Time to get real here and talk about the not-so-pretty-side of having a newborn for me. Let me start the whole post by saying that I love Paisley more than I ever knew I could love anyone and I wouldn't trade her for the world. And that 90% of the time, I'm ecstatic to be a mom. It's that other 10% that has kicked me in the hiney. And that's what I need to talk about.
The moment she was born, everything changed drastically. My entire life took on a whole new meaning. I knew this would happen, but what I didn't know was how much it could change. I kinda feel like I'm living in a bubble right now. Not quite myself, but I can see the outline of my "old" life. I see the bed I napped in, the tub I used to take long baths in, and the yard where I used to hang out with my dogs.
Now, I barely have time to take a shower every other day or so. I have attempted to take a bath and she always decides that it's a good time to eat again even if she's just eaten 20 minutes before. My hair has only been blown-dry once since she came. Imagine how cute I look with my wild curly hair... I have actually learned to get dressed and pee while holding her. She loves to play on a blanket if she's awake. It immediately wakes her up if I lay her down while asleep. Her feeding schedule is haywire. Sometimes it's every 3 hours, but often it's every hour.
She loves her momma and will commonly fall asleep at the "booby buffet" just because she's comforted by me. This melts my heart and I wouldn't trade it, but it sure makes it hard to get things done. I am blessed to have a baby that eats well and is putting on weight. She is very happy and rarely cries except to eat.
What most of this boils down to is sleep-deprivation. I'm tired. She's content with sleeping in one hour blocks whenever she decides. But 8 one-hour catnaps does not equal a restful night of sleep. And even if you throw a 3-hour stretch in there, it still leaves me wanting more.
The night before last, she slept 4 hours at a time and I actually felt human. Then last night she was up A LOT. I broke down and nearly ordered some books on parenting in the middle of the night to have shipped STAT to our house. Then I realized that I wouldn't even have time to read them right now. So I just settled with watching several episodes of Bringing Home Baby which makes me feel less crazy.
The crying is ridiculous and unpredictable. It's happened 4 times for no reason and makes me so mad at myself. How can I possibly cry during such a wonderful time in our lives? She's a huge blessing and I feel so guilty. I know hormones and sleep deprivation can make you crazy, but I'm sure ready to feel like myself again... I feel terrible about even posting this and will probably delete it out of guilt. But I've always been honest here and feel such great support from you all.
Paisley and I before her first trip to church... she giggled while I was taking communion which was adorable.
One of the 1st family pictures.
On her 1st OSU football gameday
Looking ridiculously cute after a bath
The moment she was born, everything changed drastically. My entire life took on a whole new meaning. I knew this would happen, but what I didn't know was how much it could change. I kinda feel like I'm living in a bubble right now. Not quite myself, but I can see the outline of my "old" life. I see the bed I napped in, the tub I used to take long baths in, and the yard where I used to hang out with my dogs.
Now, I barely have time to take a shower every other day or so. I have attempted to take a bath and she always decides that it's a good time to eat again even if she's just eaten 20 minutes before. My hair has only been blown-dry once since she came. Imagine how cute I look with my wild curly hair... I have actually learned to get dressed and pee while holding her. She loves to play on a blanket if she's awake. It immediately wakes her up if I lay her down while asleep. Her feeding schedule is haywire. Sometimes it's every 3 hours, but often it's every hour.
She loves her momma and will commonly fall asleep at the "booby buffet" just because she's comforted by me. This melts my heart and I wouldn't trade it, but it sure makes it hard to get things done. I am blessed to have a baby that eats well and is putting on weight. She is very happy and rarely cries except to eat.
What most of this boils down to is sleep-deprivation. I'm tired. She's content with sleeping in one hour blocks whenever she decides. But 8 one-hour catnaps does not equal a restful night of sleep. And even if you throw a 3-hour stretch in there, it still leaves me wanting more.
The night before last, she slept 4 hours at a time and I actually felt human. Then last night she was up A LOT. I broke down and nearly ordered some books on parenting in the middle of the night to have shipped STAT to our house. Then I realized that I wouldn't even have time to read them right now. So I just settled with watching several episodes of Bringing Home Baby which makes me feel less crazy.
The crying is ridiculous and unpredictable. It's happened 4 times for no reason and makes me so mad at myself. How can I possibly cry during such a wonderful time in our lives? She's a huge blessing and I feel so guilty. I know hormones and sleep deprivation can make you crazy, but I'm sure ready to feel like myself again... I feel terrible about even posting this and will probably delete it out of guilt. But I've always been honest here and feel such great support from you all.
Paisley and I before her first trip to church... she giggled while I was taking communion which was adorable.
One of the 1st family pictures.
On her 1st OSU football gameday Looking ridiculously cute after a bath
Amber! Don't be hard on yourself about the crying! I've found that the 3 times I really broke down were when I had zero sleep..it's impossible to avoid that sort of thing, and right now it's totally normal. I'm sorry you're having a tough time...I can totally relate, and hope it gets better and you two get a nice sleep routine going soon. Zachary is a "nipple napper" too, which is frustrating because I'd like him to be more efficient at the boob...but what can I do? This too shall pass. Your pics are adorable!!!
ReplyDeleteI barely remember the first two-three weeks. I do know there were days I didn't brush my teeth until noon or later. Showers were hard to come by, but I pretty much cried every time I took one. I think that was some kind of emotional release for me. Don't worry we all feel crazy with newborns & so incredibly happy at the same time! Hang in there, it gets so much easier!
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog and you give me hope!! So nice to hear when people who have gone through so many struggles (like i have) end up with a perfect little baby in the end! Congratulations!!
ReplyDeleteit will get easier! and for goodness sakes, husbands were invented for a reason! make him entertain paisley so you can get a shower at least once per day and have "me time"!!!! daily showers WILL make you feel better guaranteed! and then MAKE him give you a massage!!! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are normal! And, sleep deprivation can make everything feel like crazy world! I definitely recommend reading Babywise. It helped us so much. You will not agree w/everything in it but it can help you figure out a great schedule. Piper really thrived on the schedule we followed from the book! She was sleeping through the night by 2 months! That's why I highly recommend it! But, hang in there! It gets so much easier and better!!
ReplyDeleteAmber...you poor thing! Don't feel bad about this post at all!! I went through the same thing...tearful meltdowns...ugh they're the worst when all we want to feel is grateful for our sweet little newborn!! Sleep deprivation is definitely the culprit!! Hang in there I KNOW it will get easier!!
ReplyDeleteI always LOVE your pictures...and you're looking amazing so soon after having a baby!!!!
Paisley is lucky to have such a good mother!!!!XOX
Oh Amber. I so remember feeling the exact same way. In fact, I vividly remember the day I realized it was all permanent and nearly had a panic attack. And then, I cried because I felt so guilty for crying because it was all so permanent!!!
ReplyDeleteNow that Jackson is a rambunctious, oh-so-ornery, 15 month old, I can safely assure you this sleep deprived insanity we call Early Motherhood will morph into a brand new beast. A beast that throws food and screams at Elmo. And you will handle this beast because you will finally be sleeping for at least 6 hours stretches again.
I didn't post on my blog for a few weeks after having Jack and when I finally did it felt so cathartic. Write away girl. It will only remind you later what you are overcoming gracefully today.
Love you! AND...I absolutely can not wait to see you and hug you next week!!!
I'm sorry that you're having a rough time Amber - I'm sure it will get better and once you're doing better I'll have the same meltdowns because I'll be in your shoes! I also recommend reading Babywise if you can. Obviously I haven't had experience of it working or not but it was recommended to me to hopefully set up a routine for our baby girl when she arrives. Like Shelley said, there probably will be things you don't agree with but it does give good options, things to try, etc in establishing a routine of feeding, wake time, and sleep. I hope things get better soon! Can't wait to see you all again - hopefully to meet our baby girl!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty about this stuff. It sounds like you're doing a great job and hopefully your little girl will settle into more of a routine with longer naps soon. As for the crying, I get that already and my little guy hasn't even been born yet! Blame it on the hormones and sleep deprivation. You're doing great!
ReplyDeleteFeel no guilt!!! You know that everything you're feeling is NORMAL. (easy for me to say, right? why can't we ever take our own advice??)
ReplyDeleteSleep deprivation alone will make anyone crazy and then throw in the hormones and the fact that everything in your life has changed? No guilt.
Reading this makes me feel so much better about my major UPS and DOWNS. Thank you!!
Don't feel guilty at all! First off as the others said its completey normal. But second, big huge kudos to you for posting about this and being honest about it so that other women can read it and feel less alone. As someone who is in a similar situation as you know, its hard to balance all the different feelings. Thank you for having the guts to say its normal to want something so bad and still find it hard. Thats what parenting is about! Thank you, thank you, thank you! And PS - you look great in the pics!
ReplyDelete"JaspersMum"
I think what you're going through is EXACTLY how I'm going to feel. I love sleep, and I get cranky and snippy when I don't get enough. Everything seems so much worse and so much more dramatic when I'm exhausted. I know hubby is very, very afraid of (me) how we'll survive this time.
ReplyDelete