Smiling Through the Rain

I've had several blog friends have babies lately and it has brought me back to when I was due with Paisley.  You have so many thoughts, hopes, worries and expectations about the biggest day of your life.  Everyone tells you what to prepare for and what to bring to the hospital (turns out I needed a nanny and lots of vaginal ice packs) and of course shares their own horror stories as if that will help you somehow.  And many girls make out detailed birth plans with every aspect of a birth planned out to a T. But babies don't read birth plans (or sleep books for that matter).  They come when they want as if due dates mean nothing to them.  I mean, are they not following our countdown calendars?  I was just trying to get some extra sleep on a Saturday morning when Paisley woke me up with gut-wrenching contractions.  Not my plan. And I know so many girls who are forever disappointed that they had a c-section and didn't get to experience natura...

The holidays were so enjoyable this year!  I cannot believe how much more fun things are now that Paisley is here to share them with.  The enthusiasm she brings to life is just infectious!  She opened gifts very slowly and meticulously, and then just wanted to play with whatever it was.  I'd have to encourage her to move on to the next one.  She got lots of great new toys to play with!  And I actually love the new stuff too!!! Even better, my "biological father" and "Mother Trucker" didn't show up for Christmas which made things perfect!  The family was able to really enjoy each other without worrying about any drama.  Other than the normal silly stuff my family always manages on creating!  I'll update more later, just wanted you all to know that we're still here!  Just enjoying the holidays and time together.  :)

Paisley absolutely loved TV when she was a newborn.  She'd crane that head all the way around like an owl to sneak a peek of whatever was on.  Even if it was something sucky like golf.  I think she owes all of her neck muscle strength to this!  It was one of the only ways to get a minute or two to rush around getting things done before she required our undivided attention again.  Then she could ignore it no matter what show was on.  It could be at the highest volume showing crazy bright colors and blaring music and she'd go on about her business like it didn't exist.  She's actually really good at being "selective" already.  What she hears, what she's able/wlling to do, what she likes/dislikes... Until about a month ago when she discovered her 1st true love.  The Bubble Guppies.  It's a show on Nickelodeon about fish.  And she loves it.  She will sit and watch an entire 30-minute show.  Which is great for us becau...

My husband and I own a vet clinic for those who don't already know.  And we bring Paisley with us to work everyday.  My office is set up for her as a play room, so it hardly looks professional at all.  I have alphabet floor mats, stuffed animals, a little bed for her, diapers, and toys galore.  And then shoved in "my corner", I have all of our important tax papers, payroll stuff, etc.  Seems fair enough. This has been an amazing situation.  We've gotten to both spend lots of time with our little girl as she's gotten bigger and her love for animals has just blossomed.  Currently we have a stray cat that we found in a dumpster that she adores.  He lets her love on him like crazy, carry him around, and squeeze him.  Perfect friendship.  Hanging out with one of her best friends (also one of our employees)  Playing in her stray kitty's cage Our clients also love seeing her.  They've gotten to watch her grow up and it's so sweet h...

Giving Santa her wish list Watching the fish at Bass Pro Doing art and crafts at Bass Pro after her picture

You all had tons of great suggestions, and even better- sympathy - for our current sleep debacle.   Here's what we may have figured out.  I fed her more during the entire day the past 2 days and she has slept good the past 2 nights.  In fact, Monday morning she woke up at 6 but after a sippy cup of milk, she slept in my bed until 9:00.  I could of swore it was Christmas morning.  :) And as far as questions about naps ruining her sleep at night, I think we can rest assured that naps are not the problem.  She only takes one ever and it typically is about an hour long.  On a good day.  I'm pretty sure that she'll have outgrown naps by the time she's 2. And as for putting her down earlier and us going to bed earlier, problem is that she doesn't fall asleep until about 10 now and wakes up at about 7 normally (prior to our current issue).  So, we already didn't get any adult time at night and I have been getting ready for work...

Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows that sleep has been a battle in this house.  I cringe every single time I have to hear the phrase, "my baby slept through the night from the first night at home."  I try to imagine that these people are pathological liars and that babies like that have as much likelihood of existing as unicorns.  But I think maybe some people really are that lucky.  And I also think that until you have a baby who requires next to no sleep that you'll never know true sleep deprivation. So you might guess that when Paisley finally started sleeping 8 hours straight, I felt like I'd won the lottery.  After all, she was like 8 months old.  And even then, we'd go through periods of waking up again for a while.  But things have been solid for about 3-4 months now so I crossed that obstacle off our list. Until 2-3 weeks ago when she suddenly remembered that she likes to wake up in the middle of the night....

It just isn't the holidays if my idiotic bio-dad doesn't show up with his trashy wife and wreak havoc at my Grandma's house... I've described him as the " black sheep " of the family on this blog before and I can't reiterate enough how I think this term was actually invented specifically for him.  He seems to have made it his life's goal to prove that he is the black sheep every chance he gets. Thanksgiving morning we always go out to my Grandma's house, including my mom even though she and my dad have been divorced 30 years.  She is definitely more welcome than he is.  This was the 1st year without my Grandpa so that was tough, and everyone was on their best behavior.  It's a huge family with tons of cousins and lots of great-grandkids.  It's always been my favorite place to celebrate the holidays.  Of course, we have little family fights.  One year, it was over the gravy.  Another it was about gloves. But then Black Sheep and Mother...

Normally, I'm what people would refer to as a Scrooge.  The holidays have, for the most part, really gotten on my nerves and even caused anxiety attacks.  The biggest culprits being Christmas and Thanksgiving. Because with all that said, I L-O-V-E Halloween.  And I can tell you what the big difference is.  Christmas and Thanksgiving are very traditional, rigid holidays with a lot of strings attached.  Compared to Halloween, which is just fun and easy-going.  I usually vomit when I hear carols playing in stores starting in September, and cringe when I hear a countdown to Christmas.  Turkey and its fixings are just okay in my book (I'd pick mexican food anyday) since they're kinda bland.  The weather is turning cold and crappy.  And I get a little weird about opening gifts in front of others.  Oh, and I hate shopping for gifts to give unless I know exactly what they want.  The only good thing about this time of year was Ch...

After numerous facebook messages, texts, and comments left by my very sweet and loyal followers, I've decided that this blog must go on.  You all reminded me that even if people don't comment very often, it doesn't mean that they no longer read my updates.  Apparently some people like to follow my boring, pretty predictable life.  And let's face it, I really do love writing.   Even if no one reads it. So, it's going to just have to fit in the schedule.  No more half-assing it.  I need to be better about commenting on others' posts and updating more frequently.   Because this blog truly has been my lifeline during the hardest times of my life and you are amazing friends who deserve better.  Who knows what life may hand me next.  I may just need you all again.  Since I'm back from retirement already (sure was a lovely break), I had a comment about baby #2.  Good question .  How about you all...

This blog has been my source of comfort, friendship and support for almost 3 years now.  I started it during my painful infertility battle just on the verge of undergoing my ovarian drilling which ended up being a success.  I've celebrated with you all, cried with you all, and prayed for my readers who were going through similar heartbreak.   I've even looked forward to returning from vacations so that I could check my blogger again for updates on my friends who were expecting good news soon.  This blog has been everything to me.  It's amazing how many women I've connected to that I would never have met otherwise.  No one can help you through a tough time like someone who has been there or who is currently there too.  I swear my miscarriage would have killed me if I hadn't had such compassionate readers offering amazing words of strength and hope.  And I'm so grateful that I've had that kind of support. But most of my long-time blog...

Paisley had lots of pictures taken of her on the cruise and actually enjoyed it!  She didn't burst into tears once, and doesn't appear to be suffering from PTSD now.  :)   Of course, she didn't stay still for any of the pictures, but the photographers did a great job of capturing action shots! This was a bridge on the main floor of the cruise ship that Paisley loved to run across! As you can see from her less-than-thrilled expression, she'd rather be running loose than have me hold her. This was a crowd favorite.  Tons of other passengers stopped to watch this shoot, because she was being adorable! We didn't pose any of these shots, she just played and they took pictures.  Worked so much better. Running like crazy across her favorite bridge She adored the DreamWorks characters.  The other kids were all terrified, so she got to spend a lot of time hugging on them. They just heaped all the props up together and she l...

Paisley has now been on 10 flights and we have only had one near meltdown which I described several posts ago.  And I was kinda on the verge of having my own at that point, so I understand where she was coming from.  Lots of you have asked me to share how I keep her happy and what I take with us to make flying a pleasant experience.   I'm certainly no expert and mostly I just wing it when it comes to parenting.   But this girl LOVES to travel and I was determined to not let a baby slow us down.  As far as what I take with us on the plane...  I just carry-on a little rolling suitcase that can slide easily under the seat in front of us.  I don't want to stow it overhead because crap up there is essentially useless during the flight!  We also travel with a very lightweight (8 pound) stroller which we check in at the gate.  In her bag, I keep our travel documents in the front pocket away from everything else and easily acces...

Sure, I could post about more important things.  But it's late.  I'm exhausted from this stupid time change.  So I want to talk about diapers.  Or I should say the lack thereof. Packing for myself and a one-year-old in a single suitcase is difficult.  Kinda like working a rubik's cube. I have to plan very precisely for exactly what we'll need for an entire week for both of us.  And diapers take up a bunch of room in that tiny space.  So I must have done the math a bit wrong when deciding how many diapers we'd need for 7 nights, because I decided that 34 would be plenty .  In my defense, I also packed about 10 swim diapers since we'd obviously be spending a lot of time in the water.  What I didn't account for was that due to all the amazing cruise food, including a ton of delicious fruit, my child pooped about 3 times a day.  And peed WAY more than usual, resulting in a diaper change at least every 2-3 hours.   Now, no...

We are home from our cruise and we had a wonderful time!  I have SOOO much to catch up on, so I'm planning on posting a blog a day for a while.  We'll see if my motivation can hold up with this stupid daylight- savings-time-nonsense that is making me comatose by 7 pm... Relaxing on a hammock in Haiti Paisley was remarkably good.  The flights all went well again with the exception of one "incident".  It was our last flight coming home and we'd been traveling all day.  The plane was hot, Paisley was tired and I had to sit by a stranger in a very tiny seat meant for a dwarf.   The crisis began when we had delays due to the airline "overbooking" the flight.   How this is possible I still don't get.  But they kept asking for volunteers to take a later flight and we kept waiting to leave.  So, Paisley had a meltdown. My worst nightmare. Luckily, it only lasted about 2 minutes.   Sadly, it felt like 4 hours.  An...

I'm about to make a really lame excuse for not blogging the past week and a half, and you can feel free to judge me all you want for it.  :)  Because it's not that the past week has been busy, but this upcoming one will be and I've been concentrating on that.  You know, doing mental checklists of everything I need to get done to prepare while not actually doing anything at all to get it done.  This week I have my annual PA conference and I'll be gone to Tulsa Tuesday night through Thursday, which I'm super excited about.  It's great to see all of my classmates and this year, it will be nice to have a small break from my normal responsibilities.  Plus, I LOVE staying in hotels.  Especially ones with pools.  :) Then, one of my college friends will be in Friday night so we're having dinner with him (he was a bridesmaid in my wedding) and his fiance.  And after that, we leave for our cruise on Sunday!!!   We're going to Jamaica, H...

I'm delayed in adding these 1st year photos because she didn't do quite as well as we'd hoped! You might notice a complete lack of smile, or even personality in general.  :) She liked this chair.  It was the only thing she liked. Great shot of her adorable tutu. Beautiful face.  Even if she does hate taking pictures. At least she put some effort into this one with the finger.  I'm surprised she didn't use the middle one! I love the colors of this picture even if she is a bit put off by being in it. Picture taking is NOT fun for this family.  Paisley hates it.  So much that we have left with a child in tears and adults having panic attacks.  And it doesn't matter if we take her to a portrait studio or outdoors (like we did here), she just doesn't want to be herself for pictures.  And most of the time, she cries.  So, enjoy these.  They are most definitely the last professional photos that we'll have done fo...

I have to admit that I've been a terrible blogger since Paisley was born.  She definitely consumes a HUGE part of my day and then I like to enjoy my free time ( aka: 5 minutes ) by taking a rapid bath, brushing my teeth, eating, picking up toys, etc.   But I still love to follow everyone's blogs!  My problem is that alot of my blog friends have stopped writing altogether since having their own babies.  So, I'm on the lookout for some new blogs to follow. I love to follow some that also have babies so I can relate and get advice.  I love having others where a baby just hasn't happened yet.  Those are the most important to me so that I can remind myself every day how lucky I am to have Paisley and to encourage someone who may need it.  And there's nothing more exciting than a pregnancy announcement! So, if I'm not already a follower, leave me a comment.  I'd love to start stalking following you!  :)

This week I started back to the gym.  Or I should say that I tried to start back.   But you might remember that Miss Paisley never much liked the gym nursery.  She'd always decide to need to nurse or poop every time I'd put her in there.  Which always resulted in me getting drug away from my exercise class or machine to tend to her.  While disgustingly sweaty and with a heartrate of 160. But it's been 3 months.  She's much more confident these days and doesn't mind strangers at all.  I know she loves playing with other kids and can walk around now.  So, this was going to be much better.  Let's face it, the milk factory shut down 5 months ago and she poops like once a day.  Surely we could make it through a step class. The dropping off part was easy.  She actually took off across the room and began playing with a toy like it was the coolest thing she'd ever seen even though it's one we have at home that she ignores.  F...

Baby fever .  Girls always talk about it.  Especially when they see a tiny newborn outfit or hold a baby in the hospital or realize that their own kids are getting big.   But I have to admit that I just don't get it .  I remember when my friends told me they were pregnant before we even thought of trying and I was so disappointed.  Not because I was jealous, but because I was so not there yet.  Of course I was happy for them, but no baby fever set in.  Baby showers never pulled on my heart-strings and I wasn't one to "ooh" and "aah" over stranger's babies.  Just not my thing.  Kind of like Tupperware parties or musicals. Now, when I was at my low point in trying, I felt tremendous sadness at the sight of anything baby.  A poopy diaper at that point would have made me cry.  Now it's usually the smell that makes me tear up.  :) But to be quite honest, I did not looooove the baby phase.  I didn't love th...

Life around here is getting back to normal.  Aaron went back to work and has been able to do surgery without paralysis in his arms.  :)   Definitely a positive for the animal he's operating on...   Miss Paisley has been running all over the house, clinic, baby gym, mall, grocery store, etc.   Her tiny little legs NEVER. STOP.MOVING.  It's actually amazing.  I wonder how she isn't sore the next day from the high mileage she puts on them.  And I realized several things this week.  1.) She doesn't get into things .  I still haven't baby-proofed anything in our house with the exception of the plug-in protectors.  And let's face it, I'm just not willing to risk it with electricity and my only child.   2.)  She's really happy .  Many days, we go without any tears or fits.  She smiles a lot and laughs hysterically when we play peek-a-boo, if a cat or dog licks her feet or face (yep, we let the...

I sometimes wonder why I don't have time in the day to blog for 15 minutes.  And then I upload our pictures from the month and remember that this little princess of mine keeps me SUPER busy!!!   Here's what Paisley's been up to these days: Learning to drive her car, which was a 1st birthday present from her Grandma.  She fills the trunk of it with her bracelets and necklaces! Posing for the camera- don't let her fool you.  She's a diva! Cheering on her Cowboys! Helping daddy with a raccoon spay at work Eating corn on the cob at the state fair (Look- no hands!!!) Picking apples at the state fair Cheesing for the camera right before we tried to take professional photos for the 2nd time.  This smile quickly turned to tears when we went into the studio...  :( Playing at Gymboree Laughing like crazy at Gymboree Again, Gymboree.  We have LOTS of fun here! I apologize once again for being such an absentee blogger....

Aaron and I spent our first two nights away from Paisley this week.  Unfortunately, it entailed Aaron being hospitalized and me sleeping on a cot while nurses came in all hours of the night.  Maybe you'd like more of an explanation... Aaron had a NASTY virus starting Friday night which caused high fevers (over 103 while taking tylenol), chills, extreme fatigue, etc.  You know, the good old flu type symptoms.   He was better enough by Monday morning that he went to work but had the other vet do the surgeries.  While his flu-like symptoms were getting better, his muscle aches and weakness were getting worse.  Not normal. He realized that he couldn't even write with a pen due to tremors in his hands.  We thought about it for a while that evening and finally decided that we were worried enough to go to the ER.  Which we NEVER do.  The only other time we went was when my uterus tried to rot out following my ovarian drilling.  Lucki...

Today, I did something I never ever thought I'd do again.  I called my RE's office and scheduled an appointment.  My heart was racing and I felt like I was choking back tears as the phone rang.  I actually felt dizzy when I heard the sweet voice answer, "Center for Reproductive Health".  Amazing how different this feels from the first time around.  I was naive and ignorant and excited about starting my family.  Sure I'd been told that things weren't normal and deep down I knew that.  But I had NO idea what pain would follow nor what great lengths we would go to for a baby.  However, I was also unaware that it would all be worth it once I got my perfect baby. I'm committing myself to this again.   I've been charting my basal body temperatures again this month,  started OPK's today (CD 13, but since my cycles are freakishly long now I'm sure I haven't missed it), and I'll be seeing my favorite doctor in the world next Wednes...

Crap.   My approval to see Dr. Haas came in the mail today.  I totally expected them to deny it.  He's not a covered provider anymore.  And I should be excited but this is REAL now. I can call his office and make an appointment.  Anytime.  And then I'll admit that once again I'm not normal and drag myself into his clinic to hear whatever kind of crazy bad news he has to say in his compassionate way.   The first time around, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I'm not quite so blissfully naive now. And I have my beautiful angel.  What am I really willing to do for another?  I definitely don't want to take any time or money away from Paisley.  And maybe we're not ready for another baby anyways.  Maybe I never will be. But what if I regret it if I never try again?  There's enough doubt in my mind that I'm not certain.  There are several reasons that I can't wait on this forever.  One :  m...

Day 40 brought AF knocking on my door again, which is exactly when it's started every month since I weaned Paisley.  Yay for consistency.  Boo for not even coming close to falling in the "regular range".  And if you're wondering why I haven't blogged in over a week, it's because it nearly killed me.  (And my marriage.)   The cramping was terrible, my bloating made me consider pulling out my maternity clothes, I was sleeping more hours in a day than I was awake, and my mood was horrendous.  Like clomid horrendous .  Honestly, if they start going this badly from now on, I'm ready to sign up for some good ol' birth control.  A very familiar feeling set in with this cycle and I remembered why I had been on birth control for SO many years.  Because my periods sucked.   And they made me really physically and mentally sick.  Whereas, birth control made things wonderful.  Like rainbows and unico...

My OB's office called to let me know that my stupid HMO which caused me nothing but grief while trying to conceive the 1st time around is still up to the same ol' bullcrap that they're known for.  They no longer refer to Dr. Haas ("not in network") and now use another well-known RE in our area.  I've had friends that have been to The Other Guy and he's probably fine, but he isn't my "miracle worker".  He hasn't held my hand when I lost a baby.  He didn't come visit me three times a day when I was hospitalized.  He didn't caress my forehead as I dozed off for surgery.  And he didn't have a hand in the miracle that is now Paisley.  There's a bond there that just can't be replicated. So, she asked what I wanted her to do and I want to see Dr. Haas.  Period.  Even if insurance denies it (which I'll appeal every single day until I get my way), I will pay to see him.  Which I'll do even if they do approve it beca...

I can't even believe I'm typing this and I'm certainly not ready to say it out loud.  Today, something clicked broke down in my crazy little mind and I forced myself upstairs today at lunch to see my OB/GYN.  If you'll remember, I work in the same building as them when I'm a PA (as opposed to office manager) two days a week.   They are wonderful people who have supported me through all of my journey to get Paisley.  My OB showed up WAY before I delivered and just hung out in the room with us, checking me every two seconds to make sure Paisley didn't deliver herself.  And his nurse practitioner who I consider a good friend spent her Saturday at the hospital so she'd get to welcome my baby into the world. I digress...  Anyway, I talked to my NP about my 40+ day cycles that my body has once again embraced, and the obvious lack of a pregnancy thus far despite the complete absence of birth control.   She feels lik...

I forgot to update you all on our pediatrician visit.  She is weighing in at a whopping 18 pounds, 9 ounces (10th percentile) and is 31 inches long (90th percentile).    I still call her my little supermodel baby but it's so funny because she has such a chubby belly!  We'd swear she was at least 25th percentile!!!  :) The pediatrician wasn't concerned about her change in stools at all.  She said it's common around the walking mark to get what she called "toddler trots".  (Thanks Erica- you were right!)  Apparently their little bodies just get so excited about their newfound independence that they forget to take the time to form solid stools resulting in completely disgusting diapers. Aaron warned her that she'd have to start using the toilet if she was going to poop like a grown-up.  Apparently, she heeded the advice because the day after we went to her appointment, she started firming back up.  YAY!!! And her appetite is in f...

Take this entire post with a grain of salt because my feelings change on a minute-to-minute basis.  Like one minute, when Paisley is snuggling with me and talking sweetly- I say I want another baby.  Then the next minute, when she's throwing herself on the ground having a fit over the fact that I won't let her re-program our TV by playing with the remote and I realize she's got poop coming out of her diaper onto my carpet, I consider calling for a hysterectomy STAT.  But today, an old familiar feeling really set in.  Today is CD 31.  I used to have 29 day cycles when things were "fixed" from my surgery. But I've had more like 40 day cycles since I quit nursing. So, I thought I might as well just take a pregnancy test to make sure that's not what's going on.  Especially since I love to have mango margarita night from time to time.  And strangely, I felt myself hoping that the 2nd line would appear.  The complete absence of a...

Just checking on one of the surgery dogs at the clinic Very serious face.  Usually means she's pooping.  This time I think she was mainly interested in me taking pictures. I LOVE the tip-toes!

Several weeks ago, I went to a local swimming pool/water park with my best friend and her two kids.  And of course Paisley.  I wore one of my favorite bikinis which is brown with white polka dots.  I feel like it's super cute and definitely doesn't scream "soccer mom".  It's not like a one-piece with a skirt, people. Well, lo and behold, someone else at the waterpark had on the exact same bikini .  Which is never good, especially if that someone is way better looking than you.  But in this case, it was even worse than that.  It was an 80-year-old woman.  In my swimsuit.  What is the chance of that happening??? And to make it worse, when I joked about it to my "best friend" ( you know who you are ), she paused when I asked her who looked better!!!   One of the saddest days of my life.  Losing a swimsuit competition to an octogenerian.  :)

This beautiful morning started off with Paisley projectile vomiting all over herself and her carseat this morning.  Not once, but twice.  In the parking lot of the vet clinic.  Very convenient and great for business. I snuck in the side door and hurried her back to my office so that none of our well-meaning clients would try to come over to catch a peek of our "adorable" baby who was currently drenched in the foulest smelling, chunkiest vomit I've ever seen. It was one of those moments where you consider calling 911 because you have no idea how to even start to clean it up.  Luckily, her daddy and one of our vet techs came rushing to my aide considering I was starting to dry-heave from the smell.  We got her washed off in our surgery sink, cleaned her clothes and sprayed out her carseat which I was ready to just throw away.  But, it got me thinking.  Paisley's digestive tract hasn't been quite right lately.  And by lately, I mean severa...

Excited about her gifts FYI:  Cakes start to lean in 100 degree weather. My little mermaid  Looks like a steady stream of urine coming from my baby and I won't promise that it isn't.  Has anyone else noticed that swim diapers do not hold in fluids???  Opening her gifts We had Paisley's 1st birthday party on Sunday at a local waterpark and it was super fun!  Lots of our closest friends and family came to celebrate, even though we did it a week early.  (The waterpark will be closing early now since school goes back, so we bumped it up a week.)   She L-O-V-E-S the water, so she thought the party was awesome.  And she loves other little kiddos, so that was just icing on the cake for her. She is learning SOOO much right now.  Yesterday she decided that she can walk, although we've known she could for months now.  She's just toddling all over the place like she's been doing it forever.  Super c...