Smiling Through the Rain

Hey blog friends, sorry about going M.I.A. on you all. The holidays have kept me plenty busy, so I haven't been around much to blog. I am not typically a holiday type person, but this year Oklahoma decided to have "winter storm 2009" on Christmas Eve. What this meant for my holiday was that I had to go to less houses to celebrate due to bad roads. Awesome! I was able to sleep in, leisurely open presents and then put them away, eat turkey once and actually enjoy it... Our house got a ton of snow and buried all of our Christmas decorations, which apparently our Home Owner's Association (HOA) would have suggested we do with them based on the fact that we didn't win the lighting competition for the 3rd straight year. Our house with all of its snow I thought I'd show you all pictures of the 3 who did win though. We'll start with third place just for fun. I personally feel it's a bit painful to look ...

I promised a post with pictures of our well-lit house (planes actually try to land on it and neighbors can't sleep until we turn our lights off)... This is an overview of the "simple" style we have chosen for our Christmas decorations. We totally live by the motto " less is more ". Now let's break it down by sections so you can truly appreciate the beauty of it all. :) Here you'll see our angel collection next to Santa/Rudolph/snowman/tree. You might notice the little gray rabbit next to Rudolph. Your guess is as good as mine on why he belongs. It's like the Christmas version of Where's Waldo? You might also notice the 8 foot tall Santa inflatable in our front bedroom. He's a little blocked by the North Pole sign in this shot. Next on the tour is our 4 penguins and our carousel. Better view of Santa on this one. Here we have the gingerbread family (hopefully next year we'll need to add a new one...), our soldiers, and our swee...

One of those days just happened. You know the ones. Everything should be fine, but inside you're just a mess. No real good reason, nothing to blame it on, no one to yell at. Just a battle within. And I'm losing. I guess it's mostly just that I'm tired of infertility. Kinda feels like it has conquered me lately. I try to keep control of the situation, but after 19 months of ups and downs, that gets hard. Loneliness and hopelessness settle in, and hope and positivity pack their bags. We'll get back there again. I just need a little time. I'm not sure what I need time for, or if it would really even help. But it sounds good. Stupid holiday season is what's doing this. I wouldn't even put up a tree this year because we should be putting our child's gifts under this year's tree. And we're not. We could have a million gifts and it would still seem empty because in my heart I know what's mising. So I don't want a dumb tree to remind me of th...

I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I made and sent out Christmas cards this year. For those who know me, I'm not really a Christmas-kind-of-gal. Too high-maintenance for me. But something possessed me to download pictures onto a Wal-mart card and actually mail them out. Wow! Next thing you know I'll be baking cookies and hosting parties. Aaron and I chose 7 kids to buy for off the Salvation Army tree this year. We usually choose 2-3 but this year they have a ton of kids due to the economy. So we got a few extra. We have now bought 3 bikes, 2 scooters, clothes, an exersaucer, toys, etc. I'm hoping this brings good karma our direction for the next few months. What goes around comes around. Right? Things are about to get really busy in our world. We have Aaron's work party this Thursday, his extended family on Saturday, his parent's house on Christmas Eve and then my family Christmas Day. Lots of fun, but I'm sure we'll be tired a...

It's amazing how slowly days pass when you're waiting for your period (or hopefully- the lack thereof). I'm in last part of the dreadful 2 week wait. And I can't help but let myself fall into that silly hopeful mode again. I've never, ever believed I was pregnant from any other cycle (especially the one where I was actually pregnant). Not the clomid, or the IUI, or post-surgery. Until now . Now I believe that I am. And it's not because I'm having any justifiable reason to think so, it's just that I can't imagine going any longer without being pregnant again. I miss it so much. And it only gets tougher every month that goes by that I come to terms with the fact that my belly won't get bigger (except from holiday eating) and that we won't be preparing a nursery and that I will be returning for empty uterus ultrasounds if I choose more treatment. I miss the phone calls and e-mails and cards telling us congratulations and seeing how I'm feeli...

I had a question on my previous post asking how big a pygmy goat is. They should weigh around 35-60 pounds. Our little chubby goat weighs more in the summertime when he's chowing down on our grass (we don't have to mow the lawn). His belly always look pregnant and he'll eat almost anything. One of his favorites is dog treats and also plants that we don't want him to eat. And he happens to love dressing up for our Halloween parties. The only problem is that when people try to take pictures with him, he tries to eat their costumes. Hope that answered your question! (This blog is turning to crap when I start talking about pygmy goats)

Last night, my sweet husband spent about 2 hours steam cleaning the carpets in our study. They were drying this morning when we left for church, looking brand-new. You could see the pride in his eyes of a job-well-done. This becomes a very important part of the story I'm about to tell. As many of you know, we have one outside dog, Evie, and a pygmy goat named Chester. Evie and Chester are a little on the hyper side so they don't get to come in the house to play. I actually even worry that somehow they might destroy our backyard. Me with my little Princess Mya and Suspect #1: Evie A picture of Suspect #2: Chester in his halloween costume Somehow while we were away being good people at church, these two little criminals broke into our house. By broke in, I mean that they somehow pushed our door open that goes from the back patio into our bedroom. Maybe one of us failed to shut it tight and obviously didn't lock it. Regardless, we were greeted on our arrival home by a very ...

Of all these months that I've tried to do ovulation predictor tests (for my IUI, clomid cycles, etc)and have been absolutely baffled by the results, I finally got my positive test. In the past, I've done them and thought, " is that line as dark as the control line?" "Am I doing this right?" "It is urine I'm supposed to use on this, right?" Now, I get it. This is what a positive should look like. R is the control line and T is the test line. It's checking the LH (luteinizing hormone) in my body. LH peaks right before ovulation occurs. What you're looking for is the test line to be as dark or darker than the control line. I got this positive yesterday(on CD 16) and then my temp peaked this morning. So, it looks like the egg has been laid... I've done my part. Let fertilization occur. Or not. But for now, I just want to say how happy I am that my surgery worked. We never had a chance at getting pregnant before. I NEVER...

Aaron, me and both our moms went to see New Moon last night. I read the books and always preferred Jacob. It never made any sense to me why Bella would choose Edward. He just seemed so gloomy and serious all the time, while Jacob was fun and kind. However, I solidified my die-hard Jacob status last night watching the movie. Mmmm...mmm....mmmmm. I mean, really , how in the world would you not pick Jacob? Look at him! I can't even give a fair opinion of the movie due to my ridiculous fascination with this guy. I know there are lots of Edward fans out there, but I just can't see the competition... *Note: I was not informed of his underage status until after the movie. Plus, I think any 17- year-old who looks this good is no longer covered under child protective services . Correct me if I'm wrong. *

It may not have been easy, but it could have been worse. The tour of Thanksgiving dinners was survived... We start at my dad's side of the family who live in the country. It's always full of people since I have 13 cousins on that side. My dad was actually there this year and on good behavior which is a rare occasion. The family played horseshoes, checked out Grandpa's new chickens (not kidding), and of course ate turkey. Then we moved on to my mom's side of the family. She was an only child and my grandparents have passed away, so now it's just her aunt, uncle and cousin. My cousin has a 1-year-old so we were able to spend some time with him. At house #2, we discussed how my uncle shot the turkey in the back and we were even shown pictures of the poor turkey we were eating. By this point I am getting extremely full and tired of turkey. House #3: Aaron's family. By far the classiest house we go to on Thanksgiving, we even use china. (The other two house...

Got the "lovely" chance to meet a perfectly nice, new patient today and refer her to an OB since she's 11 weeks pregnant with a perfect baby. Good for her. No really, I am so glad that it only took her 1 month to get pregnant with her 3rd flippin' baby. And that she is "trying" for a boy this time. Thank goooooodness she survived such an ordeal... The holidays are not exactly bringing out the sunshine in me. In fact, I'm having a complete meltdown. I've cried twice this week which is more than I cry some years. And you know what crying does besides making my eyes puffy and my nose run? It makes me mad. I miss my baby. I miss my pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, one of the first things I did was figure out how far along I would be at Thanksgiving. I was about 14 weeks wrong, it turns out. So now what I am is angry. And empty. At a time when I thought I would be so excited. We'd be in the 2nd trimester. We'd be well on our way to m...

Aaron called me on my way to work this morning to ask me if I knew what day it was. This is when sheer panic sets in. The only times I get asked this question is when I've forgotten something pretty huge, like my mom's birthday. (It only happened once and I will NEVER make that mistake again...) And then I realize... November 23rd. The day we became a couple 11 years ago. Wow, 11 years... I had driven up to Stillwater to have dinner with him that night during our 1st year of college. (I moved to Stillwater for my 2nd year to join him.) At this point, most would have thought I was crazy to follow a boy across the state to attend a college I had never considered. But it was the best and most important decision of my whole life. Crazy looking back now at how simple and uncomplicated things were. We were just 18-year-old kids with our whole lives ahead of us. I'm so glad we didn't know then that combined we'd be a reproductive nightmare... What I also didn't see a...

Anyone who knows Aaron and I would say that we are pretty much as different as we can be in many areas. He is more on the quiet side, while I like to tell my business to anyone willing to listen. (Thus, the blog began...) He's very determined and hard-working, while I'm more on the lazy side and will do anything to sneak a nap in. The list could continue forever and you all are free to add your own thoughts in the comment section, but I thought I'd show you two pictures to demonstrate what I mean. I went in to our bedroom the other night and discovered this on my side of the bed. Nope, the bed isn't made up, our decorative pillows are shoved under the bed, and I will guarantee that the dresser needs to be dusted, but notice the floor. Pretty empty, right? But then I made the fatal error of looking on Aaron's side of the bed. And this is what I found: The kicker here is that this is frequently what his side looks like. And those clothes on the bed and floo...

The mall was literally swarming with all things baby tonight. We go to do some unneccessary shopping (retail therapy, as I call it) and I lost count of all the baby bumps, adorable children, and newborns that we saw. It was like women were trying to hit me with their sweet little bellies or run me over with their cutesy strollers or kill me with their picture-perfect families. I get it, people. You can ALL have children and I can't. I just went to the mall to escape!!! It's swine flu season for goodness sake! Did they not get the memo about keeping their babies away from crowds??? Pottery Barn Kids nearly made me lose it. It's like that store is designed to rip me apart at the seams. I do fine with Motherhood Maternity. In fact, I like to joke about how their clothes are designed to make you look stupid when pregnant. But just allow me a glance in the direction of Pottery Barn Kids and I turn into this whimpery, pathetic soul. So, we're back at home. Safe ...

Yep, it's most certainly a period....feeling more like something that is trying to rip my intestines out of my hoo-ha at this point. My cramps are killer, my lower back hurts, I'm nauseated and I might be having some mood swings according to Aaron. (Although I feel like I'm being perfectly pleasant.) *We might need to insert a commercial here for some PMS medication.* So, we're now on Day 2. I'm excited about a new month and a new chance. I'm also worried that I am going to be a tad disappointed (aka: very pissed off) if I don't get pregnant already. So I know the stats are only about 20% get pregnant every month of trying. IF your normal. Which we are NOT . But a girl has to hope. No further news at this time. I will be in the bathtub with a lovely glass (possibly bottle) of wine watching TV, popping Midol like candy. Hope everyone is having a lovely evening!!!

For those who somehow do not enjoy posts about my cycles, please return next time for more pleasant subject matter. Otherwise, feel free to read on... I think I might be starting my period tonight!!! I had one 2 weeks after my D&C which my OB/GYN thought was a bit too early. But now, 28 days later, I am spotting and cramping. It's a little different than usual for me since I'm used to starting first thing in the morning and it's heavier than this. But things might not be the same for a while... Point is, I'm excited than I'm having normal cycles again!!! I've been terrified than I wouldn't ovulate on my own anymore and then I'd be back at square one with those nasty progesterone shots... Thank you ovarian drilling! Several weeks ago, I had a patient come in to the clinic to see me for bleeding during pregnancy. She was a younger girl who didn't plan a pregnancy, but was concerned due to excessive bleeding at 12 weeks gestation. I did a ...

This is my 100 th post on here. I was really hoping it could be something exciting, but I don't have too much to report right now. Just waiting for my 1st real period following my D&C which should arrive early next week. And then we're back to trying... I can't believe I've actually come up with enough to say that I've posted 100 times. I also can't believe that I've had over 10,000 hits to my site or that I have 44 followers now. I feel so incredibly privileged that 44 people actually think that what I write is worth reading... my English teachers would have been so proud. :) This blog was started for simple fun. I thought maybe somebody will read it and maybe even a couple would think it was entertaining. I mainly did it for myself. It feels great to put your feelings down on "paper" and even better to find out that others have felt that way too. What I've found out is that I can't wait to get home to check my comments others have l...

Seriously, I've never been well-endowed. But I was okay with my properly proportioned breasts before. When I got pregnant, "the girls" immediately became much more voluptuous. Kind of like Lynette on Desperate Housewives. Except hers are obviously not really bigger and I didn't wear low-cut shirts all the time to display them. (Which I now regret considering they are gone .) But about 3 days after my D&C, they disappeared. Which sucked. But I thought, well I can live with what I had before. Today, however, I feel like they have nearly disappeared. If things continue at this pace, I won't need to wear a bra by Christmas. I'll just be placing band-aids strategically, especially in cold weather. Great for comfort, not for curves. And they are no longer the same size. I had no idea that my left breast was so unhappy and so quick to bail on me. You can't give a girl a nice instant boob job and then just take it all away along with her pregnancy. I felt lik...

I have never in my life seen a siamese twin strawberry, but I had two in the batch I ate this evening. They tasted delicious, but Aaron questioned the hormones or chemicals used that created such a defect. Uh-oh. What if this affects my fertility??? Maybe I'll grow 100 cysts on each ovary, have high amounts of male hormones, and fail to ovulate unless someone drills 10 holes in each ovary with a laser. (For those who don't know, I'm kidding. Totally already had all of those things happen.) So, I joyfully ate the strawberries. Heck, maybe it'll fix something in there. At this point, pretty sure it isn't going to hurt. :)

We're friends, right? I can totally tell you girls (and some guys who wish to remain private readers because it's apparently embarrassing to read an infertility blog) anything on my mind, can't I? If your answer was "no way" or "I'm not quite comfortable with that", you should probably stop reading now. For the true friends, here goes... So, a realization slammed into me like a mack truck yesterday. When my grandma, cousin, then friend of the family all walked up to me at the funeral and asked when "the little one is due", I had the fleeting idea of answering as if the miscarriage hadn't really happened. I actually wanted to just pretend things are fine, tell them May 22nd was the big day, smile like the proudest expectant mother and maybe even rub my belly for good measure. But that's crazy talk. What in the world is wrong with you, insane girl? Don't worry about me, it's just the infertility talking. You just get...

Today was Kate's memorial service which, of course, was incredibly heart-breaking. Seeing a tiny little casket is completely surreal. Knowing that we will never see her again is hard to imagine. I am glad she will never have to suffer. And I am so thankful that she was brought into our lives. Never will a little one mean so much to me and make such a huge impact in such a short amount of time. Many of our family and friends were there. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. I realized a very important lesson. News of a pregnancy travels like wildfire. News of a miscarriage does not. I can't tell you how many times I was asked today about when I'm due, or congratulated on our baby. And this isn't the first time this has happened. My neighbors congratulated me on Halloween night. And it's so sad to watch their faces go from happy to sad/embarrassed in seconds. They don't realize that I'm okay. Infertility has given me thick skin. They think that they just broke...

I've been trying to complete this post for 3 days now. It's so difficult that I'm going to keep it brief. My cousin, Amee, had identical twin girls on the 4th of July this year. While Marley is completely healthy, Kate was born with a major heart defect. She had open heart surgery at 10 days old and spent 2 months in the hospital. She has been home for the past month and we've been so fortunate to spend a lot of time with her and Marley. (We live about 2 minutes from them.) On Sunday, her heart suddenly stopped and she was taken from us. She was an incredible little girl with a beautiful smile and such a brave spirit. It was just more than she could take. I will never be able to thank my cousin enough for allowing me into Kate's life. She has a permanant place in my heart and will never be forgotten. I feel so much anger and sadness that she won't grow up with Marley. But I'm thankful that we were given the chance to know her and that she won't have to e...

My favorite holiday of the whole year is Halloween. I love the costumes, decorating, parties, scary movies, candy, trick-or-treating, etc. There are no gifts involved and I don't have to see all of our crazy family members. Last year, I did have a minor melt-down while handing out candy because it hit me that I may never have a child to take door to door. Let's hope I do better this year. Sobbing scares away little children. :) We usually have a big Halloween party to celebrate with friends, but due to the month we've had, I chose not to. Now I'm sad about it! I thought I'd include some of our past Halloween pictures. Fred and Wilma Flinstone (we wore these to a freezing cold outdoor party) We were able to survive due to Colby's special party drink he made! Whoopie Cushion and a Paper Doll (mine was made of cardboard) Pinocchio and a Chia Pet (my costume weighed a ton!) I'm still surprised ...

This may not be much of an important post because I don't have that much important stuff to say right now. I'm not saying that I don't have anything to say because let's all face it- I always have something to talk about. And maybe it's never all that important. My doc suggested that maybe I do ovulation tests this month to track things. I thought about it. And decided that I'm gonna pass. I've done ovulation tests plenty of times and get nothing accurate. My body loves nothing more than to confuse me and my docs. And infertility tests just add to the madness. So, no thanks. I give my patients "homework" all the time just to keep them busy. I know it won't make them better, but it distracts them. I'm not falling into that trap... I am, however, watching my temps every now and then. So far, they've been all over the place but they are trending downwards. The other day I even got a 97.2 which is my normal pre-ovulation tem...

Due to popular request, I am giving this update on the two fish convicted of assault and harrassement. They are both still being held in isolation from the other fish. Sheriff Aaron feels that they will learn their lesson and behave. I believe that they are fish and lack the ability to learn a lesson. We'll see who is right... I'd have already flushed them.

Warning: this post may not be suitable for all readers. It contains violence and adult language. The day began like any other. The fish tank was peaceful and it's occupants were happy. Until three adorably fat goldfish decided to move in. Aaron returned to work and left me to ensure their acceptance by the other fish and to make sure they liked their new home. Everything was going well until several hours later... One of the sweet precious little goldfish was being chased and picked on by an ugly, evil fish in the tank. I'll call him Bandit. I was none too happy to see this rude behavior so I thumped the glass several times (which Aaron repeatedly tells me is a big no-no) and called the fish some bad names. It did not deter him. This fish was unstoppable. Granted, Bandit Fish is about 1/4 the size of the sweet angelic goldfish, but with attitude like that, there was no telling what he was capable of. I knew he must be stopped. So with a net and incredible bravery, I caught him...

I went for my 2 weeks post-op today. Dr. D feels that we can start trying again immediately (would have anyways) and that I may actually already be on my period. (When did it become a question of maybe?) I hadn't bled at all since the D&C and then started heavily bleeding last night and today. He feels that it's early for a cycle but that it probably is. After all, my body does not follow the rules. If there's one thing we've come to know, I am NOT normal!!! He suggests I do ovulation tests and track temperatures to watch for ovulation. My worst fear is that this screwed up my "new and improved" cycles. I do not want to go back to amenorrhea and shots of provera. My cheeks are finally not sore letting me sit comfortably. :) I have learned of so many girls that I know who have infertility and/or miscarriage experiences. It's almost like joining a really sucky, exclusive club. We all have different stories and lives and outcomes. But what we share is ...

We had another good weekend. Nothing big to report, just enjoying spending time with family and friends. We went to the OSU-Missouri game on Saturday night. It was a lot of fun and we won!!! It's awesome to have a winning OSU season. I've had to cheer them on through so many "less-than-winning" years, it's a nice change. I go in for my post-op recheck on Thursday and it should be pretty uneventful. I'm just hoping he tells me I can start trying again next month. It's never a good sign when you're supposed to prevent pregnancy while trying to conceive. Kind of a step in the wrong direction. Pretty sure I'm going to try again anyways even if he tries to sit me out of the game. Last week I realized that I've been counting on the chance that I'll get pregnant again right away. I just assumed the quicker I had everything taken care of, the faster I could do it again. I am trying to remind myself that it very likely won't go that ...

I just found an online article in the New York Times titled, "The Gift of Life and it's Price". It's discussing IVF and the costs, risks, etc associated. The media does a fantastic job at casting a terrible light on infertility and the treatments of it. We rarely see the struggle a couple actually went through to become a family, or the medical condition causing the problem. You hear about the costs, the babies who have problems, the octo-mom, overzealous doctors... You miss the part about the couple who is completely financially and emotionally prepared to welcome a child and finds out that they can't without help and maybe not even with. These aren't single, teenage moms who are on welfare. These are your friends, neighbors, and co-workers who would love a child with all their heart and have the resources to care for them. Some of the ignorant comments from readers following the article: "People want miracles, and they want someone else (you an...

So, a moment of insanity washed over me yesterday and I decide that we should go see "Zombieland" last night. (I know, we're in the movie-seeing-mood now that it's getting cold) Weird choice for me seeing that I have about 4 true fears in life: 1.) Being stuck in a room with a lot of children by myself. 2.) Midgets. I know it's ridiculous. Kinda relates to the herd of children thing. 3.) Taco Bueno closing down or getting rid of their mexi-dips and chips. 4.) Zombies and/or the living dead. I love scary movies. The scarier, the better. Except when it includes the living dead. Totally freaks me out and I turn into one of those whiny girls clinging to their date, refusing to look at the screen. So imagine Aaron's surprise and curiosity when I suggest it. I saw the previews and knew there would indeed be zombies. The name itself kinda suggests that there might be. And yet, I thought Woody Harrelson looked funny enough in it to subject myself to the terror that is...

Aaron and I decided to go last night to see Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughn. Well, not with Vince Vaughn, I'm sure he had other plans. I should say "starring". The premise of the movie is that a couple is really contemplating divorce because their marriage is falling apart. Why you ask? Oh, because they've been dealing with infertility for 12 months. Only 12 months... That was when it just started to get bad. Up till then we still had hope. Anyways, I digress... So there I sat through half of the movie, missing the funny parts because I was wondering why we are handling this so well. What makes us immune to the fighting or depression or even divorce? Infertility can wreck your life and it definitely changes your relationships. All of them. We actually know about 4 couples going through divorce right now and none of them really have anything all that bad going on. And they've all been married less time than us. Aaron and I have always been great ...

First of all, the D&C was by far the best idea. I don't even have to think about how things would have went at home. I had NO pain when I woke up, and it was the closest thing I can imagine to just having things "disappear". I had a tiny amount of spotting yesterday right after surgery but have had none since. Awesome! And I feel really good. I actually feel better. Now I realize that I think the pregnancy was making me feel pretty sick. My operating room nurse who took me back to the OR told me that she lost a baby 26 years ago and she still misses that baby even now, especially on her due date. She did go on to have one baby, so she told me to keep hope. I bawled when she told me so she hugged me and the anesthesiologist put me to sleep so quickly through my IV that I don't remember anything else. She was just so kind to acknowledge what I was going through. Funny story: Aaron, my mom and I were in the waiting room with just one other man. He was dres...

I struggled with my decision all night last night and this morning. I called DeLene who is the OB/GYN nurse practitioner and a good friend of mine. We talked things through and decided that I will have the D&C on Wednesday. But to make myself feel absolutely right about it, we're going to repeat the ultrasound right before. I need to gather my strength by seeing inside my uterus one last time. I mean, what if a roaming, homeless little embryo stumbled across my unoccupied gestational sac and thought, "this might be a nice place to stay... for let's say 9 months." Yeah, I know, there won't be a change. It will be one last glimpse at my failed pregnancy. But I need that for closure and to go into this without extra regret. And as much as I dread it, I am ready to put this in the past. I can't look forward to our future with such an obstacle in my path. I appreciate the comments so much. It was pretty much unanimous for having the D&C. It just really hits...

I was given two choices: 1.) Have a D&C to empty out my uterus. 2.) Wait until my body decides to have a "natural" miscarriage. I was hoping for choice #3 being keep this pregnancy and have a baby. Apparently, that wasn't in the cards so then I was hoping for pretend it never happened, have a regular ol' period, and have everything reset to normal. Again, not an option on the table. I immediately decided on D&C. Why wouldn't I want to move on with this? But today, the wheels in my mind started spinning. And now they're spinning out of control. Everytime I've had anything medical done this year, it's turned out bad . From the minute I walked into the infertility clinic, I've received very little good news. Most of the time it's "I'm sorry to tell you...", "This is not what we were wanting to see...", "Looks like you're in the small percentage..." Point is: nothing has worked out easy f...

Raw sushi.... check! Turkey lunchmeat.... check! 7 mango margaritas.... check! I've had a great weekend considering the circumstances. This is the toughest blog I've ever posted considered the large amount of tequila I've consumed this evening with my mom and husband in tow. Nothing like a crapload of margaritas to lift your spirits and numb your sadness. Now it's sleepy time for this girl...

Not a shocker today- my ultrasound showed the same empty sac I had 4 days ago. Maybe it's a little bigger, but still empty. No baby. Even as I emptied my bladder for the transvaginal part of the u/s, I prayed so hard that he would find a baby with a heartbeat. Maybe you shouldn't pray on the toilet? My doc was called out to deliver twins (not only do they get to have twins, but they do it during my appt time...) so I saw his nurse practitioner who I love. She's getting me set up for the D&C next week. Hopefully she'll call me with a time soon. Then Dr. Dachaeur will be calling to talk to me about everything. Thanks again for the positive comments, e-mails, cards, phone calls... You are the most amazing group of people ever! This would be so much harder without the encouragement. I'm going to go eat lots of raw sushi and have some mango margaritas this weekend. Wish I could find a rollercoaster and a horse to ride. Kinda chilly for waterskiing. But I'm back ...

Of course I'm having a rough week. Not a good way to start a Monday finding out your only pregnancy in 15 months isn't going to work out. And even better- that my body isn't clever enough to figure it out. Awesome. But to make matters worse, I started feeling better yesterday. Strange that I'd all of a sudden feel the clouds lifting. And that's when it hit me- I'm hopeful . I'm praying for that once in a lifetime, never going to happen, we've never documented something like this kind-of miracle that my baby is actually fine. "Woops, we were wrong on Monday. Yeah, I know we've looked at a gazillion ultrasounds and this is our specialty , but you really fooled us. " I know deep down how things will really go and I know how I'm going to leave feeling. But it's so hard to realize something is wrong when I have had NO bad symptoms. My stupid little uterus is just ticking along like it's actually doing something productive. In realit...

Yesterday I was numb with shock and disbelief. I saw patients which kept me from being able to feel everything. As soon as I was alone, I fell apart. The reality of it all hit me like a hurricane. And I know grief is part of this, but I thought I'd handle it all better. Today, I woke up knowing that my world was changed. The smile that has graced my face every morning since I found out is now gone. I had gotten used to reaching down to touch my slightly protruding belly throughout the day, but now I avoid even looking at it. It's like a cruel reminder that although my body still thinks it's pregnant, it's all over. I know everyone is trying to be helpful with all of the encouragement, but right now it just doesn't help. I don't feel comfort in knowing that "at least I got pregnant", or "next time it will work out", or that "there was probably something wrong with the baby." It might never work out. I know it and anyone el...

We went in today expecting to see our baby's heartbeat. It was supposed to be the greatest day of my life. Walking into the infertility clinic, I thought it might be my "graduation" day. Time to move on to an OB/GYN. Time to be a mommy. We've endured so much heartache, disappointment, and sadness over the past year and a half, I thought it was the beginning of a new journey. We'd completed our mission, earned our pass to the next step. Apparently, we were very wrong. I could tell it on my doctor's face the moment he saw my uterus on ultrasound. Things were not okay. There was only a tiny little sac. No fetal pole. No heartbeat. Not a 6.5 week embryo. In that second, I knew. We were no closer to becoming a family. All of our new hopes and dreams and expectations were crushed. No amount of praying, begging or pleading could change it. Not a single step of this has been easy. I have fallen into the sucky minority of girls who experience everything...

My ultrasound was not good. I'll post more about it later. Looks like I'm either waiting on a miscarriage or to have a D&C. I can't believe how much this all sucks and how angry I feel. So sorry to let everyone down.

Tomorrow is finally upon us. We'll get to have our first ultrasound where we are actually hoping to see something in my usually vacant uterus. And hopefully, we'll get to see that precious little heartbeat. I'll post tomorrow to let you all know the results. If anyone wants to talk at about 3 am, I'll bet I'm wide-awake. And I will probably get to the doc's office about an hour early...

Aaron and I headed to the fair this evening to hear one of our all-time favorite singing groups..... Boyz II Men. First I had a little temper-tantrum because everyone in front of us stood up and I couldn't see anything but big butts. Granted, I would have blocked their view if I had the chance, but nevermind that... I may have gotten a little teary-eyed for a moment, but then I was able to crawl up on top of a concrete pole and had a great viewpoint. They sang for 1.5 hours and I got to hear all of my favorites!!! Keep in mind that this is our THIRD try at seeing them in concert. We bought tickets 9 years ago during college and they cancelled due to illness. Then it was rescheduled soon after and cancelled again. So I just knew something was going to happen again! I can't believe how many of their songs take me back to a special moment in my life... a first slow dance, missing a friend, surviving a break-up, enduring the teen years. They had so many songs that almost captu...

My feelings have been all over the place since those double lines appeared on the test. I have truly felt almost every single emotion possible in a much more exaggerated manner. On the outside, I probably seem secluded at times. What's really going on is I'm focused. I'm focused on ignoring the stress around me and making sure my body stays calm. It's crazy how much my world changed. The only thing that I care about right now is protecting this baby. I'm not as worried about myself or my own emotions if I lose this pregnancy, but feel sad that we'll never meet this little one. I have been truly blessed with the best support system. I'm so incredibly sorry that I know so many people who have experienced infertility or miscarriages, but you all have given me the best advice and understanding possible. One of these friends (KW) had dinner with me last night. She is one of the most unselfish and caring people I know. She has endured her own loss this ...

We're about 5.5 weeks now and I'm definitely getting some symptoms. I suddenly LOVE tomatoes. Always liked tomato products (spaghetti sauce, pizza,etc) but now I love whole tomatoes. Pretty much continuous nausea. Very mild and no vomiting. Newly improved breast size, very painfully tender. Sending in my Playboy pics soon. :) Bloated belly and increased reflux. Sexy... Lots and lots of fatigue. I am one sleepy girl. I've had three sets of labs drawn... kind of my newest addiction... and my latest levels were good again. HcG= 10,003 and P4= 22.1. I just love to see that number go up. I'm definitely looking forward to my ultrasound on Monday. To see a healthy beating heart is my dream come true. I'm so incredibly worried about everything right now. I know a lot of people don't get it, which amazes me. If something takes you this long and this much effort, you'd do anything to make it work. And you can't help but feel constant fear that you may lose ...

One of my dear blog friends suggested that I further explain what we did this month to get pregnant. (Besides the obvious, people. What kind of blog do you think I'm running here?) I think that's a terrific idea and I'm going to do just that. It all began on a warm, summer day in August. The 15th to be exact. I had a period. Cycle Day 1. For those that don't know, pregnancy is actually measured from this day on. I had decided that we were taking 3 months off while Aaron recovered from his upcoming surgery and I only took my temp every now and then. Medication wise, all I took was my prenatal and metformin three times a day. No ovulation meds, etc. We didn't do any IUI's, IVF, ultrasounds, labwork, etc. Totally unmonitored. I didn't even see my infertility doc this month. Interesting how the world works. I had written off the chance of getting pregnant this month. Apparently that was a good method. Screw the intensive monitoring. Throw the c...

I'm finally settling in to believing that I am actually pregnant. The moment that urine hit the test and the double lines immediately appeared... my life changed. Not trying to be dramatic, but the world seemed to stop moving around me and all that matters now is my uterus and these little tiny dividing cells. It's literally all I can think about and I can hear the seconds tick by. (I should be nominated for a soap opera award.) My emotions change from excited to fearful to hopeful to worried about every 2.7 seconds. It's quite exhausting. I feel like I look at the world in a whole new way. Things that seemed so important now seem silly. My body even seems different. My emotions have changed, and I have feelings inside that I can no longer explain. ("Is that normal?", "Should that concern me?", "Is that just gas?") The realization that this could end in miscarriage is at the forefront of all the emotions. I just found out about tw...

I drew my 2nd levels today (48 hours later) and what you're hoping for is a doubling of the numbers. Well, mine tripled!!! First hcg: 647 Second hcg: 1,823 So, what do I do? Freak out. I can't just be excited that the numbers more than doubled, I start worrying that they're increasing too quickly or too much. So I called my OB/GYN who is a co-worker and she said it's great. Nothing to worry about. What does she know? There's a ton for me to worry about. I suddenly have the most important job in the world- incubating a human being. But I'm totally excited!!!

So, this weekend my husband and I caught a nasty little stomach bug which caused fevers, abdominal pain and vomiting. Great fun and well-used toilets. But that's not the important part of the story. The important part of the story is that I was late for my period and I ignored that fact since I was actually worried about dropping over dead this weekend from the vomiting. (Pretty sure it's possible.) Well, I took a pregnancy test at work today thinking that something may be brewing, and guess what? It was POSITIVE !!! I am pregnant. Never thought I'd get to write that on my blog without it being April Fool's Day, but here we are. Pregnant. Got my levels back today for those who care and/or know about them: HCG: 647 Progesterone: 21.7 Doc is thrilled, I am thrilled, Aaron is thrilled. We are hopeful and terrified at the same time. I'm definitely in the scary window period, so I'm asking for LOTS of prayers and positive thoughts in the upcoming weeks. And some hand...

Aaron and I had a huge craving for some sushi tonight so we went to one of our favorite restaurants. I got my smoked salmon sashimi and spicy salmon roll, which made my belly very happy. Afterwards, we got our fortune cookies which is always lots of fun. We love to read our fortunes and the ones that have the "learn chinese" on the back are extra fun. Mine tonight was perhaps a little off... "You are quiet, adaptable, and sensitive to others." Let's start with quiet. For those who don't know me, I think I have been called many things but NEVER quiet. I started a blog to talk to anyone who would listen since my "real-life" friends probably get tired of hearing me. And as for volume control, my voice registers right under a chain saw on the decibel charts... Adaptable... pretty sure that I have very few circumstances when I've possessed this trait. I like to pretend that I "roll with the punches", but when it comes down to it- ...

I realized the other day that I don't find myself caring anymore about all this baby business. This "break" that we're on has been great for my mental health. I didn't even know what cycle day I was on or when I should start my period until I finally looked on a calendar the other day. What sweet relief! It's not that I gave up, it's just not my focus. I have learned to accept that this is my life. This is my situation. Worry and sadness will not help anything (I've totally tried those approaches.) And I'm savoring my peaceful mornings sleeping in late, and the spontaneity that we still have. And I'm trying to take things one day at a time and not just assume that we'll never have a baby without IVF. If the day comes when that is our choice, we will deal then. But for now, I'm just happy being left alone. :) On an unrelated, but more exciting note, I'm super excited that my Cowboys are doing well this year so far! It mig...

Just recently, I realized that a lot of my blog readers are people who have stumbled across my blog or found it through friends, so you don't all know a lot about us. I thought I'd dedicate a post to telling a little about our story for those that are new. And I'd also like to thank everyone who takes the time to read our updates, pray for us, and offer us encouragement and advice. It means the world to me. :) Well, we are both 1980 models, making us both 29 years old. I was raised in OKC by a single mom while Aaron was raised in OKC with both parents and a younger brother and sister. I was a cheerleader/dancer/gymnast, while Aaron played soccer and tennis. I was outgoing and wild, Aaron a little quieter and well-behaved. We met in 1998 right after we graduated from the same high school. (There were 601 people in our class so we did not know each other at all). But we did have a lot of the same friends. He went to OSU that first year of college and I stayed at OCCC, but tra...