Amber and Aaron

Amber and Aaron

The Fun We've Already Had...

  • Graham Tomas born July 31 at 5:04 P.M. weighing 8 lbs, 12 oz.
  • December 2, 2011: PREGNANT!!!
  • Paisley Kate arrived August 21 at 5:38 P.M. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz
  • DUE DATE: August 25, 2010!!!
  • Dec. 14, 2009- PREGNANT!!!
  • Oct. 07,2009- Had elective D&C.
  • Sept 28, 2009- No embryo on ultrasound. :(
  • Sept 15th, 2009- We found out we're PREGNANT!!!
  • Sept '09- Aaron had varicocele repair.
  • July '09- IUI #1 with HCG shot= No such luck
  • April '09- Ovarian drilling surgery, followed by hospitalization for uterine infection
  • Jan-Mar '09- metformin + 3 rounds of clomid= no ovulation
  • Dec. 11, 2008- Hysterosalpingogram (Fancy word for shooting dye through the ovaries. OUCH)
  • Nov '08- Sent to RE. Tried metformin alone for two months (No ovulation)
  • Oct '08- Diagnosed with PCOS based on amenorrhea and crazy hormone levels.
  • June '08- Aaron convinced me to start trying.
  • June '04- Got Hitched!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Hello Old Friend (Back in the Stirrups)

The stirrups were calling my name since it's been 6 weeks since I've been in any. So, I went for my postpartum check-up today. I was a little scared, to be honest, because I haven't had the guts nor the desire to look at those parts since they were sliced open from one end to the other. Not to mention the almost 8 pound baby that somehow squeezed through. I mean, you know it can't be good when they won't even let you wipe for a week...

Anyways, she said things are healing well. I'll take her word for it.

Then, we talked about birth control... And we decided that we don't know what to do. I do know that the mini-pill isn't a great option for me for 2 main reasons. 1.) It would make it impossible for me to know if my cycles are regular again or if we're back at square one. 2.) Progesterone makes me evil. I actually would have to prepare myself to leave the house when I was on it for infertility reasons because it made me a bit homicidal. Not kidding.

So, she suggested an IUD if we want something long-term. Which I don't think we do. My gut feeling says that we should have 2 kiddos if we're lucky enough to have another. And I LOVED pregnancy, so I certainly don't mind doing it again. But since we're 30 and want our kids close together, I don't think an IUD is right.

Of course, there are a million other non-hormonal barrier type methods we can consider. Which as of now consists of the fact that my baby is attached to me 98% of the day and even sleeps with us... I've just never had to think about all of this! And not long ago, it seems like I never would since I couldn't ovulate even with medical intervention!

My infertility doc told us that he would like me to make sure that I'm ovulating once I wean Paisley. If not, he wants to see me because the hormone imbalance puts me at risk for ovarian and breast cancer. Which is one of the big downfalls of PCOS. And it's all a big reminder that although I had a baby, I'm still not normal. Bummer.

I realize that we may never get pregnant again. I also know that we may face another miscarriage. The road ahead is definitely not certain. I just feel like we are so blessed and fortunate to have one healthy baby and will welcome another pregnancy if it is meant to be. I'm just not sure when to allow that opportunity to happen or how to prevent it until that time.

Suggestions?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Motherhood

Let me tell you what I've discovered from my 5 weeks of parenting so far. No one can ever really prepare you for what being a mother is like, and I have learned a lot already. Some of these things I feel guilty for even admitting, but I know others think it too and I wish someone had told me that it was normal. Some of these I should have been smart enough to realize, but apparently I wasn't...

1.) My maternity clothes will not fit. They used to be the most comfortable clothes in the world, but now they fall off. The shirts fit strangely, the pants are all wrong, and the bella band is useless.

2.) My regular clothes will not fit. I made the unfortunate mistake of trying to put on a regular pair of jeans after realizing that my maternity pants wouldn't fit right. This tragedy resulted in a 10 minute tearful fit with my husband silently observing. He tried to offer encouragement such as, "I think you look great for just having a baby" and "it will take some time to lose the weight". Thanks dear. You always know just the right thing to say.

3.) I have had several panic attacks when I think about the fact that Paisley is mine forever. She won't be going anywhere. I have this tremendous responsibility on my shoulders to provide her with everything she needs to become a good person. I want her to be safe, healthy, happy , loved, etc. And I feel like I have to protect her from everything. Yikes.

4.) Vomit is not easy to clean up. Problem is when it happens, it gets all over EVERYTHING. She gets my shirt, my pants, my hair, her clothes, her hair, the carpet, furniture, etc. I need a game plan on where to start. If I move, the vomit falls off my clothes onto the floor which creates even more of a mess.

5.) Alone time is very hard to get. I had this thought that I would still have an hour or two to myself everyday while daddy played with her. And many days I do. Dilemma: he's home in the evenings when she wants to belly up to the booby buffet for hours at a time and snuggle with mommy. In the mornings, she'd be happy playing with anyone.

6.) I did not need all this baby stuff. We don't use the baby tub, since she bathes with me. We don't use the wipe warmer, because she doesn't give a crap if her wipes are ice cold. We don't use her swing, because she despises it. Now, much of this I couldn't have predicted beforehand, but now that it's all opened and the boxes are thrown away- we're stuck keeping it...

7.) Breastfeeding is very time-consuming. I say it's easy, only because I'm fortunate enough to make lots of milk. And I have a baby who loves to participate. BUT, it leaves me as the only one who can feed her. (Remember: my baby hates bottles. This is not getting better at all). So, at least every 3 hours during the day and sometimes much more frequently, I have to feed her.

8.) No book or person can tell you what is right or wrong for your baby. There sometimes isn't one right answer. I can't get our baby out of our bed to sleep on her own. Many people have told me that I better correct that now or she'll be there forever, or that I'm making a big mistake, or how they had such an easy time putting their baby in their crib. And it has made me worry that I'm not a good parent. But I have a baby who doesn't like to be put down ever. And she literally cries 1 minute after I put her in her crib or cradle.

9.) You can have the best plans for how you're going to do everything and things that you will never do. Toss those expectations out the window. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you and your baby. Not the ideal baby from the books that exists in a perfect world. One of my friends wisely told me that the infant stage is about survival. You do what you have to do.

Now, don't take this post to mean that I don't love being her mom. I do. Paisley is a beautiful little girl and we are SO lucky to have her. But I don't think it's fair that I should be expected to sugarcoat everything just because we had trouble getting to this point. And it's getting easier everyday. But I sure wasn't aware of how tough it would be! And my blog has always been a place for me to be honest and reach out to others who maybe feel the same way. I'm actually having a hard time hitting the publish key because I feel bad about complaining!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Doctor's Visit

Little Miss Priss went to the doctor today and she's growing like a weed. She's already 9 pounds, 2 ounces and 22 inches long. So that puts her in the 75% for length and 50% for weight. Her huge head is 15 inches and is between the 75-90 percentile. I'm telling you- it was NOT fun to push out. Things will NEVER be the same!

She's currently fast asleep in the moby and I am happy to report that she has been sleeping about 4 hour stretches the past 4 nights. I keep waiting for that to fall apart again, but I'm sure enjoying it while it lasts. And although I feel guilty ever single day that she sleeps with us, it all melts away at night when she snuggles her tiny adorable body up next to mine and throws her sweet chubby hand up on my chest. Mmmm....I love it!!!

I forgot to tell our bath story from the other night. I've figured out that bathing with her is just easier and we both end up clean that way. So, we just get in the tub which she loves and Aaron points out that there seems to be a bit of something floating in the water with us.

As I'm getting a little grossed out, he speaks for Paisley (in a tiny girl voice) and says, "oh mom, it's just a little poop. Big deal!" It was hilarious and a good example of why you don't bathe with your baby. But being the disgusting new mom that I am, I went ahead and finished her bath, handed her to her daddy to get her p.j's on, and then washed my hair... yep, life is good.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Happy 1 month!!!

My princess turned 1-month-old today!!! I can't believe that it's been 1 month since she came into my life. Look at her chubby little belly. She's gained about 3 more chins recently and has tons of fat rolls on her thighs now!










Monday, September 20, 2010

Hooray for Sleep!!!

Dear Sleep,
Thank you sincerely for visiting me and my dear little daughter last night. We were in desperate need of several hours from you and not just the tiny blocks of time that leave me wanting more. I have missed our relationship and realize that I really took you for granted prior to having Paisley, who apparently does not require your presence. Hope to get more frequent and longer visits from you in the future. (At least when she leaves for college.)

Love,
Amber


My adorable little girl went to sleep at 11 last night and didn't wake up until 5 to eat!!! Now, the only problem with this situation is that I started waking up at 3 since I was certain she'd want to nurse soon. So, if only I could train myself to sleep in longer blocks of time again...

She took a bottle from Aaron last night better than the previous attempts. We used the Nuk bottles (thanks Andrea) and she seemed to like it best. I thought she might since she takes pacifiers just fine. She still needs lots of practice with the bottle before I can feel confident about leaving her with anyone, but we're making improvement.

TV is already a problem with her. When it's on, she stretches her neck as far around as possible to try to watch it. Mommy has to stop watching so much Cops and The Simpsons...

We've been trying to take her on walks in the evening when it cools down and she loves it. I want her to look around at the surroundings, but she likes to stare right at me. Which is so sweet. We don't put her in her stroller because it rocks her right to sleep, so we just carry her.

Today my half-sister is coming over with her baby who is 5 days older than Paisley for a play-date. I realize that they won't really care about each other yet, but it's sure nice to be around other new moms! She'll understand why my clothes don't match and my hair looks crazy. :)

Projects for this week are to work on her taking a bottle better and getting her to sleep in her cradle. I started laying her down for naps yesterday in her crib or co-sleeper and she did well. I didn't do quite so well, since I watched the video monitor like a hawk the whole time! But it'll get easier over time. She's just my tiny baby and I love being close to her!!!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

First Visit to the State Fair!!!

We took Paisley to the state fair last night with our friends Mendy and Adam and their twin girls, Renna and Reagan. It was SOOO much fun!!! We had to take some pictures of the girls all getting to know each other since I'm sure they'll all be best friends. At least we hope they are since we enjoy hanging out with their parents... :)
All the girls were so good and I learned that I can walk and nurse at the same time. Of course I used the hooter hider, even though I'm not sure it's really necessary at the fair. :) No one would have noticed!

Pretty sure fair food does not sit well on Paisley's stomach considering she puked 4 times after we left. Someone mentioned gas drops which I'm going to try tonight and I will have to start watching my diet better. :( She doesn't get cranky when she pukes which is crazy, but I sure do need her to sleep at night! Something tells me none of it is going to help and that she just really has her days and nights mixed up. Anyways, she's super duper adorable which makes it all worth it!
Any advice on how to get a breast loving baby to take a bottle? She will suck on it, but then spits the milk back at us like she doesn't like it when it's not "straight from the source". Aaron has been the one trying to feed her and I stay out of the room. We've tried 3 different bottles and multiple nipples. I will have to leave her eventually (that's the sound of my heart breaking) and we need her to take a bottle before kindergarten! Otherwise I'll have to go visit her at lunch so she can eat... (totally kidding, people.)

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Spoke too soon

It's 2 am. I don't like to blog at 2 am, but Paisley apparently doesn't like to sleep now. So, I'm blogging before I lose my mind. On Wednesday, I posted that she was finally sleeping better. I cursed the whole thing.

The past 3 nights have been rough. Tonight is the worst we've had so far. She's so good all day long, but when 10 or 11 pm hits, everything seems to fall apart. She thinks she wants to nurse, but it just seems to frustrate her at night. I rock her and she'll doze off, but as soon as I try to lay her down, she wakes up.

It's one of those days that I don't feel like I have a clue what I'm doing. And I desperately need some sleep.

UPDATE: We finally fell asleep at 3 am. Paisley is quite the night owl. She woke up at 6:30 to eat and then we got up at 9:30. She's in a great mood this morning as always and seems to have forgotten the night we had last night. Which I'm glad for because I don't want her to think I'm a bad mommy when I can't get her to stop crying...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Future Veterinarian?

Paisley's been going to work with her daddy on Tuesdays (with her clingy mom in tow). She loves it at the clinic! She stays awake most of the time we're there and soaks up all the attention she gets.


I should follow up on my previous post about my "postpartum depression". I don't feel like it's fair to say I had a full-blown case of postpartum, considering it was really only 3-4 episodes of tearfulness/worry/feeling overwhelmed that lasted at most an hour each. Mine was completely attributed to sleep deprivation. I know some women have it much worse and I do not want anyone to assume that I think it is easy to get over true depression.
With that said, I am really feeling like myself again!!! I feel like the old Amber is really finding her place in this new mommyhood business and we're even getting a little more of a routine down. Queen Paisley still tells me we have to get up once or twice a night to eat, but she's sleeping pretty good otherwise. Which makes for a much happier momma.

Now, let's talk about exercise. I'm ready to get this body of mine toned back up! I currently weigh 132 which is 14 pounds more than I did before I got pregnant. I have lost 20 pounds which seems great, but I need some toning!!! I do try to remember that I weighed 130 before I started infertility treatments. Metformin caused me to lose a lot of weight. Anyways, it will be nice when I can fit in my regular clothes since my maternity clothes are too big now!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Need a gift idea for me? Depends will work!

Where do I even begin with this story??? I'm warning you now, this post will not be pretty. But it will be funny. For you. And for my husband. Me- not so much.

It all began after a really good day where I felt like I was really getting my crap together. Paisley and I slept better last night, ran around all day with Aaron doing fun stuff, etc. Then, the baby projectile-vomited all over me, the recliner and herself. Gross.

Aaron and I get her cleaned up, wipe down the chair (thank goodness for microfiber) and I take off my shorts that she has puked all over. I just remain in my underwear and tank top since I need a shower anyways.

Next, the cat vomits in the kitchen because he ate some hamburger meat that Aaron left on the kitchen counter when he came to rescue me from the vomit nightmare. I don't handle cat vomit well. For whatever reason, it really grosses me out. So it's a big deal when I volunteer to clean it up so Aaron can eat since he had helped me with her vomit.

I proceed to clean up the vomit while dry-heaving. Apparently, the dry-heaving was too much for my post-baby bladder to handle because I PEED on myself. Now, I've been really ticked off because I'm still having to wear stupid pads due to light bleeding for 3 weeks. I now realize that it's a good thing I was since it soaked it up. I never once leaked during my whole pregnancy!!!

At this point, I'm pretty sure it can't get any worse. Until I sit down to write this post with the baby on my lap... I had noticed earlier that her newborn sized diapers are getting a little snug and not fitting well in the back anymore. You might see where this is going... She peed on my lap.

Moral of the story: don't eat jalapeno cheeseburgers while breastfeeding (may cause vomiting), cats don't tolerate hamburger meat, put your baby in proper-size diapers, and do your kegel exercises!!!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Pumping Success

Last night went better, Paisley slept from 9 pm until 3 am. Unfortunately, I didn't go to bed until 11 since I was sure she'd wake up for another feeding. And trying to wake this little sleeping beauty up to eat is next to impossible. She can even sleep through a bath and never minds a diaper change. Already as stubborn as her dad!

Tonight I got a 3-hour nap which felt amazing. I think I could have stayed asleep another 10 hours without waking up. Which is great because princess has been konked out most of the evening which could spell disaster for our overnight hours!

Mainly, I wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful encouragement you all gave me about my emotional breakdown. It really hasn't been all that bad, but when I get tired- I'm a little irrational. Sleep has always been one of my favorite things and Paisley just doesn't agree with me on when it should happen. I miss going to bed when Aaron does and I really miss long, uninterrupted sleep. Those were the days...

Also, I pumped 5 ounces after feeding her this morning!!! I was super excited about it, since 4 was the most I'd pumped before and I usually only get 2-3 ounces. I'm not trying to stockpile milk quite yet, but when I wake up I feel like my breasts are literally trying to explode. She can only nurse so much, then I have to get rid of the rest. Also, does anyone else get a sharp, electrical like feeling that shoots through your nipples when it's time for baby to eat? Sometimes it happens in the side I'm not feeding her on while I'm nursing. I'm not a big fan of it, but luckily it passes quickly.

Hoping for a good night's sleep!!!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What does it feel like to sleep?

Time to get real here and talk about the not-so-pretty-side of having a newborn for me. Let me start the whole post by saying that I love Paisley more than I ever knew I could love anyone and I wouldn't trade her for the world. And that 90% of the time, I'm ecstatic to be a mom. It's that other 10% that has kicked me in the hiney. And that's what I need to talk about.

The moment she was born, everything changed drastically. My entire life took on a whole new meaning. I knew this would happen, but what I didn't know was how much it could change. I kinda feel like I'm living in a bubble right now. Not quite myself, but I can see the outline of my "old" life. I see the bed I napped in, the tub I used to take long baths in, and the yard where I used to hang out with my dogs.

Now, I barely have time to take a shower every other day or so. I have attempted to take a bath and she always decides that it's a good time to eat again even if she's just eaten 20 minutes before. My hair has only been blown-dry once since she came. Imagine how cute I look with my wild curly hair... I have actually learned to get dressed and pee while holding her. She loves to play on a blanket if she's awake. It immediately wakes her up if I lay her down while asleep. Her feeding schedule is haywire. Sometimes it's every 3 hours, but often it's every hour.

She loves her momma and will commonly fall asleep at the "booby buffet" just because she's comforted by me. This melts my heart and I wouldn't trade it, but it sure makes it hard to get things done. I am blessed to have a baby that eats well and is putting on weight. She is very happy and rarely cries except to eat.

What most of this boils down to is sleep-deprivation. I'm tired. She's content with sleeping in one hour blocks whenever she decides. But 8 one-hour catnaps does not equal a restful night of sleep. And even if you throw a 3-hour stretch in there, it still leaves me wanting more.

The night before last, she slept 4 hours at a time and I actually felt human. Then last night she was up A LOT. I broke down and nearly ordered some books on parenting in the middle of the night to have shipped STAT to our house. Then I realized that I wouldn't even have time to read them right now. So I just settled with watching several episodes of Bringing Home Baby which makes me feel less crazy.

The crying is ridiculous and unpredictable. It's happened 4 times for no reason and makes me so mad at myself. How can I possibly cry during such a wonderful time in our lives? She's a huge blessing and I feel so guilty. I know hormones and sleep deprivation can make you crazy, but I'm sure ready to feel like myself again... I feel terrible about even posting this and will probably delete it out of guilt. But I've always been honest here and feel such great support from you all.



Paisley and I before her first trip to church... she giggled while I was taking communion which was adorable.

One of the 1st family pictures.


On her 1st OSU football gameday

Looking ridiculously cute after a bath

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Two Versions of the Moby Wrap

I decided that I wanted to try the Moby wrap out to see how it would go since Paisley loves to be held and it turns out that it's really tough to do everything one-handed. So, here she is in it.
Aaron first makes fun of it, calling it a "sheet" and then laughs hysterically. He then disappears which I think is a good thing, but returns with his own version of a Moby... He was super proud of himself and guaranteed that his cost a lot less than mine. Clever...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Back to the Infertility Clinic

Paisley went to the pediatrician today and weighed 7 pounds, 15 ounces! She's gained 11 ounces in a week and is back to her birthweight and then some. So the pediatrician said I could let her sleep through the night without waking her to eat, which is great news since I already have been... although last night, she still woke up every 3-4 hours to eat. As much as she's eating, I would have been so disappointed if she hadn't gained!

Exciting news in the breastfeeding world... I pumped for the 1st time yesterday and I got 3 ounces! I know it's not record-setting by any means, but I was excited that I could pump anything considering she's eating so frequently. And I pumped again today and got 3 ounces, so hopefully this will increase so I can build up a supply.


She got her 1st "real" bath on Tuesday after her cord fell off, which went really well. She slept through most of it and only cried a little when we took her out. Her dad and I had absolutely no idea what we were doing, so we totally winged it. We put her in the tub before realizing we didn't really have anything to wash her with... there's a steep learning curve to all of this!
This is a picture of Aaron contemplating the situation. We are still trying to figure out what supplies we need and where to start at this point. We worked so hard to get her here that we never bothered to find out what we'd need to do once she arrived. :)

Today was a really special day for us because we went to see our infertility doctor this morning. It was a major reminder of all that we'd been through to get her here and I left feeling even more appreciative for the place we are now. As we parked in that lot, I was reminded of how many times I'd parked my car there before praying that I had the strength to get out and face whatever news we'd get that day. And we walked in the same doors that I had left through in tears after my miscarriage or another failed treatment. And we entered the same waiting room where my heart nearly beat out of my chest waiting for appointments.
In fact, the last time we were in this building was when we had my 6 week ultrasound showing Paisley's heartbeat. My legs felt like lead that day as we entered the building for our appointment. My heart was on the verge of breaking, considering I had just had a miscarriage and felt certain that we'd get more bad news. But it turned out to be the day that everything changed for the best.

I waited outside these doors for the clinic to open many times for my 7:30 appointments. Never in my mind did I imagine that I'd be standing here holding my sweet baby.

This is the incredible doctor who helped us to have our perfect baby girl. He treated us with such compassion and kindness throughout the whole process. He held my hand as I drifted off to sleep before my ovarian drilling. He visited me several times a day and called me more than that during my hospitalization following the surgery. He hugged me and comforted me the day we had the heart-breaking ultrasound from our 1st pregnancy.
And today, we got to celebrate with him...