I'm usually more of a spotter. So, I took a pregnancy test which was negative (aren't they all?). Aaron's affectionately titled this my $420 period. (That's what we've paid for co-pays and IUI this month). Saddest part is Aaron's reaction to it. I expected it so I was really fine, but Aaron looked like someone had just stolen his puppy dog. He even asked if I was sure I couldn't be pregnant because sometimes girls spot on their period. I made him check out my trail of ...

So, I put a counter on my blog about 2 weeks ago and today I hit the 1,000 views mark. I never in my wildest dreams would have ever expected so many people to read about boring ol' me. Thanks so much for showing so much interest!!! And I've really enjoyed having this blog, so it's good that people actually read it. Update on my cousin : Baby M will be released from NICU tomorrow which is great news. Baby K is stable and they're hoping to get her off the heart bypass machine tomorrow and go from there. She's the toughest little 6 pounder ever and I'm SO proud of her! Keep the prayers a comin' since she still has a lot of battles to overcome. Update on my uterus: Seem to be doing fine, I am 10 days post IUI and feeling great. So much else has been going on that I haven't really given much thought to my own situation. It seems kinda simple and ridiculous in comparison. I should be starting my period on Monday and I haven't yet decided if I...

My cousin just had beautiful, identical twin girls 11 days ago. Baby K had to have a major open heart surgery at only 6 days old and has been fighting to recover since then. She had a pretty major set-back last night and I just want all of my friends to please add her onto their prayer list. They're in Dallas since that's where the best heart specialist is, so it's really hard for the family since she's not here at home. I just can't understand why certain things have to happen. We've known for some time that she had this heart defect and that 25% of babies don't survive (all babies require 3 surgeries), but I never accepted that it could happen to her. It has broken my heart today to know what my cousin is going through and how hard little K is trying to fight. Please pray for them...

When I started this blog, my goal was to be as honest and open as possible. Truthfully, it's kinda just my personality to be that way. It takes much more effort for me to withhold information or keep a secret than tell the world all of my personal business. The other day I started considering how I would handle it if I did get pregnant. I had always thought that we'd only tell our parents until I was about 10 weeks along so that I was through the "most dangerous" part. At that time, I also figured I wouldn't even really know until I was 6 weeks along. Now that I have invited you all in to share in our story, it's impossible to hide something that significant. You've all been there for me during the tears and frustration, it only seems fair that you should be there for the celebration. So, I've decided that if the day ever does come that I get my positive, I will share it with you all. Knowing that things may still go wrong and I may quickly turn...

I really don't like to brag about why our neighborhood is so much better than your neighborhood (as if you don't already know), but I'm gonna have to. Check out what a good garage sale on the south side looks like: There was literally crap all over the driveway and the front lawn. There is also a pick-up truck sitting in front of the house that had the entire bed loaded with stuff that was for sale. Even the truck was for sale. I know you can't see details, but there are about 1,000 stuffed animals, 20 bicycles, 15 tires, and a HUGE assortment of other junk in this yard. Nothing had a price tag or any trace of organization to it. The pictures don't even show the full extent of the madness, my friends. Best part of the story: I decide I'll take some pictures of it while driving by on my way home (it's right down the street from me). Well, instead of being subtle and not drawing more attention to myself as I'm driving down the street taking pictures, I r...

I think maybe I've got an addiction. I'm in that stage where I've realized that I have a problem, but no one around me seems to. Waiting on someone to take my hand and say, "we need to get you some help." It's kinda funny because I actually was a slow one to sign up for the whole myspace/facebook/ blog phenomenon, thinking that there were tons of criminals waiting to steal my identity, drain my accounts, and start stalking me. Turns out, I don't really think I'm that interesting and my financial situation leaves much to be desired. Go ahead and take over my loan debt- I dare you! But now here I am, entering a new blog almost every day and checking for comments that people leave. I get SO excited when someone has commented or when one of the blogs I follow is updated. I think this has been excellent for my mental health and Aaron's well-being. But it really interferes with my TV time. :) As for my baby situation, I'm 2 days post IUI so w...

I'm officially in the dreaded two-week wait now before we will know whether the IUI worked for us. I'm hoping that I'll finally be one of the lucky ones, but let's face it- luck has not exactly been on my side recently. I will be testing on July 22 if I haven't started by then. My guess is that I'll be receiving a very unwelcome visitor several days before that. My pouting has lessened today and I'm not quite as irritable and emotionally unstable. I've always been such a stable person, so this makes me feel crazy!!! I'm not sure at all what we'll do if IUI doesn't work within 4 cycles. My suggestion is quit trying and see if a miracle will happen on its own. I'm just not interested in doing much else. I never have been and I don't think that's going to change. Especially not for $15,000... YIKES!!! I guess the big question is will I have major regrets if I never have a child? I've never focused my life around havin...

No one ever told me that infertility would be one giant rollercoaster. No one warned me that one day you would see the "light at the end of the tunnel" and feel ecstatic, and the very next day have all of that ripped away from you and feel absolute despair. No one prepared me for the giant choices, risks, financial strain, and relationship issues that infertility would bring. No one told me how hard it would be to accept that I may not ever be a mom. I guess I was expecting wonderful things today and it didn't go as terrible as I'm making it sound, but we got a little more info about things to consider. Taking all factors into consideration, Dr. Haas gives us about a 10% chance (aka: "snowball's chance in hell) of conceiving with IUI. A normal couple has about 25% every month. He says that he'll do it 4 times at most and if it doesn't work by then, it probably won't work. At that point, we have to consider other options. One of which is us...

The 4th of July turned out to be pretty exciting. We had decided to spend it with Mendy and Adam (parents of the new twins in NICU) so we went to dinner with them and then hung out at the hospital which is actually a ton of fun. We watched some fireworks from the top of a parking garage until security ran us off. (The 4 of us must look like trouble...) At 11:00 p.m., I gave myself my shot of hCG which wasn't bad at all until about 30 minutes later. I got some localized swelling and pretty bad cramps. Dr. Haas said I could expect those side effects. We took some pictures of the process so we can remind our child how much trouble we went through for them. :) Ignore my fuzzy hair- it was raining cats and dogs here and my hair loves humidity!!! And more exciting news: my cousin Amee had her identical twin girls last night in Dallas. She had to deliver there because one of the twins will require numerous heart surgeries to correct a defect and Dallas had the best pediatric cardiologist....

Visit #3 with Dr. Haas went as expected. My follicle is now 19 mm which is fantastic! (Our goal was 18). Plus, he's already called me today to tell me my progesterone level is still low which we want. So, my IUI is set up for Monday morning at 11:00. Which couldn't really be worse timing since I'll be missing part of my 1st morning back at work from a long holiday weekend. It's one of our busiest times, but my patients can wait. It's my turn to be the patient. :) I have to give myself an injection of hCG into the abdomen tonight at 11:00 p.m. which helps my body prepare to release the follicle. I've only given myself one shot but I've given LOTS to other people. And I've been carrying this injection around with me for 7 months waiting until the time I'd actually have a follicle worth injecting, so it's sort of a milestone for me! I'll let everyone know how Monday goes and then we'll experience our first real 2 week wait together!!! (2 wee...

My weekend of fun with Dr. Haas continued this morning. Ultrasound showed that my 14 mm follicle from yesterday is now 17.5 mm which is great progress in one day! Our goal is 18 mm so we're getting close. And of course, he drew more blood. So, this cycle has now been changed into IUI round #1. (For my vet friends, it's the same as AI in cattle. Except he won't use his whole arm hopefully). So, we go back tomorrow morning for more labs and another ultrasound to check my follicle. We're planning on IUI on Sunday or Monday which entails going in at 11:00 for insemination. I'm kinda excited because it's the best chance we've had so far. I do feel a little bad though because Dr. Haas is no longer going out-of-town since he's seeing me all weekend. I'll post in the morning after my appointment to let you know how things are progressing!!!

Dr. Haas and I had another of our exciting and "predictable" visits today. By predictable, I mean completely baffling and mind-numbingly surprising. I took in my lovely temperature chart which he was not pleased with, and we talked about my OPT's which again he was not loving. Back into the stirrups... So, we proceeded on with my ultrasound. He found a 14 mm follicle in my left ovary which isn't big enough to write home about. Next, we looked at microscope slides containing my cervical mucus. (Sorry you couldn't all be there for that). Again, my body threw this poor man off course because it was fernlike suggesting that ovulation had not occured, but there were white cells suggesting it had. Final verdict in this long boring saga: My labwork just came back and my progesterone is really low which means that I have not ovulated. My estrogen is high which is good, meaning hopefully that little scrawny follicle will be growing up big and strong over the next f...