Amber and Aaron

Amber and Aaron

The Fun We've Already Had...

  • Graham Tomas born July 31 at 5:04 P.M. weighing 8 lbs, 12 oz.
  • December 2, 2011: PREGNANT!!!
  • Paisley Kate arrived August 21 at 5:38 P.M. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz
  • DUE DATE: August 25, 2010!!!
  • Dec. 14, 2009- PREGNANT!!!
  • Oct. 07,2009- Had elective D&C.
  • Sept 28, 2009- No embryo on ultrasound. :(
  • Sept 15th, 2009- We found out we're PREGNANT!!!
  • Sept '09- Aaron had varicocele repair.
  • July '09- IUI #1 with HCG shot= No such luck
  • April '09- Ovarian drilling surgery, followed by hospitalization for uterine infection
  • Jan-Mar '09- metformin + 3 rounds of clomid= no ovulation
  • Dec. 11, 2008- Hysterosalpingogram (Fancy word for shooting dye through the ovaries. OUCH)
  • Nov '08- Sent to RE. Tried metformin alone for two months (No ovulation)
  • Oct '08- Diagnosed with PCOS based on amenorrhea and crazy hormone levels.
  • June '08- Aaron convinced me to start trying.
  • June '04- Got Hitched!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Are you SURE I'm pregnant?

I just read another girl's blog who is 9 weeks pregnant. She's also had a hard road getting there and she talked about feeling detached from her pregnancy. Interesting post, and it kinda hit me that I can relate to it.

Every time I listen to the heartbeat or see the baby on ultrasound, I'm relieved that the little one is doing well. And it takes my breath away. But I feel like all that I can accept is that the baby is okay at that moment. I am not able to feel any sort of confidence about the future. Every now and then, you might hear me say, "when the baby comes", or "next year when the baby is here". But mostly I still think "if".

Looking at the ultrasound screen, I can't even begin to believe that the baby is actually in my uterus. That it's my baby. If I did fully believe it, it would make the fear of losing him/her that much more debilitating. And let's face it, there won't be a guarantee until that baby is in my arms. And then a new set of worry sets in...

I wouldn't necessarily take back what we've been through because I know it will make me appreciate this baby so much more once he/she arrives. But it sure does steal some of the blissfulness. I just kinda thought that a successful pregnancy would heal the wounds caused from the miscarriage and the infertility. I'd say maybe it just put a band-aid on it for me.

Now, I don't want anyone to read this and think that I'm not excited or that I'm not appreciative. I am SO fortunate to be able to worry about this baby. That much I will never forget. It's just so hard when you have so much to lose and you find yourself loving this baby more than anything ever. Especially after fighting so hard to get to this point.

I find that I don't want to talk about the baby alot, especially to people I'm not really close with. I think that it's just so important to me that I keep it a little more private than most things. And I'm so guarded with my feelings this time around. Most people don't/can't understand why I'm not 100% excited and my hormones are just not allowing for stupid/insensitive comments at this time. :) These are the same people who didn't really support me well through the infertility or the miscarriage, so why should they get to celebrate with me now?

Aaron has been my teammate throughout all of this. He's the only person who has truly been through all of it with me. So sometimes, I feel like this is just between the two of us. I have a hard time letting others in. I'm already tired of hearing advice and getting my tummy molested by non-friends. I guess I just worry that if people talk about the baby too much, he/she will get sick of it, pack up, and move on out. I feel like I'd like to do that at times. :)

6 comments:

  1. Man! I know exactly what you mean! I see the baby on the u/s and cannot connect the fact that what I'm seeing is growing and living in ME. I still - every single time - carefully look at my TP to inspect for any sign of bleeding. It's like I'm expecting the absolute worst. I still start sentences with "Assuming everything turns out with the baby..." I just want to be relaxed and happily expecting! It's getting better and better, but I too feel that IF stole some really great moments from me. It sucks.

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  2. I definitely didn't go through all that you've been through, but I felt exactly the same way about Cayden. I actually got really mad at my mom for buying me maternity clothes early on b/c it made it too real, and I was scared what they would be too painful to have around if something happened to the baby. You were probably the only friend that I would actually act excited with because I knew that you would be there if something did happen. It seemed like one week's milestones just began the countdown for worrying about the next. It does get a lot more real and constantly reassuring when you feel the baby move which will be any day for you now. At some point after Cayden was born the worrying because exhausting and gave up... and finally enjoyed life a lot more. Not that that's really that helpful to you, but I can relate to the persistent fear of the unknown. love you!

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  3. I know what you mean regarding the secrecy. I wish fewer people knew. I feel like the more talk and optimism there is, the more likely something bad will happen. It feels like we're testing fate. Rationally I know this is not the case. You've had nothing but good news this time and I know it will continue well. (Oops - did I just jinx you a little? What I meant to say was, Let's stop talking about this immediately :)

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  4. Sweetie, Its not a bad thing at all that your scared to think of the future. I can honestly say that I was the same exact way my entire pregnancy. With infertility and having miscarriages it trains your mind to be pessimistic almost about the whole thing. I know your excited and worried at the same time. Just keep letting yourself be excited as well as worried. Because that worry will always be there. No matter what people try to tell you. So embrace the fear and be excited too.
    My prayers are with you and your little one. I'm excited to watch you grow and see your cute baby bump pics each month. I miss the bump sooooo bad!

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  5. Amber, I have no idea what ladies go through when they are dealing with infertility but from someone who hasn't experienced that, I have the same worries you do. I guess I've known of too many people who have miscarried that I keep wondering if everything is ok and I'm anxious for my next OB appointment so I can hear the heartbeat for reassurance. I'm jealous that you have a fetal monitor and can "stalk" your baby - I may have to come by sometime to borrow it! :) I also don't talk to much about it with others...one reason is I don't feel like things have changed much - it doesn't feel real yet. I don't feel different and I'm barely showing so I don't know what to say most of the time.
    I hope that as your pregnancy progresses you are able to feel more excited and less anxious especially once you're able to feel baby Gil move around. I look forward to your updates and pics.

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  6. Its normal. Just like you had to work harder to get pregnant, you are going to have to work harder to connect with your pregnancy because of the infertility and loss you've experienced.
    Give yourself a break. God knows your heart and how much you and your husband want and love this baby.

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