Of course I'm having a rough week. Not a good way to start a Monday finding out your only pregnancy in 15 months isn't going to work out. And even better- that my body isn't clever enough to figure it out. Awesome.
But to make matters worse, I started feeling better yesterday. Strange that I'd all of a sudden feel the clouds lifting. And that's when it hit me- I'm hopeful. I'm praying for that once in a lifetime, never going to happen, we've never documented something like this kind-of miracle that my baby is actually fine. "Woops, we were wrong on Monday. Yeah, I know we've looked at a gazillion ultrasounds and this is our specialty, but you really fooled us. "
I know deep down how things will really go and I know how I'm going to leave feeling. But it's so hard to realize something is wrong when I have had NO bad symptoms. My stupid little uterus is just ticking along like it's actually doing something productive. In reality, it's just nourishing an empty placenta. Stupid uterus. I guess at least it's persistent. It doesn't just give up.
Aaron and I went to Stillwater yesterday to hang out for the day and it was great. We laughed and joked around and just enjoyed being together. We were just a normal couple having a good day. And I love him so much for giving me that. And for never faulting me for any of this. He has stood beside me 100% even though I know it hurts him too. I've never loved him more than I do right now. And he's the sole reason that I will try again. I will make him a dad.
In conclusion, infertility still stucks. Now my good friend, Hope, also sucks. We've officially destroyed the possibility of either of us becoming a parent before the age of 30. And I'm about to have to look at another dismal ultrasound tomorrow and then talk about our "options". What a spit-in-your-face, kick-you-in-the-kneecap, call-you-a-turdbucket kind of week...
But to make matters worse, I started feeling better yesterday. Strange that I'd all of a sudden feel the clouds lifting. And that's when it hit me- I'm hopeful. I'm praying for that once in a lifetime, never going to happen, we've never documented something like this kind-of miracle that my baby is actually fine. "Woops, we were wrong on Monday. Yeah, I know we've looked at a gazillion ultrasounds and this is our specialty, but you really fooled us. "
I know deep down how things will really go and I know how I'm going to leave feeling. But it's so hard to realize something is wrong when I have had NO bad symptoms. My stupid little uterus is just ticking along like it's actually doing something productive. In reality, it's just nourishing an empty placenta. Stupid uterus. I guess at least it's persistent. It doesn't just give up.
Aaron and I went to Stillwater yesterday to hang out for the day and it was great. We laughed and joked around and just enjoyed being together. We were just a normal couple having a good day. And I love him so much for giving me that. And for never faulting me for any of this. He has stood beside me 100% even though I know it hurts him too. I've never loved him more than I do right now. And he's the sole reason that I will try again. I will make him a dad.
In conclusion, infertility still stucks. Now my good friend, Hope, also sucks. We've officially destroyed the possibility of either of us becoming a parent before the age of 30. And I'm about to have to look at another dismal ultrasound tomorrow and then talk about our "options". What a spit-in-your-face, kick-you-in-the-kneecap, call-you-a-turdbucket kind of week...
You both are still in my prayers. Call me if you need anything or just to talk.
ReplyDeleteOh girl, I am so with you on the 30 thing. I will be turning the dirty thirty next Monday, and *hoped* I'd at least be preggers by then, if not a mommy. Sounds like you have an awesome husband. If this journey does anything to us, it makes us appreciate those men in our lives and want more than anything to see them as dads. Hugs to you and your unproductive uterus!
ReplyDeleteI have an award for you. I hope your dr. has some answers for you!
ReplyDeletebabyparamore.blogspot.com
I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. :( I will definitely keep you in my prayers...hang in there. :)
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